Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:I Married an Elite
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I'll do it when I wake up tomorrow morning. InMooseWeTrust 04:24, January 6, 2010 (UTC)
Not completed in time, I'll take it instead. --ChiefjusticeDS 08:27, January 12, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||5||Right, your humour shows definite promise and there are parts of the article that are genuinely amusing, the other parts feel more like they could be equally enjoyable but they are being held back. The first thing I noticed was that your article seems to be trying go along without much of a pause; you describe an event and then you move straight onto describing another, examples being "He pushed me on the swing, but pushed too hard (elites have super strength) and I flew into the pond. We just laughed, and he got me a towel. Then when it became late he bought me some ice cream." There is a joke in there but it doesn't get the attention it needs to have maximum impact, as you seem to be relying on the fact she is marrying an alien from Halo to provide much of the humour. My recommendation would be to slow things down a bit, take a look at some other UnBooks, you will notice that if a character performs an action that is meant to be funny it rarely just ends there. For instance if you were saying "Darth Vader strode towards the doors to his inner sanctum leaving the maintenance men cowering on the floor, he then walked straight into the doors because they were broken, so he walked the other way without saying anything.". There is a joke there but it isn't explored to the extent that it is amusing. It would be better to say something like: "Darth Vader strode towards the doors to his inner sanctum leaving the maintenance men cowering on the floor, there was then a loud clunk as he walked straight into the doors which had failed to open. There was utter silence as the dark lord of the Sith then slowly turned and strode off, pretending that nothing had happened". While what I have written there may not be the funniest thing you have read today, but I hope it demonstrates the point, it says the same thing as the first example, but it has more impact on a reader because there is more detail and it doesn't go so quickly, you should check your article for times when you are doing things like this.
The other problem I noticed was that at times you are going in a direction with your humour that doesn't seem to compliment the style I think works best for this article. I thought that the most promising humour at the start of the article came from the narrator of the article being pretty sad and pathetic, there is a lot of promising humour to be gleaned from suggesting that the problem in the narrator's previous relationships was not because of her partner's but rather through her own ineptitude and personality, a reader of your article should have someone to laugh at and I think you would be missing an opportunity if you didn't use the narrator to do it. It would be simple enough to accomplish, just don't ever have the article implicitly say it was all her fault that she has lost all these men, something like "I'd began dating again after my last boyfriend dumped me for a blonde whore with a large butt." is quite crude and while it could be vaguely amusing you would be better trying something like "I'd began dating again after my last boyfriend suddenly had to urgently move to Pluto after only two dates" achieves the sort of style I am driving at here. This is of course up to you, if you are particularly attached to your current style then my advice is that you try to keep things feasible, and go for something more believable when detailing the reasons people have left her, you have a good joke after all of it, but try to make any fatal accidents believable, you could even tie this into the idea above if you wanted. Try to read through and bring the whole article back into a more believable sense with only the parts concerning "Vlad" being strange or surreal, this should encourage the sense of strangeness in a normal boring setting that you appear to be going for.
My final piece of advice would be to try to include some more throwaway jokes as some sections feel quite vacant compared to others, the part where "Vlad" meets the narrator's parents is a good example, your humour could benefit from some expansion in these areas. Try asking someone to read through the article and identify what they see as the trouble spots on this one, remember that you will need more than the joke in the title to keep things interesting.
|Concept:||5||Your concept is good, though admittedly when I heard the word Elite I was anticipating someone from the upper echelons of society rather than the Halo creature, perhaps I don't hang around internet forums enough. The tone is what lets you down here, the style of storytelling isn't very deep one and I would recommend having a second look at this. To expand on this take a look at the way you move the story on there are a lot of "and then we's", "I went's" and "So we's" these lead the reader on a very linear path through the story and feel unnecessary and uninformative, try using headings to dictate what will happen in a section and then starting the next section leading up to that point, take a look at this article and compare the way you do your storytelling with the way Orian has done.
Another issue is that your characters don't feel like they have much depth, this is a shame as you have some good dialogue for them to use, if they felt a bit more real then your article would feel much better. The way to give your characters depth is to portray emotion in the things they do, don't just use "I said", "he said" and "I shouted", add a bit of variation, "He said politely", "'You don't understand' I sighed" and "I screamed". This lends your characters some more depth and you would vastly improve your article, in my opinion at least, if you tried this.
|Prose and formatting:||5||The spelling is fine, but your grammar is still confusing in a couple of places, for instance where you say "So now I was looking for another man who would love me and never leave me, cheat on me, or use the "I'm a man" shit" you seem to be suggesting that she is looking for a man who will cheat on her, I know that you probably didn't mean that and I can see what you meant to say, just make sure you read your own work carefully, because some proofreaders will avoid changing too much text in your article, they are also not infallible, so as I always say, there is no prostitute for careful checking of your own work. As for formatting, you would benefit from another image and possibly making the final image a bit smaller, I see what you are doing with it but it just doesn't seem to hold enough importance to justify it being that size. But another image would be better as the article appears very wordy when you first see it, and this can be enough to turn people off your article alone.|
|Images:||6||Your images are OK, except for the last one, the work on it is quite scruffy, if you are having problems getting it to look the way you want then you should consider asking a user who is good at image manipulation for a hand. Otherwise the comments in the formatting section are all you need to work on.|
|Miscellaneous:||5||My overall grade of the article.|
|Final Score:||26||The article is very average, but like I said it feels like it could be much more than average, there is so much potential here and I think that you should do your very best to try and fulfil it. I realise that there is a lot of criticism and complaint here, but I would urge you to remain positive, the article isn't bad, it is just overwhelmed by a lot of minor difficulties which, with some work, can be fixed, and once they are you will have a very good final product. If you would like any more help or advice then don't hesitate to ask me on my talk page, you can go there with any comments about my review too. I really hope you keep working on this one, good luck.|
|Reviewer:||--ChiefjusticeDS 17:50, January 12, 2010 (UTC)|