Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks: My unusual relationship with a volley ball by the name of Wilson
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My latest UnBook! Review away!
17:15, November 3, 2009 (UTC)
I'm in here now. 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeDS 11:11, November 8, 2009 (UTC)
|Humour:||7||Another very enjoyable read from you. Again, there are just a couple of things that I would recommend you take a look at. The first thing I noticed as I read was that early on the protagonist himself isn't much of a laugh, true you build a lot of humour around him and he has his moments but for the most part I didn't find him that amusing. This is more of a problem with the approach that you have taken with him. I find that when working with humour that people are much more likely to be amused by someone who seems pathetic or is a bit of a dick to start with, your character seems very stable and, for the most part, pleased with his lot in life. My advice would be to go back and take another look at him at the start. Don't get me wrong the article stands up perfectly well as it is, I just think taking a different tone with the main character at the start would work better, rather than having a relatively stable main character who by an unfortunate series of events descends into madness. You could try checking out a couple of other articles for types of narrative voice if you are interested in developing this idea, my recommendation would be this one, take note of the way the character responds to the developing events in the article.
My second point is that you should try to develop the volleyball's role in the story, currently it feels more like a plot device to provide an illustration of the character's descent into madness and to draw the reader's eye to the title. It just feels slightly underplayed in the story and I would recommend that you try to expand it's role. The pictures seem to tell a lot more than the text does on what the character does with Wilson so I would recommend devoting some prose to the explanation of the time spent with Wilson. I'm not saying include an entire section on it, just mention things in passing in the text or devote a small amount of space to it, I leave that up to you.
|Concept:||8||Very good on this one, the concept is certainly eye-catching and your execution is pretty good. I especially liked the gradual change in the protagonist's tone as his time away from civilisation increased. My only point on this one would be to read back and make sure the characters are consistent in the way the behaved. A part of my confusion with your main character was that he seemed to be a nice guy at one stage and then is portrayed as depraved at another. Is this intentional, I would urge you to go back and take another look just to establish a consistent line of thought for the character, considering we go from "my heart melted at the thought that I had someone in my life that cared about me so much" to " there was no way I could have heard what she was saying, because my complete attention was on her firm breasts which kept bouncing up and down in front of me". Try to balance this out a bit.|
|Prose and formatting:||9||Pretty good, the prose just needs another quick proofread as there are a number of typo's that I spotted on my way through. It isn't anything serious and a quick run through again should get rid of any of the remaining ones. Your grammar isn't too bad, though you should continue to look out for it when you read through. Your formatting is pretty good, though you do have an instance of image congestion in the middle. Consider spreading the images out towards the bottom of the page as there is a bit of space down there for you to take advantage of. Otherwise good work on formatting.|
|Images:||9||A mark comes off because of the minor problem with your prose, otherwise this is perfect, your captions are intelligent and genuinely amusing and your pictures are well selected. Good work.|
|Miscellaneous:||8||My overall grade of the article.|
|Final Score:||41||In reality this is a superb read, and richly deserving of praise. My feeling is that there are multitude of small problems that are holding you back from greatness. I also found myself struggling to come up with criticism for this one and if I'm criticising for the sake of criticising then I may well have forgotten what I'm reviewing for, to help you improve your work, and there isn't much to do on that score, that is essential at any rate. As always you can contact me with any questions or comments on my talk page. Good luck making any edits and well done.|
|Reviewer:||--ChiefjusticeDS 21:17, November 8, 2009 (UTC)|