Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:Hot Japanese Girls - Colourblind or Unable to Speak English?

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edit UnBooks:Hot Japanese Girls - Colourblind or Unable to Speak English?

Hello. This is my first article in a veeeeery long time. It was rather rushed in about two hours of writing, and the idea was conceived while looking at Japanese porn (I'm so apt). However, please be as constructive in your crictism as you like. I can only learn from vicious spankings after all.

'''Nachlader''' 22:39, 16 October 2008 (UTC)

UUtea A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article
is being reviewed by:
UU - natter UU Manhole
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).

OK, I'll take this. --UU - natter UU Manhole 21:12, Dec 1

Humour: 7 Yeah, so I kinda like this. Mind you, I tend to be a sucker for articles pertaining to be from the point of view of an English Gentleman. Culture clash humour is always an interesting vein to mine as long as you don't go at it too heavy handed, and there are certainly chuckles to be had here. Chapter 2 in particular is a good read, it's where the prose and concept feel most consistent. But even as I say that, I touch on my biggest problem with the article: consistency.

The tone of the prose and of the article seems to shift. Chapter 1 feels more like an extension of the introduction, rather than a part of the book written by Mr Petty-Fitzmaurice. The tone doesn't fit. And it keeps slipping through the rest of the piece - his vocabulary swings from Victorian/Edwardian Gentleman to horny teen and back, and I'm not entirely sure it's completely intentional - it certainly doesn't come off as part of the article. Perhaps if the book "pertained to be written" by this Gentleman, "although we have our doubts, given his knowledge of Anime and late 20th/early 21st Century slang" etc?

I think you need to more clearly address the tone of the guy. It's much funnier when the already jarring clash of cultures of West and East is further compounded by the fish out of water nature of our Gentleman friend, so spend a little more time thinking how he would more likely phrase certain sections "comely" for "hot", for instance - you could have a little fun with his disdain when he discovers how the two terms now have a similar meaning, perhaps. Have a look at this - while I'm not suggesting you use the same ideas, it's vaguely relevant and may give you other ideas of your own.

Also, I think you may be cutting his digressions off a tad early. We can infer what he may be thinking about near the start of chapter two before he breaks his stride, but at the start of chapter 3 I had no clue what she may be dreaming about. Perhaps elaborate a little more on our repressed friend's lustful daydreaming before pulling him back?

The conclusion I was a little confused by - I'm not sure how he's suddenly decided she's colourblind, and if it's supposed to be funny because it's obviously wrong, then you still need to explain his own warped logic for the decision, I'd say. I'd be tempted to explore the idea of him taking the girl back with him, and how this will sit with his wife, as well, but maybe that's just me.

This is a good read, rather than a laugh-out-loud article, but that's what I prefer, to be honest. I'd say as it is, this is a pretty decent article, but with more consistency in the tone, and more exploration of the culture clash for the Gent, it could be a real hit.

Concept: 8 A good, solid score for a good, solid idea. I like the concept a bit more than the execution at present, hence the long box above this and the short box here. Not much to add, so let's move on.
Prose and formatting: 6 For the most part, well written. A few missing words here and there though, and the occasional bit of sloppy prose to let it down though.

Examples include:

  • "A vast majority hot Japanese girls are actually fictional" - missing "of".
  • "It is from within this popular Japanese art that 95% of all lonely men in Japan find the girls they want to elope with. Whether they are underage or some kind of hypnotic guardian of tentacle rape or whatever." - Two sentences that don't quite work - are they meant to relate to each other, in which case, they're probably better served as one sentence with a comma. Also, the hypnotic guardian of tentacle rape or whatever doesn't seem to quite make sense - what do you mean here? (I hate to ask).
  • "I loved her every bit and niche and chagrin." - Eh? If you're having fun with him using the wrong words unintentionally, I don't think it's set up well, and if you're not, then those words don't work.
  • "when I saw the that the opposite end the alley was closed off by a dead-end" - "the that the"? and there's a missing "of" again.
  • "However, my worries were short handed" - ah, right, you are having fun with his vocabulary, I think. I like mixing metaphors and fudging vocabulary. But I think more needs to be made of it or it comes across as jarring and possibly unintentional. Have a little more fun with this.
  • "Japanese girls may be the only of humankind that have to be colourblind in order to be considered attractive" - it may be what you were shooting for, but this feels clumsy, and again a little jarring.

And, of course, the aforementioned inconsistencies in the prose. Iron those out, and you're laughing.

Images: 7 Another good, solid score. 3 Pics, 2 nice and appropriate and well used. The third is just a colour, but what the hell, it's appropriate in context. However for an article this long you need at least one more. Possibly two. Have a dig round OptyC's super secret girly page, there's a couple of hot Jap chick pictures on there, if memory serves. If you don't want to go down that route, the cowboy doodle might be a laugh (and possibly easy to do with a scanner and your own notepad). But yeah, needz moar pix!
Miscellaneous: 7 Averaged, per the "I have no idea what else to say in this box" principle.
Final Score: 35 So let's see, that's 35/50, which from me means "plenty above average, and well on the way to VFH, if that's your aim". I think there's work to be done still, as I've outlined above. If you think I've been picky, it's just because I like this, and want to see it finished as well as I think you can do it. Perhaps coming back to it after a little lay-off while you waited for this review will also help, but I'd like to see you give this a bit more polish, and who knows where it could end up.

However, if you leave it as it is, it's still an enjoyable read, and I thank you for that.

Finally, as ever, this is only my opinion, others are available. And good luck!

Reviewer: --UU - natter UU Manhole 21:55, Dec 1
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