Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:Swamp Adventure Amusement Park Ride Announcer Man: An Autobiography
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Just created this article. I'm very flexible for changes, it's transformable right now...I tried to go for a depressed, declining mood for a majority of each paragraph, with a cheesy skipper joke at the end. Any kind of feedback would be awesome, thanks.
—AlbinoZombie 08:08, September 6, 2009 (UTC)
This has been here an appalling amount of time, so I'm here with apologies and a review, for no extra charge! --ChiefjusticeDS 13:04, October 1, 2009 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||Right, I personally think that you have a very promising base point for your humour and that you do reasonably well in that regard throughout. However I do think that you could make some changes to the article. Firstly I think you need to work at the number of jokes, especially when the text is focusing on the narrator's early life. It seems to me that you have gone for a slow build up of a single joke, that being the depression the man feels juxtaposed with the happy persona he presents, this joke is fine and is very well handled. The main problem here is that each paragraph, while not horrendously bad by any means, feels like a long struggle to reach the funny parts again. Your grasp of the character is superb so it would be a shame to lose readers simply because each paragraph doesn't have enough to amuse the reader. What you need to look at now is putting more jokes into the other sections. You can experiment with different ways to make it funny, try putting slightly more humorous events into the characters early life or just have the character speak in a more obviously hopeless way about them. Try to read your article as someone who thought that the joke of slowly getting more depressed and feeling that he is a huge failure, was a bit mediocre, what else does the article hiold for these people?
My other point would be to make more of the part where he addresses the tourists, in my opinion these parts were the funniest feautures of your article so I was slightly disappointed to find that you only used them to close your sections and paragraphs, their inclusion in the captions was welcome but I still felt that there was a lot more humour available from these jokes.
|Concept:||9||Your concept is superb, and your tone is genrerally excellent throughout. My only complaint would be that you occasionally slip away from the established tone. As I read through the article, I was growing to appreciate the juxtaposition between the narrator's true feelings and the persona he presents, and so was surpirised when this suddenly disappeared to be replaced by profanity and anger. I think that you could do much better with regard to completing this downward spiral by concluding the article with the guide starting again with a new group, or something similar to demonstrate the boring repetitive nature of his job.|
|Prose and formatting:||8||Your prose are pretty good and your granmmar is reasonable enough. Make sure you proofread carefully to catch any and all typos that may have slipped into your work. You should also carefully proofread after any edits to the article, this will help you avoid typos and other careless errors. Your formatting is reasonable too, with the captions as they are there is very little you can do to sort any text squeezing problems, however the captions work pretty well so this is a very small difficulty and not one that effects your article much.|
|Images:||8||Your images are good in general and almost all of them need no further work. I would recommend that you take another look at the caption for the final image, it didn't seem to fit the tone of the article and was more confusing than anything else. The image itself is much less of a problem than the caption Otherwise very good work.|
|Miscellaneous:||7||My overall grade of the article.|
|Final Score:||38||Your article has all the ingredients for something really special, and I enjoyed reading it, all that is needed now is some attention to the weaker parts of the article. A lot of this review seems negative but in reality the article is definitely of a relatively high standard and with a bit more time spent on it could truly fulfil it's potential. If you have any comments, suggestions or queries feel free to direct them towards my talk page. Good luck making any changes.|
|Reviewer:||--ChiefjusticeDS 13:47, October 1, 2009 (UTC)|