Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks: Adolescence Killer

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edit UnBooks: Adolescence Killer

Dhism 12:30, July 14, 2010 (UTC)

UUtea A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article
is being reviewed by:
UU - natter UU Manhole
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).

OK, I'm in. --UU - natter UU Manhole 10:24, Aug 2

Humour: 3 Hmm. It's all a little random here, to be honest. FBI guys with stun guns. Superman. The guy being stuck in a pink cell with a capybara? Seriously, this doesn't stay coherent for any length of time. Oh, bits of it are and they work best in isolation. But join them together as an article, and what you have is a lot of fragments of your logic not fitting together in a way other people can understand, and that, my friend, is random.

I found this article quite hard to follow. For a start, it's called an UnBook, but most of it is written more like a standard biographical article. Then there's the random nature of it already alluded to - read it through again from the perspective of someone who isn't you. Does it make sense? Can they follow every leap of logic you make? I can't. So you're distracting your readers already. That wouldn't be such an issue if you had some good jokes to offset the random, but apart from the absurd image of Hitler's life being unbalanced by his love for a rodent, you don't have much going for you in this area.

So what do I recommend? Well, I'd change the title, for a start - that's not going to draw people in, and the name change thing makes little sense anyway, so I'd not bother with it, I'd just call it something like "UnBooks:The Young Adolf" and have done with it. Then I'd go back to the start. Keep the capybara thing, since that's the main thrust of your article, but instead of this odd prison thing that appears from nowhere, write it as a tender love story between the young artist Adolf and the rodent. Surely it would be possible to suggest that society's shunning of his relationship unbalanced him somewhat? Then write the story more coherently - don't forget, each step has to make sense to the reader, not just the author. So read it regularly with this in mind. That's what I'd do, anyway. Whether you follow my advice is up to you, but what you have here is something confusing and not hugely funny, I'm afraid.

Concept: 4 Honestly, it's confusing, and not hugely inspiring. And the name is just baffling. You get points for the absurdity of the man/capybara relationship, but that's about it. THB, I've covered most of this in the previous section.
Prose and formatting: 6 See, here's the thing: some of the individual sentences and paragraphs are quite well done, and suggest you do know how to write. But the whole just doesn't hang together at all. The formatting is adequate, but there are no links to other articles. This is a wiki, it thrives on links. So add some. And think about the image size, and number of images (see next section).
Images: 5 Well, there are some, and they are relevant to the text, such as it is. They need to be made a little bigger though, as they get a little lost in the article. And if the article remains this size, you need 2 or 3 more, evenly spaced through the page. As it is, it looks quite bare in places.
Miscellaneous: 4.5 Averaged.
Final Score: 22.5 Needs work, basically. It's not awful, and there are bits in there that suggest to me you have the potential to make it work. But in this state, it's going nowhere. So trim it back, make it more approachable to readers, make the story more coherent, and hopefully the absurdity will allow you to mine some more humour from the concept. Then add a few links, get a decent spread of images, and you should be well on your way.

Finally, remember: this is only my opinion - others are available. And good luck!

Reviewer: --UU - natter UU Manhole 10:48, Aug 2
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