Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:Diary of a Monkey Lover (VFH Prep)
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Well Orian has helped me with this greatly but when we tried to put it on VFH, it was taken off due to it being tpo close to after it was QFA. So I guess we have to wait. In the meantime, I would like an indepth review to see if anything else should be added or changed. Thanks!13:46, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
- A wise descision, I was just gonna ask if you thought we should put it on pee. Anyway, yeah. ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 18:33 8 May 2009
Nachlader will review this article.
|Humour:||7||To review this article, I read the whole thing again. I've read the two VFH pages, read the first review by me and then the second review by Projectmayhem666, read the whole thing again again and then sorted out my Paypal account because it's sending messages to my old email for some odd reason. All this effort is necessary just to make sure that this article can reach enlightenment in it's best possible state.
Now first, let's re-establish my 'for' vote in the first attempt to get this article featured. It was the 17th of March, around teatime. I may have been drinking then, because that's how I remember many an evening in the course of March, not that I remember what I was actually doing at the time. That said, the justification for the 'for' vote, and I quote; "To me, it's gone from potential VFH to definite VFH.", is rather off. Thinking of the article back then, I would've abstained at best.
As with the last review, the article is still as funny as I thought it was, considering I usually score comedy on terms with how funny I found the thought of the subject and it's interpretation by the author, even if it had memes on every nook and cranny. With me?
So, as I said last time, the article is a prime example of developed grotesque humour. Usually people just say "how funny would a man having sex with a monkey be lol", but you've been able to manipulate it with all the seriousness you can apparently garner through the fingertips of your hands. Another example of this kind of work is here. As in the aforementioned article, however, grotesque humour can be rather old and childish. I used to laugh at fat girls, and then I turned 12.
My clear stance on terms of improvement with the humour angle of this article is to try and focus on other areas a bit. Think about it; the protagonist is a man who has a bestiality fetish - to most people, he's mad. As with a lot of articles, this supplies a scope of madcap humour on the character's part. Add an off-the-record remark from him here and there throughout the article; "the only time I liked my wife's presence was when I held her in her ermine coat. Other times she was just a blank slate", "the bearskin rug on the floor called for me, like a hooker whistles for clients", "Dogs, cats, hamsters. There were all kinds of animals in this
|Concept:||7||Seems to me that the most definite renovation to the article was the removal of the rape scene, which the masses complained about. However, to me, the horror of it still exists in the same part of the article. This is the opening line of the late chapter of the article,
"I woke up and every inch of my body was in severe pain, especially my rear end, for reasons I care not to think about."
Now, not to badger off here, but that seems to me like a very clear reference to rape. In my other review, I declared a degree of reluctance to advise having it in at all, but since I want to able to respect the author's vision for her/his own work I spoke about how it could be worded better anyway. The rape bit is gone, but in it's place there is still very much the awkward reading.
"Well...what is that? Oh I hear something. Is that a gorilla? Oh shit! It’s Stacy's gorilla coming to finish the job! Fuck! What is he doing? He just threw me in the air! AHHH! OOOWWW! I pass out."
Orian, in all his wording improvinginess (as praised below), failed to at least scupper the above quote. The quote itself is actually quite cringe worthy, especially at the point where the character says "He just threw me in the air!". Honestly, I can't suggest how this could be worded better, but to just remove it entirely. It would be the reason why I'd vote against this article being featured, serious cap on.
Having to read about a character who writes about what's happening at the extreme moment, especially about a hectic action, really is a turn off. I'd say, either remove it or, and here's the more attractive option that I can suggest: cut the protagonist off when he get's up to "well" in the above quotation block and add that blood spurt you see sometimes in articles, you know which one I'm talking about, the one you see at the end here. Then, in the following chapter, subtly tell the audience for the reason why he is in pain. It's not perfect, but then again, this sort of thing never is. It's far better than the current ending anyway.
Deal with all that pizazz and I might be willing to vote 'for'. Because everyone says "yes" when I'm around.
|Prose and formatting:||9||Much sharper and a tinge more grasping. This, I understand, is mostly due to Orian's involvement. Nothing problematic here that compares to the rest of the article's structure, so I'll push on.|
|Images:||6||This will be a nitpicking argument that builds on the last.
Same score as last time, because, well the fleet of images are the same and they are encountered by the same response from me as last time. The images are all the same, headshots of monkeys. To me, this seems visually unimaginative. You know how an article on wood would have pictures showing various kinds of planks in different shades of brown to yellow? It's boring and claims nothing from the gift of the rainbow. The same effect is seen here.
Image-work in an article can usually be forgiven if the best that can be done is captioning, but it's still somewhat lame if the same image is used over and over. The captions, meanwhile, are okay. The number of images is fitting of the article length.
But at least add an image that isn't another ape in the very last section (moving the template to image-less section).
|Miscellaneous:||7.5||Yeah, that's probably average'd.|
|Final Score:||36.5||So there you have it. I'd say that I enjoy PEEing at this hour with some alcohol, but then I'd be lying. Have a fantastic day and don't support capitalism.|
|Reviewer:||--21:43, 8 May 2009 (UTC)|