Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:My Daddy Has Two Yachts
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There comes a time in everyone's life that they just have to have a cookie. Me too! Thanks for taking this, and have a cookie! Aleister 14:50 8 9
- I'm in here now. 24 hours. -- 12:50, September 15, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||Well, after I read this one initially I was in two minds about doing this review, partly because I have always found, in reading a number of your articles that your humour is often lost on me, but I have decided to press on anyway, but I would ask that you bear this in mind when considering my criticism. Your article has some funny aspects and I enjoyed parts of it, especially in the second half where I found the humour far more accessible. The thing that strikes me most about this article is the style of the narrative, you obviously speak from the child's perspective throughout and my feeling is that you have perhaps done this a little too well. Permit me to expand, while humour from the perspective of children is a road well travelled by articles like Lazy Town and What I did on my hols I was interested to see your different way of taking the idea on; you seem to focus more on the child's meandering attentions and somewhat malicious intent with no regard for the consequences and this works both ways in the article. My main feeling, as I said above, is that you are succeeding rather too well in that the narrative is so convoluted and jumpy at times it becomes difficult to follow, and when this happens it is unlikely anyone will pick up the jokes you are making, if we consider the first section, you launch straight into the narrative to establish the idea that this is a child speaking, but on my initial reading of the article I was too caught up in trying to discern what had meaning in what you were saying and what was superfluous to the main narrative that I was focusing on everything except who this character is and what you wanted us to understand, and as the article moved on some jokes caught my attention but the random nature of the child's narrative always retains centre stage and its overwhelmingly random nature very much posed an obstacle to my enjoyment of the article. The reason I found it difficult to be amused by this is that I felt the child's character wasn't realised well enough initially, especially when you make jokes like "I don't know what happens to you, but whenever the sun shines on me it lights up my skin" it's an obvious break in the narrative to demonstrate the child's difficulty in being attentive, but it is prefixed by a huge amount of this and I began to see the parts of the narrative that actually have some importance to the storyline of the article to be in the minority. Random humour is certainly some people's idea of hilarious and I think it has it's place, but in this instance, you actually capture the narrative style of a child so well that it stopped being amusing and became a real bar to my enjoyment of the article. I thought this was a real shame for the most part, there are instances where you slip an excellent joke into the article, as you do with "Daddy's yacht has a big kitchen. Bigger even than real mommies, who lives far, far away, where they all talk like my french tutor" I thought that was really good (for reasons I will expand on later) but these instances are difficult to identify among everything else you say. My recommendation would be that you try and trim the parts of the article that are truly superfluous and try and stick to linking to the context with what you are saying.
The other aspect of your humour I found more interesting, that you give the background to the article very cryptically through the narrative, and when you delve a little deeper it is clear you are actually telling a different story through this one, and when I went back for a second read through I found the article to be far more rewarding, my main concern is that you are doing this in such a manner that people will not appreciate the full impact without reading the article twice, my main point here is that you should give some context to the reader on their initial read through so that the article can be understood without a second read, especially considering short attention span of uncyclopedians, many of whom will stop reading if they don't get where the article is going, and as I mention above the article's narrative does help people along the route of not understanding.
Essentially, I think your humour is good, but misjudged, my advice would be that you take a second look at it and decide what is truly doing nothing for your article and what you can do to encourage the humour to be more accessible without having to read the article through a second time.
|Concept:||8||As I mentioned above, I think the idea here is excellent and I really like the concept behind this one. Your tone is generally good my one piece of advice would be that you consider slowing down occasionally, some of the sections are very intensive in that the various bits of information come very quickly to the reader, this is especially noticeable in "Chapter One: Geese Make My Day" and "Chapter Five: I Play With Fire" these are noticeably the longest sections so I would recommend you see whether you can make some things a bit more concise and thus allow them to have more impact on the reader.|
|Prose and formatting:||7||Right, your prose are fine, they are generally broken up well and they don't cause the article any problems. Your spelling and grammar is reasonable though I did notice a number of errors as I read through, despite the fact you are writing as a child grammar remains important and I would strongly advise against overlooking it, you are definitely capable of sorting it yourself although if proofreading sends you to sleep then the people at UN:PS are absolutely splendid and just can't get enough of it. As far as formatting goes, my only suggestion is that you consider adding one more image to the article as three still seems to leave a considerable amount of white space and there is plenty in your article that you could add an image of, the final image could be a little smaller, I realise what you are doing with it, but if you felt you were pressed for room it could easily be made slightly smaller.|
|Images:||8||Your images are good and serve the purpose they are intended to, my main feeling is simply as I said above, that another image would not go amiss. Beyond that I don't think you need to do much more work here. Your captions are good and help your characterisation and if that were extended to an extra image it would only be good for your article and may even help with the contextual issues I mentioned above.|
|Miscellaneous:||7||My overall grade of the article.|
|Final Score:||36||I thought this one was very interesting both to read and review. Your article is far better written than it initially appears and my main concerns are rooted in the fact that this may make it difficult for the majority of people to enjoy this one, my strongest recommendation is that you try and make the article fully understandable (or at least reasonably) on the first read. If you have any questions or comments for me then you can leave them on my talk page. Good luck making any changes.|
|Reviewer:||--14:28, September 15, 2010 (UTC)|