Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:Hospital

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edit UnBooks:Hospital

I've always been a sucker for the UnBooks tone...anyways, reviewers, do your worst! - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon Baloon(Tick Tock) (Contribs) 17:18, Apr 22

is being reviewed by
Your Source for Fine Scented Pee
And Whatever Else Comes Out Of Him
Revenge! Revenge for all those miserable months I was your noob! ...oh wait...   Le Cejak <Apr 22, 2008 [23:35]>
Humour: 8.1 avg of each of those section thingies =from 7.6 overall to 8.1=
  • intro [7.5]: Hmm, that was confusing. I chuckled, obviously, but I am confused as to why they want Simon to shut up. Also, it seemed clumsy. For example, "started Dr. Hermedge, but she was cut off by Stranglethrotter" is what I would call "clumsy". Perhaps "Dr. Hermedge started to say "X", but was cut short by Stranglethrotter" would work better instead of referring to something at the end of a long sentence... Does that make sense? I feel like the intro should be rewritten quickly with that little "tidbit" in mind. Hmmm... not the most helpful advice... =from 7 to 7.5. It's true, sentence structure made this better=
  • 1 Stranglethrotter's gambit [8]: Me Like: "“No, Your Honor, you’re out of order!” shouted Stranglethrotter, who had apparently mistaken the tense hospital drama for tenser, but more drawn out courtroom drama." (it was okay except for the "but", which distracted the flow) The last paragraph needs to be rewritten. Again, instead of "barely conscious from the morphine that Stranglethrotter had injected him with while Hermedge wasn’t looking" maybe break it into two sentences? This section is what MightyDandylion would call "appreciation"-worthy, but I haven't broken out into giggles yet. =from 7 to 8. You fixed it and added another funny sentence=
  • 2 Room 1109 [7]: Ah, TLB said "procession" twice in procession! New word, maybe? also, "Suddenly, another stretcher with another sick person on it rolled past them, the doctor pushing it with an urgent look on his face": We probably already knew a sick person was on it, so you can delete that. Also, don't describe the doctor pushing it AFTER describing the stretcher-- that's like putting the cart in front of the horse. Just a little clean-up is what this section needs. =Hmmm, not enough to give a higher score. This section needs to feel more important to me before I do that= =from 6 to 7 for that monster thing=
  • 3 The obligatory flashback [9]: Yes, I liked that! But again, you have the same sort of writing awkwardness here as you did in the other sections. The long, boring sentences with too many (and too many poorly placed) descriptive elements are what is holding this article back, along with sentences that have to explain too much, too fast. Now that I think about it, and this is an epiphany, I bet 50% of all articles that aren't featured may be solely because of poor sentence construction... maybe... Other than that, I would've given this a 9. =From 8 to 8.5... not as upgraded as I thought. I would feel uncomfortable giving this a higher score than section 5= =from 8.5 to 9=
  • 4 Meanwhile, back in the real world... [7]: Me Like: "But look on the bright side! There hasn’t been a nuclear war yet! Not even one! Doesn’t that lovely piece of irrelevant fact cheer you up? Yes, me too.”" Yeah, that was fine. However, it doesn't feel like an ending to me: usually, one should have a BAM! ending rather than a wah, wah one. In other words, make the ending snap at the reader. I'm not sure what could happen... maybe they fine Stranglethrotter and it turns into a courtroom drama? OH! OH! Maybe it could become both at once? Wow... that sounds good... =no changes I could see=
  • =5 Arrest! [10]:= That was pretty damn hilarious. Can it become a prison drama next, or a police drama? Has it always been Stranglethrotter's dream to be in a courtroom drama? What if he got way too into it? I want more meat in this already meaty section! =from 8.5 to 10. Yes, I give out 10s every once in a while. Ending is now satisfyingly delicious=
Concept: 8 I've reviewed three or so hospital drama unscripts (why isn't this an unscript?) and three or so "cop out of control" or "parody of cop out of control" unscripts so far. This doesn't really add anything new to what I've seen, TLB! Sorry! =from 7 to 8. Mixing genres? That sounds like a GREAT idea!=
Prose and formatting: 8 Yes, go and clean up the things that I said to clean up. =from 7 to 8. Much cleaner, sir=
Images: 7 The only image that really caught my attention was the robot one, which was awesome. =no changes I could see=
Miscellaneous: 7.8 avg, duh =From 7.4 to 7.8=
Final Score: 38.9 This article needs some work, but I think you'll come up with something: You always come through, Led. Take a look at that "courtroom-hospital" drama idea... interesting... =from 33.8 to 37 to 38.8=
Reviewer:   Le Cejak <Apr 23, 2008 [4:40]>

A-ight, I added just a tinge more, and I'm curious. Do those extra couple sentences I added to "Room 1109" merit keeping? Also, does the ending feel endingy enough? - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon Baloon(Tick Tock) (Contribs) 00:34, Apr 24
Your query has been registered in the AUTOMATED CAJEK REVIEWING SYSTEM. CAJEK will return in a few moments or whatever to answer your query. THANKS FOR HOLDING!!11!   Le Cejak <Apr 24, 2008 [0:54]>
Cool, thanks very much for all the help, Cajek. - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon Baloon(Tick Tock) (Contribs) 02:39, Apr 24
If you update it anymore, I can still kinda help. Good article, Led!   Le Cejak <Apr 24, 2008 [2:49]>
Yeah, I'll see what I can come up with. Just let me sleep on it, baby, baby let me sleep on it. - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon Baloon(Tick Tock) (Contribs) 03:45, Apr 24
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