Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:The Revelations of St John the Divine of Woking
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Hmm, it's been a while since I requested a review. This one needs a line or so of explanation. Yes, you'll probably get more out of it if you've read Revelations, which I suspect probably doesn't include many people on Uncyc. But then, they're not the target. I've tried to aim it at people who haven't read it - it's a primer on one of the funniest books I ever read (try it - it's a hoot!) This is sort of a primer - if you read this, you'll have the basic structure of the events of Revelations, and hopefully you'll get a laugh or three. So, the big questions are: does it work, should I cut it down a bit, and is it funny? Have at it! --UU - natter 09:38, Apr 5
- This one is a long one, but I'll take it within 48 hours, or at least before the apocalypse comes. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 21:49, April 9, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||8.8||Well okay, this article is lot better than I was expecting it too be. I've read it again and again and I just can't really find anything really wrong with it. It's bloody brilliant. Great humour with the description of the apocalypse and the description of Philadelphia (although I thought that that was a town in Revelations?) going to Manchester City was genius. The main suggestion I have to offer is that you should include a little more soccer terminology within the article, sort of like how Monty Python did with the Greece vs. Germany match with all the thinkers on both sides? If you haven't seen it, I would highly suggest watching it as it has great relevance to this article's structure.
So back to my suggestion. Maybe include some comments about someone taking a freekick or getting a yellow card or something like that, to make the situation a little more humorous. For example, look at the line I added in italics, "Even as they play, they're destroying trees and grass, oceans, rivers and springs, darkening the skies, calling forth a plague of locusts, and even - oh, this seems a little harsh - bringing forth an army of 200 million to kill a third of the Earth's population. The referee refuses to stop play and doesn't want to make the call despite protests from Sardis and Pergamon. Well, I don't know about you, but I've seen supporters thrown out of the stadium for less than that." Or how about this, "However, that important issue can wait, because the renewed pressure from the Vanguard of Virtue has paid off: Babylon has fallen! And it also appears that the holy side will get a free kick as Satan has just received a yellow card for slapping Wayne Rooney, who has just come in as a substitute for the holy side." That last one may be iffy, but it's just a suggestion to get some more football lingo into the article as right now, as I don't feel that there is enough mentioning of football in this article.
In regards to cutting down on the article, I feel like it may help the article out a bit, but I can't really locate anything that could be cut down significantly. Perhaps this section could be cut down a bit, "Three: my nuts really itch. That last point may not be noticeable to you, but I'm struggling here, let me tell you, and it's one of those itches that doesn't go away when you scratch it, it just dies down for a while and then comes back even itchier. I may be unintelligible at periods during this second half, which of course is just my usual patter; the rest of the time, I'll be scratching my bollocks, for which I can only apologize." It seems like it could be cut down at least a line, but I'll leave that to you to decide how it's done. Aside from that section, I can't really find anything else that deserves to be cut down. Each section is well written and small enough where nothing really has to be removed. I think all that space is coming from you having too many sections, but you are using the format for Revelations, so there's not much you can do about that. Don't worry, the article is top notch nevertheless.
|Concept:||9||Fantastic concept that would convert any non-believer to whatever religion/cult this is supposed to be from. Hinduism if I am correct?....why are you looking at me like that?...
Anyways, the concept of transcribing Revelations into soccer commentator format is genius. However, I sort of combine concept and the humour section together when I grade, so any issues are listed there. Aside from that, fantastic concept which is written beautifully.
|Prose and formatting:||8||I do believe I noticed some sentence errors, missing words, the kinds that you overlook when the whole sentence is in your head. Also, this line, "The curse is ended." Should it be 'is' or 'has,' I'm not sure, just putting it out there for you.
Maybe some spelling errors, but I don't believe I saw that many, if any at all. My main suggestion here would be to re-read the article and heck for those darn sentence errors.
Formatting is good, nothing to complain about here.
|Images:||9||Your images are fantastic and so are the captions. My only suggestion would be to do some more photoshopping of the background of the four horsemen, maybe with fire around them or at least something that looks like a stadium or whatever you're going for, because right now it's clearly a horse track. Ruins the image a tiny bit, not a big deal, but if you are interested in fixing it, have at it.|
|Miscellaneous:||6.66||I want to give you a 9 here, but as you can tell....hehehe.|
|Final Score:||41.46||So that's about it, a really swell article you have here, thus, the short review. Sorry I said this would take some time, I didn't expect your article to be as good as this. Anyways, good luck with it and hope I was able to help you out in some way. Once again, great work and hope this review help you out. Cheers.|
|Reviewer:||--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 04:57, April 10, 2011 (UTC)|
Hi Oliphaunte, thanks for the review - a good job too! A couple of replies to some of your points: Yeah, Philadelphia and the rest of the Asian players were Asian churches in the book, but I figured the descriptions (which are pretty much as they come in the book) sit well with player profiles. Also the last line "the curse is ended" is the last line from the book, so right or wrong I figure it should stay. In fact, I suspect that the sentence errors you refer to come from lines I left exactly as they are in Revelations, which I tried to do to increase the veracity of this article. The feedback about "footballing-up" the article is handy though, I wasn't sure I'd got that balance right, so I'll have another pass at it soon to add a few more references. As to the pic, that is a Sonje special, so I won't be able to fix it up - I don't presume to improve her work, just my own! ;-) Anyway, thanks for the review, I can see pee review is still in good hands these days! --UU - natter 06:42, Apr 10
- Ah yea, I was thinking there may have been some things I didn't get from Revelations. I've been meaning to read the Bible, but busy with all these heathen actions of mine ya know...Anyways, glad I could be of some assistance, great article here. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 13:32, April 10, 2011 (UTC)