Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:Duty (second opinion)

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edit UnBooks:Duty

Though Mr. Banmagnet's review was helpful, I think he missed out on a lot because he was familiar with neither Joyce nor CoD4. I'd like to hear from someone who's familiar with at least one of these two things before I go about making any major changes. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 18:28, 8 June 2009 (UTC)

Humour: 7.5 I like this article, as well as the direction you're trying to take it in. That being said, there are some flaws with the way you write it. First, I think your links are a little strange. Something like "extra-circular school activities" should link to baseball or football. Also, the gamertag links to things like "gay" and "faggot" is also tone-inconsistent, so I recommend you get rid of those. Second, I think your jokes are too exclusive, which i'll get into below.
Concept: 6 As stated above, the main problem with your concept is that it requires people to have read a book by James Joyce or played Call of Duty 4 to get the jokes. To write successfully with something like this, you need to write in a style somewhat similair to your Peyton Manning article- gradually explain your concept as you write the article while simotaneously delievering the punchlines. An idea you could use for this would be to explain the maps in Call of Duty with detail while you're telling the story. For example: "He entered Downpour, which consisted of.. or something along those lines.
Prose and formatting: 4 Sorry, but i'm really going to have to hit you on this one. From what I can gather, there are two main problems: first, your images are too big. This might have to do with the size of your article. Big images worked in IOLT, but they don't work in this one because it isn't nearly as long as your other UnBook. I'd recommend scaling down the size of your images so they seem more portioned compared to the amount of text. Second, I think that your formatting looks like a hybrid between an UnScript and an UnBook, because of the way you lined up the dialogue in list form. This is your biggest problem- i'd recommend changing your dialogue so that it's in paragraph form, and each bit of dialogue clearly identifies the speaker.
Images: 6.5 I think they're decent, but there are a lot of other ways you could go with it. First, I think you could get an in-game shot to replace that last image, as the Gamespot logo sort of drags it down a bit. Second, the image of James Joyce feels a little out of place, as, although his style is used throughout the article, he is only mentioned a few times, so you might want to replace that. Overall, I think you should replace some of these images with your own in-game shot- using your own work might give you images better fitted to your writing.
Miscellaneous: 7 My overall grade of the article.
Final Score: 31 I think you've got a solid concept, and a decent article, but there is a lot of different things you could expand upon that could potentially put this on VFH. To recap: reduce the size of your images, change the formatting of your dialogue, upload some of your own, in-game shots, and above all, make the average reader mroe capable of understanding it- you're a good writer, Guildy, but one of your problems is that you write about obscure subjects and people, so make sure you explain it well enough so that everyone will laugh at it, like in Peyton Manning.

Bottom Line: Change your style to be more indentifiable, fix your dialogue format, and find some less generic images. Good luck! =)

Reviewer: Saberwolf116 02:47, 9 June 2009 (UTC)
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