Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:Doctor Loo
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I feel I should explain how this UnBook is meant to work. Originally I started by trying to make an UnJunior, which is why I used small words and short sentences. I felt that this did not do the story any justice, however, so I expanded the story greatly, which is why it is long.
I am fed up of submitting my articles to VFH on the grounds that it recieved a good review, and then watching my hopes dashed because it is 'not ready'. I want a real review. Criticism, all-out 'this sucks', just blast me with everything. I want the article to be good, not mediocre.
Please do not review the article with 'make it shorter' or 'remove that ghastly red link' or 'add more pictures'. If I make it any shorter, it will not make sense. The red link is funny, do not kill it just because it is red you racist. I am waiting for the potatochoppers to come up with a book cover picture for me, any other pictures will just detract from the article.
Thank you for your time <insert name here>.
Garionepsilon 16:26, January 7, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||5||Hi there, let's begin. Having read your article many times now there are two key suggestions I am going to make: Firstly it needs a lot more Doctor Who, and secondly the bathroom setting needs to be strengthened. Although your concept is potentially strong, your execution really hinders the article's potential. I will talk about these points more later, in concept.
For humour, there are a few things that seem a little random in the article. The main problem seems to be that, apart from the character names, this bears no resemblance to Doctor Who. For instance, is there any reason why The Doctor is Scottish? If there is, you need to make it clear why, if not I would recommend you get rid of it. The way he describes himself as a "Doctor of Bowels" similarly seems to come out of nowhere. Either explain more why the toilets are the way they are, or make them like specific doctors (Eccleston and Tennant for instance, although as a retro fan I'd prefer a Baker/Davidson regeneration).
You say it's long, but it really isn't. In fact I think it should be longer. It would be nice to see a longer, more Doctor-Whoish adventure taking place. This would solve both the length issue and the problem of randomness I describe above. You could easily satirise the show itself better - the shoddiness or poor acting of the old series, or the over the top melodrama of the new one, for instance. Make the Doctor in your article a parody of the real Doctor. You could even work more regenerations in here to cover more ground. Take a look at this excellent article for an idea of how to poke fun at the series.
Another problem I encountered is that there aren't many jokes in here. Sure the central idea is amusing, but no matter how good an idea is it can't sustain an article by itself and the reader may lose interest. Try to insert as many gags as you can throughout the story for maximum effect. As I've said, it could help if you satirise Doctor Who some more. There are bundles of things you can get from that, as it's such a long-running, varied (and often ridiculous) show.
With the second chapter, you might want to strengthen the conversation between the Doctor and Rose. Particularly the joke of the soap's mistaken gender. It's not convincing that she would be so upset at the Doctor laughing at her, since she acknowledges herself that she doesn't really have a gender. Why would the Doctor find this so funny? And why would Rose find it so offensive? This all seems to come out of nowhere, which doesn't help the joke.
The reference to regenerating meatloaf is also pretty obscure. I would recommend getting rid of it, or maybe working it into a footnote so it doesn't interrupt the flow of the article with its randomness.
The end, with Rose leaving doesn't make too much sense either. Rose hating the new Doctor seems like a bit of a quick and easy way to end the story. It would be better if you just end on the happy note of a new Doctor appearing, or construct a whole new ending altogether.
|Concept:||7||Your concept is ok, but could be utilised for much more humour. By itself, the idea of a Doctor Who story set in a bathroom with toiletries representing the characters is one that could work, but right now the two concepts seem too far apart. Except for the names it doesn't really have anything to do with Doctor Who. The Doctor in your story does not resemble his televisual counterpart at all. At the moment it seems the only justification for this is the fact that 'who' rhymes with 'loo' - which isn't really enough. Because of this, it seems to random. As I've said above, I think a solution to this would be to take more from the TV show. Read this for a nice example of how to blend two otherwise unrelated subjects. Note the way it humorously takes the Gangs of New York storyline and inserts Hannah Barbara cliches.
As for other concept issues, I was wondering why exactly it's an UnBook? After all Doctor Who is a TV Show, maybe you could think about making it an UnScript.
Overall however, I think you have some great ideas here, the idea of The Master just being a guy having a shit for example is a good one. But again, work it so he's more of a parody of the actual Master, and I think you'll be able to draw much more humour from this.
|Prose and formatting:||6||Your prose is fine. Your writing style is consistent throughout, which is great. The voice suits the article well, and there isn't really anything you need to change in that area.
The layout did bother me however, particularly the very short paragraphs. You don't need to have a line break after every sentence, and with such short sentences this makes it even worse. As I've recommended, you should bulk up the article with more material. That way, even if you don't move the paragraphs around your article should look better.
You could also do with an introduction, just a bit about the book, explain it's existence etc. Why is it a book for instance and not a TV show?
Having the first Doctor constantly talk in all-caps also doesn't help, particularly with the thick Scottish accent. Either lose some of the caps or - as I myself was once advised to do - use more bold (I find <big>text here</big>, also works). This should improve the look of the article. In fact, maybe you could go easy on the Scottish accent. I found it very difficult to read, and I fear those less familiar with the dialect might find it unintelligible (i.e. Americans, Australians). I know there were two Scottish Doctors but neither of them spoke like this, so I couldn't understand why your one did.
Finally, the masturbation joke in chapter 2 isn't very noticeable. Linking just the word 'I' to it means a lot of people are likely to miss it as it's hard to see.. Maybe use an ambiguous euphemism to refer to it, and put that in [] instead.
|Images:||0||There are no images so it has to be a zero for now. I know you explain about the images but I have to respectfully disagree. Just like the majority of other articles on here, this would definitely benefit from having some images. Maybe a series of different doctors as toilets? I don't see how that would detract from the article.|
|Miscellaneous:||4.5||I averaged your score here.|
|Final Score:||22.5||Ok then, to repeat my main points:
I know the suggestions I've made may involve taking your article in a different direction, but try not to be disenheartened. As I said the core idea is fine, but sometimes a different direction is all an article needs before great jokes start jumping out at you.
Ok then, that's everything I can think of, I hope I've been thorough enough, but if not please get back to me.
|Reviewer:||--Hugs and kisses, Black_Flamingo 21:35, January 12, 2010 (UTC)|