Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:Tarquin Middleton: My Battle with Depression.
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<Completed at last! A fictional newspaper columnist Tarquin Middelton describes his battle with depression. Any suggestions for improvements would be appreciated. --Winstanley1 22:43, 2 May 2008 (UTC) -->
Winstanley1 22:43, 2 May 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||9.9||I giggled till I couldn’t breathe! this was absolutly one of the funniest peices of writing (anywhere) that i have read (ever) and i really mean that sincerely. the only reason i am not giving this a ten is because ten's are inachieveable. nothing is perfect and there were one or two times where it veered of being volent in a hillarious way and became just plain frightening. this line being prime example "Perhaps she can share a meths and antifreeze cocktail with them, in a dumpster full of shit while she wonders what the hell happened." i'd take that out as the rest of the article will make sense without it and then the reader isn't thrown off by the slightly shocking hate, before that though the rant is very funny.
your timing in your jokes was absolutly fantastic you introduced ideas very well and though, like i said, it wasn't flawless i loved it!
|Concept:||9.9||brilliant! just brilliant! getting angry about not being depressed enough. fantasticallly original from what i can tell. and then gradually introducing other ideas such as his psychosis and befrending dolls just made it much better, there aren't words actually. though i did feel that it was slightly tainted by the crows idea it wasn't so original, but it served the purpose of conveying his paranoia.|
|Prose and formatting:||9||some of it wasn't perfect, you missed more lines than really nescessary sometimes and the white space was sometimes kinda annoying. also some of your spelling and grammar was a little off, occasionally you'd miss out a small word and it'd make the reader stumble and the joke would be a little lost. sometimes the small things mess it up. other than that really it's hard to find fault. and i really tried.
oh but this little paragraph:
“Ha ha, how witty Mrs Dalrimple. More tea? No? Well perhaps you’d enjoy...THIS! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! CLICK. RELOAD. BANG! BANG! BANG! PAUSE FOR BREATH! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG BANG! HA AH AH AHA AAAAA HA AH AHA HA AHA HAAHA AHA AH AHAHAAHA HA AHA AHA HAAAAA HA HA HA!,”
kinda ruined that section as it was too loud and talked about guns and the rest was about hammers. didn't really fit. it was just little things like that that stopped the article being nearly perfect.
but your story telling ability was actually brilliant, nice sentece structure, word choice, imagery (i'm starting to sound like an english teacher) et al, was all very well done except i think you over used comparison to rats a little. maybe say "like maggots need corpses" and say rodents when talking about the children, just so it adds some variation and makes it more interesting.
|Images:||8||i can see why you didn't want many picures in there, and why you repeated the picture of tarquin using a different caption each time (the captions incidentally worked really well) but i think you should really add another pic for each of the four articles. there is a coulumn i regularly read in (the G2 section of) The Gardian (UK newspaper) that has carttons acompanying the article. i suggest you do something like that. so for eacgh of your mini-articles you could have one:
do try and make these cartoons as it will give it a darkly innocent look. if you can draw your own that'll be cool if not get some one else to, don't give them captions and try and have them on a white back ground so they blend with the article and place them at the top right of your mini-article. if you can get those that'd make this article god-like amoung other FA's.
|Miscellaneous:||9.2||i love how you used this to whore out a whole other blog (which i am about to read), its in your face cheeky but also quite subtle and uniquly gives uncyc some grounding in 'reality'.|
|Final Score:||46||if you would like to insult/thank/ask me about anything please go to my talk page. also i'd like to see you take on bord at least some of these suggestions and when you do i'd be much more than happy to nominate this for highlight.|
|Reviewer:||Have Fun! MuCal. Orian57|Chat|Chuckle|PEE List|Awarded|UnBlog| 22:21, 4 May 2008 (UTC)|