Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:Insipid Sentimental Women's Novel

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edit UnBooks:Insipid Sentimental Women's Novel

Made some revisions, hopefully taking care of complaints about consistency and self-reference in the process. Hopefully this is an improvement. Review away. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 02:16, October 29, 2009 (UTC)

I can review this if it doesn't make me cry too much. Dame Pleb Com. Miley Spears (talk) 18:56, November 2, 2009 (UTC)
Excellent! Go right ahead! Some feedback from a real-life woman would be helpful. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 20:15, November 2, 2009 (UTC)
Humour: 8 I really liked this. It was funny and sweet and a little weird.

I'm really putting my P comments here with the Humor comments.

Your intro is cool and big blue sky of tragedy is funny.

Chapter One: Susie: I really like your description, and how there aren't pure snow white daisies in every direction for 60 miles. I'm sure there never were, so that makes it totally sentimental, like how you'd remember something only it's not true. I'm not sure about the Slimfast part, unless you link chalky to white daisies. I like seeing Susie in a yellow dress looking at a yellow daisy. Also I like that you don't say yet why going out is dangerous for her, because that makes us wonder what's coming next.

Chapter Two: Subtle Lesbian Undertones: Your chapter title is soo subtle! lol I like how you changed Susie's "see ya' again" to "see you again" in memory. I really loled at the sentence with the thinly veiled symbol. And they look for hours? Also how old are these girls? I think you should say. They should be pretty young for the woman telling the story to not understand prejudice in Georgia. I don't like "bullshit" because it's totally not sentimental and not funny. I think it would be funnier if you said she didn't notice Susie was Jewish first, then said she was Black. Jewish isn't so obvious, so saving Black for the end I feel is funnier. And they looked at the same daisy for nine years? lol "And I was that housekeeper" that shattered the daisy vase is nice foreshadowing. Saving "also she was covered with blood" like an afterthought is good.

Chapter Three: Betrayal: A black Jewish girl moves in with a white family in Georgia? Maybe you should say something about how the parents felt about it, even if it's short. When the Klan comes, are Susie and the narrator home with nobody else? I feel you could say that. Also I feel it goes really quickly from the man with the red lollipop to betrayal. Maybe have a sentence about how much the narrator likes lollipops, and maybe how cherry is her favorite flavor or something. I liked '“No,” I said, “but my friend Susie is right there!” I pointed.' I feel you should say something about her wondering what happened to Susie because that foreshadows the end. I feel it's fine you do this in Chapter Five but should do it here too.

Chapter Four: Years Afterward: It's funny how you set up the important symbolism of moving away the day the developers level the flower field, then say maybe it was Thanksgiving like that's really not important. I like "Feminine Literary Theory" but not "and Feminist Manhating". It's like the "bullshit" earlier it doesn't fit the feel of your article. A man everyone thinks is gay but isn't is the ideal man really can be true. I liked that. I also liked "It’s as if you’ve been hit with several severe cases of literary cliché all at once." She's going to die and thinks "Oh, dear.: That's funny. But see how that doesn't work with the earlier bullshit and Feminist Manhating?

Chapter Five: A Glimmer of Hope: Instead of Susie saying "No," I feel it would be better as "No!" Or maybe, "What? No way!" "Now I understood…I think…" Understood is past tense but think is present tense.

Yellow is the color of the sentimental and red (cherry) is betrayal. Maybe you could make a foreshadowing of the red lollipop to the red blood on Susie's dress when she's hurt in Chapter two. That way you have yellow for love and lesbian or girl-girl friendship, white for KKK and racism, and red for blood and betrayal (lollipop). Also does cherry have something to do with virginity, you know, losing your cherry? The narrator's innocence is gone as soon as she sucks on the cherry lollipop.

Concept: 9 This is a great concept.
Prose and formatting: 9 I love your prose.
Images: 7 I feel the images are fine. The daisy picture at the top seems a little too big. Also maybe you could have another pic on the left. Right now they're all on the right but one. And I think a pic of a lollipop that's totally red would be better.
Miscellaneous: 9 My feelings about the article.
Final Score: 42 This is great! Please let me know when you fix this so I can nom it?
Reviewer: Dame Pleb Com. Miley Spears (talk) 20:30, November 2, 2009 (UTC)
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