Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:Let's take a walk in the city! A childrens picture book
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It's pretty good, if a little depressing! I suggest deleting the stuff which is just downright blatant, e.g the prostitute picture. User:Guardaviewer
What a strange book... er, I guess I shall just fill in the table thing, now. -- 20101205 - 02:42 (UTC)
|Concept:||6||This may seem harsh, but... er, what? I may just be completely missing |
And now I remember. It starts to come back: you wanted them smiling. Its not random at all, merely a somewhat silly juxtaposition of the excitable cheer of much of the media directed at children with the less cheering deplority of the darker side of a city night. Its a lovely idea, but rather ruined in its execution. I entirely blame the images. I somewhat blame the text, but less so.
Another thing, though - it could use a plot. As it is, it really does not have much of a story to it, a strange thing indeed for picture book, at least the narrative sort, as this is. There is always something, some problem that must be resolved, some rise and fall of plot. Often they will be incredibly silly, verging on ridiculous, anything from looking for a tedybear to helping a hobo feed his cat to saving the city from a giant bat and as a result getting a bunch of hookers fawning over you, to... pretty much anything. You could include whatever; its your story after all, but as it is, it is only four pages, so why not incorporate something? Maybe a guy wants a gift for his daughter, and you arre looking around for one, and finally the severed arm is just what you wanted... okay, so that is just all manner of wrong, but that is my point. Do something, and it will probably be a more effective story, beyond just a small cute piece as it is.
|Humour:||5||So... starts off happy. Taking a walk. Why are we taking a walk? Oh, dark alley. The excitable tour-guide narrator works well. Listing stuff, then... lists get boring, you know. Why are we listing stuff? Anything notable about any of it? Make more funnies? Pointing out how happy they all are is good... pretty red blood, less so. Perhaps there would be a better way to put it, making it out like the mugging itself is happy, as opposed to just pretty?
So why an abandoned hotel? It has some nice rats which very peculiarly have not eaten the arm. Now that is odd. Usually rats would be all over that.
It is happy, though? That is a non-sequiter after the less happy last page. It is friendly enough, but could certainly be happier.
|Prose and formatting:||5||Well, aside from what I have already mentioned... it could be happier. Or did I already mention that?
Also, spellcheck. Frendley is not a word. Abbreviations such as gonna do not generally have much place in things like this - people are trying to teach their kids grammar, after all, even with tour-guide approach. And yay? Why a yay? It just does not fit, unless the arm really was the goal, but why would it be, considering how and what the rest presents?
I am also not sure why you broke it up into subpages, but then again, I am also not rally sure why you would not do that, so whatever. Guess that just comes down to personal preference.
You might, however, want to centre it, or something. As the pages are quite narrow, it looks a little silly, especially on bigger screens, to have all that white space on one side.
|Images:||3||As this is a picture book, these are rather important. I understand you were going for all smiling things - if you had actually succeeded in that, it probably would have made the thing a whole lot funnier in general. The false cheer would actually make for a good parody of children brainwashing common in this day and age, but with the images as they are, it just comes across as random. What you need is consistency, sticking to the theme, actually supporting your story and whatnot. And consistency would also help the general presentation - if they are all of a similar style, there will be balance and whatnot. It will be more readable, in a way, and simply look nicer...
There is also the issue of copyrights - for the ones that are copyrighted, this is hardly fair use, even without removing the watermarks, as they are taken entirely out of context. You have not even cited where they came from, and there are so many... not good, that. Copyright issues have been brought up with users in the past, admittedly not necessarily by the most stable of people, but it does not change the fact that it is a distinct concern.
Thus, I suggest you do what Zombiebaron said before. Actually take this as a whole to image request, and request the whole set of new images, done by one person for one purpose. No more copyright violation, annoying watermarks, random variation, deviating from the theme, or general inconsistency; they will fit. Zombiebaron already said he would oblige; you need only specify what it is that you want.
|Final Score:||24||Get new images, seriously. Zombiebaron will help you tell your story through them if you are willing to, as he put it, stop being an idiot, and in this case, I do not disagree. Aside from resolving copyright issues, they will give the piece consistency and a clearer purpose. It should also probably have more of a plot and whatnot, but if you heed anything of this review, do heed the Zombiebaron.
Apologies for coming across so rudely, but it had to be said. Do not discount the Image Request, especially when help is directly offered, and when images are a key part of the piece.
I do hope this review helps in regards to the rest as well, however, and good luck. You know where to find me if you have questions and whatnot, of course.
|Reviewer:||-- 20101205 - 10:28 (UTC)|