Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:My moose ate my homework
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Unless the thing is an irredeemable piece of crap...
What's wrong with it, what's right, what needs fixing, removing, adjusting, adding, specifics, examples, suggestions. This I ask.-- 20100928 - 03:40 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||The humour that is already within this article isn't bad and the random style helps liven it up a bit; but overall it needs more humour. I'd suggest exaggerating out some of the scenarios already in the story to even more absurd lengths. For example, when she is reminiscing about the time her mum got mad at her for letting the moose eat her homework, take it to new lengths and have her mom kick her out of the house or something. Just take it further in a way that you think will be humorous. I'd also suggest adding some other little side-notes about her strange past in there someplace to inspire laughs.|
|Concept:||5||Well it does read like a book and stay on topic and such, so bravo there; but there seems to be pieces just missing. Although you explained the fact that the computer's name is moose (giving us the idea that it must have eaten your homework), there isn't much else about the computer. Maybe you could have the computer act strangely or have a screen-saver with a moose eating files or something pop up towards the end. Or maybe she could remember something odd she downloaded or a strange electrical surge that caused the computer to act up as such. It just seems like their needs to be a bit more about the computer (who has supposedly destroyed her homework).
Another thing I didn't like was the sort of "sudden stop" ending, but that may just be me. Maybe it's just that the line "But there is one Moose" just doesn't seem to transition well from the preceding sentence. In any case, the ending needs a bit of work.
Overall, the content was good for the stream-of-consciousness style, you just need more of it.
|Prose and formatting:||7||Well normally I'd complain about odd sounding and run-on sentences, but being a inner-monologue, stream-of-consciousness article I don't think those apply as strictly. One problem that I saw with your formatting was that there is a line of text that winds up directly underneath the moose picture that should be over to the right with the rest of the paragraph. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't the last line in the section, alienated off to the far left; causing a weird disjoint from the rest of the section.
There are also two rather large paragraphs in there (the opening one and the one about her previous moose-homework experience) that would probably look nicer broken up, as most people reading this wiki can't stand large blocks of text.
The only spelling error I caught was that I think "timesheet" should have a hyphen in it.
Overall, fix the formatting errors listed and if you add anything else to the article try and keep the "paragraph" blocks less than 5 lines.
|Images:||7||All the pictures are related to the article, so that's a plus. If anything, you may want to make the captions a bit more humorous instead of just stating how sweet and innocent the moose was; but that's about it.|
|Miscellaneous:||6.25||Averaged the other scores.|
|Final Score:||31.25||This article is going to need some work, but it still has potential. The moose eating the homework gag is funny, but since it is also the title of the book it can't be relied on to retain its funniness all the way down the page. Mix in some other material that is relevant, witty, and humorous; and your article should be much better. Hopefully this review is helpful and your rewrite goes well.|