Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:Emo Chick
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220.127.116.11 09:08, June 23, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||As far as humor goes, this article has some potential. I felt that the whole thing was extremely random, but at times that style seemed to work really well. I definitely think there is some serious potential for this one. In order to help you understand what I thought worked and didn’t work, I’ll break it into sections.
Section 1 – Emo Chick
To be perfectly honest, after reading this first section, I was pretty worried. The first thing that got me concerned was that you started out with lists. Lists are very rarely, if ever, funny. To compound the issue, your list is completely random. When I think of an Emo chick, I think of brooding, self mutilation, and black makeup. You don’t mention any of this. After reading the rest of your article, I really liked the way you tied the items in the list into the story itself, so I will resist my initial urge to suggest changing the list and instead offer some advice on how to get rid of the list without changing anything.
Instead of listing items the way you do, why not try to write them into a paragraph or two. For instance, instead of saying, Her hobbies Include: 1. Failing her drivers license test, 2. forcing little girls to get into her car, etc. you could say something like; Emo chick was an Emo chick who enjoyed failing her driver’s license test. She also enjoyed forcing little girls into her car. Etc. By going with this style of writing, you are able to keep the story book kind of feel going and it would add some much needed length to the article. I would also suggest that you not be afraid to expand on some of Emo Chicks hobbies. Maybe explain why she likes failing her drivers test or why she has to pluck her toe hairs.
Another thing you might want to focus on is building up the Emo Chick character. In any story, the reader has to be able to relate to or at least understand where the character is coming from. For instance, in the second paragraph you say “The first little girl got out of the sack. This girl had a monobrow and blonde hair. She told Emo Chick, "Please don't rape me! I don't have enough money to pay for all the councilling I would need!" This comes out of left field (and not in a good way like the rest of the randomness) because the reader had no clue that the Emo Chick was into that stuff. Try setting it up by saying something like “The Emo Chick was the most evil Emo chick in all the land. She loved to capture little girls and rape them.” That’s not very good, but I think you get the point. Use some foreshadowing to help the story along.
You could also expand a little on the 4 boys. Maybe tell the reader a little about each of them. Say something like, Emo Chick was loved by four little boys. Bob, who was only two feet tall and had a hairlip, Bobbie, etc. Something to help the reader get a mental image going.
If the first section had me worried, this section calmed quite a few of those fears. I really thought you hit your stride with this section. It reads exactly like a little kids story book and the humor is impressive. Very rarely is anyone able to pull of the random humor thing. You do a fantastic job of it here though.
The only thing I would recommend changing in this section is the line from the second little girl. “I have three children at home and I have to be home for dinner!" This confused me as a reader because I had the image of a little girl in my mind and now she’s saying she has three children at home. That may be the joke itself, but it’s not very good and only serves to confuse the reader. Judging by the rest of the story, you can do better here.
Section 3 – Bobo
Once again, you do a fantastic job of using randomness for the sake of humor. The whole lunch lady part got a little muddy though. I feel that you may have thrown in a little too much in an attempt at humor but it had the opposite effect. For instance, “(which defeated the purpose of the black shirt she was wearing). Any way, back to the story...” I’m not an avid reader, but I don’t recall ever reading a book that had the line “back to the story” in it. My suggestion would be cutting out that entire part. The line itself isn’t that funny and only serves to break the reader out of the story. The part about the camel toe is another example of the same issue. Again, not that funny and doesn’t move the story forward. I would suggest reading through this section a few times and trimming some of the fat from it.
Section 4 – Boberto
This section dissapointed me a little. The previous sections managed to catch me off guard and did a good job of building up to the climax. I genuineuly was anxious to see how this story would end. Then I get the emo chick ate a sock “but she choked on it and even thogh they were right next to a hospital - there was nothing more they could do.” That’s a terrible ending! I’m not saying that to try and offend you, I’m saying it because based on the rest of your article, I know you can do better. Maybe the little girls she stuffed in a sack came back and got her. Maybe she didn’t eat a sock but cut herself until she bled to death (play on the whole emo thing). If you’re going to go with the ending you have, at least explain why the hospital couldn’t help. Just saying there was nothing more they could do is a cop out.
I really think this is the finest example of random humor I have seen in a long long time. If you can clean some of it up, I think you will have a seriously funny piece on your hands.
|Concept:||4||The concept for this article doesn’t exactly wow me. Emo has been done to death on this site. I do like the way you approach this article though. By portraying the Emo Chick as a wicked witch type character, you put a unique spin on the Emo subject that really makes it stand out. I really liked the way you steered clear of all the traditional Emo kid stereotypes as well. That also works in your favor. This article definitely has the chance to stand out from the pack for those reasons.
In order to make it stand out, you’re really going to have to focus on making sure the whole article reads like a storybook. That means no lists, giving the characters some depth, and everything flowing neatly together. If you can do all this, you can have a good shot a taking the emo horse that’s been beaten to death, and turning it into a champion.
|Prose and formatting:||4||The first and most important thing I want to address in this section is the layout. Most UnBooks, do not use section headers and if they do, they usually use titles like chapter 1, 2, etc. By having section headers you article loses that story type feel and crosses into more of an encyclopedia entry type article. I would recommend taking a look at some of the Featured UnBooks and looking at how they are laid out. Use them to get some ideas for how you want your article to look.
Another thing I noticed is you seem to have quite a few spelling errors. An easy way to fix this is to copy the source code of your article and paste it into Microsoft Word. Word will check for any spelling errors and it’s a lot faster than thumbing through the dictionary.
The last thing I would mention is to make sure you link key words in your article. An article without any links will get huffed very quickly around here. Same thing with categorizing it. If you don’t know how to do either of these things, you can ask any experienced user for help or read about it here.
|Images:||0||You don’t have any images so it’s pretty hard for me to comment on it. I would definitely recommend putting some in.|
|Final Score:||17.5||Like I said earlier, I really think you are on the verge of having a fantastic article here. The way you managed to be completely random without seeming completely random is quite an accomplishment. This article needs work for sure, but has some serious promise.
On a side note, if you are serious about pumping out a solid article, I would recommend registering on Uncyclopedia. Once you register, you can take advantage of all the programs set up to help writers achieve their full potential.
One final thing, I fixed your construction tag. If you need any more help, don’t hesitate to drop me a line on my talk page.
|Reviewer:||--—John Lydon 17:51, June 23, 2010 (UTC)|