Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:Early 90s Young Adult Novel

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edit UnBooks:Early 90s Young Adult Novel

I've been working on this one for a while, and I think I finally came up with an ending I liked. I'd love it if someone would have a look. And while I thought I had jumped the shark with UnBooks:My New Life as a T-Rex, I think this one may top it. PEEING members only, please. Thanks in advance! Sir SysRq (talk) 01:43, 20 April 2009 (UTC)

Fatdrunkstupid Orian57 is currently reviewing your article.

Conversely he is also whoreing: Why?:Don't You Get a Job?

Sure thing sissy. I'll see what I can do. Though what writers think about their own work rarely matters, I thought Neurotic was ten times funnier than Why?:Am I a Power Ranger?, aparently I was wrong though. Anyway on with the review. ~Orian57~ Icons-flag-gb ~Talk~ Gay sign 18:55 26 April 2009

Aw, you beat me to the redlinkficks. Thanks bud. Sir SysRq (talk) 18:58, 26 April 2009 (UTC)
Too embarassing to let anyone else do it. I can't even whore properly. Anway, here. It's a little bit shorter than most of my reviews but then there wasn't loads wrong, anyway I hope it helps! ~Orian57~ Icons-flag-gb ~Talk~ Gay sign 21:28 26 April 2009
Humour: 8 High score here because it was consistently funny, most of my improvements for this whole article are wrapped up in prose and formatting though.
Concept: 8 Brilliant concept here, again look into the prose and formatting section for my only suggestion on how this could be expanded.
Prose and formatting: 6.5 On account of your formatting more than your prose (Though I think there’s a few things there that could be improved there too, we’ll get to that in a second). For now I just have a few superficial bullet points for you.
  • You appear to be a little bit link-shy (seventeen. I counted.)
  • I don’t like it when people dump Why?, HowTo, or UnBooks templates halfway through the article. It makes it look like an after thought, either have it right at the top or right at the bottom. Just so it looks like it has a proper place.
  • While I didn’t find it atrociously hard to follow, I suspect, from experiance writing articles like this, that there may be people who will. UU suggested to me to use a different font for dialogue, and I actually think this does help a little.

Right now for prose:

  • Characterisation: your character here seemed to be a little contradictory. He wavered between completely (too) normal and slightly autistic. To be honest I don’t think either personality helps too much, him counting the seconds didn’t add anything.

Like I said on the talk page I think he’d work best like you described him to me: as an over achieving swot who thinks he’s just like every other kid. I do have a problem with this “sarkasm” thing though.

  • Style: I like how you’ve adopted a slightly awkward, bad-writing, style for this (at least I hope it was intentional). Things like telling and not showing, and using unnecessary adverbs, is apparently bad writing, (that’s what all the books I’ve read recently seem to say, and I agree); I’d like to encourage this as I think it will help further the satire of novels like these. Things you have to read in school.

Further to this though, your dialogue in Chapter Ten I think does need to be modified, with particular reference to his swearing. This is an instance where not swearing is much better than swearing. Have him say intercourse, or better, making love to. If you don’t, at least make him be punished for it. In fact you could make that the reason that he doesn’t get his guitar. Either one, actually.

Also I don’t think the incorrect chapter numbers work. I know what you were trying to do only because you told me. However his timetable worked well.

Images: 5.5 On account of there being just the one. This article needs at least three more I’d say. Probably one with the chicken fucking the camel, obviously. And a couple of others that link in with the story, or lead to a nice one liner. Try and make it look 90's though. Get drawings if you can actually, you know those black and white ones that illustrate novels like these?
Miscellaneous: 7 Despite my criticisms I still think this is a top article, certainly feature worthy. With some of teh more important changes (images and format) I'd have no probles voting for this. It doesn’t surpass T-rex though.
Final Score: 35 If you’d like to thank/ask/insult or have sex with me about anything you know where to find me.
Reviewer: ~Orian57~ Icons-flag-gb ~Talk~ Gay sign 21:28 26 April 2009
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