Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:Diary of a Monkey Lover (2nd Review)
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Well, I added and dropped a few chapters after a fantastic review by Nachlader. I am looking for one to finish this up. Also, this is optional but if you could think of a better name for this that'd be great, unless you like it which is okay too. Just an option. Thanks!01:25, 5 March 2009 (UTC)
...nobody? :(14:03, 12 March 2009 (UTC)
Projectmayhem666-has stamped this article for review.
edit WARNING SPOILERS BELOW
|Humour:||9||HAHAHA! Brilliant! The review seems rather trivial what with it being up for VFH but this certainly did make me laugh.
The introduction brings you into the story well, I think you should remove the and after the comma in and I found true love in unexpected. Not because its incorrect (shock horror) but because it reads better without the and, more prologue like if you do thats all. Using the but after the comma works well in the prologue though so I'm not just being language picky this time. "events leading up to this moment" would sound better being "events leading up until this moment". The intro is good though and works well.
Chapter 1 - Here you use the comma then and incorrectly, no comma is needed in , and wife. I wish people would stop doing it, I swear it's only used to annoy me. Right I think the only thing I could see that I'd do differently which doesn't affect the article it's just a personal preference. Would be if he didn't just lose interest in his wife but sex altogether, leading to an awakening when he sees Matty, but either way, would involve re-writing quite a bit so you might as well leave it the same. it's a good first chapter,
Chapter 2 - In the last paragraph you refer to her as something special twice, I think you need to change one of them to something else. Still a good chapter, absolutely nothing wrong here.
Chapter 3 - in the third paragraph, I believe where you say not as beautiful as my flower should either not use flower or have the my in italics for emphasis. I think it's brilliant how you personify the relationship, it's genius, the language does seem a little listy, but its ok.
Chapter 4 - This paragraph is very good, the ending is exceptionally funny.
Chapter 5 - Still no complaints, its a very good article. Its also quite suspenseful.
Chapter 6 - I like it, I don't care how disturbing it is, this is good shit. It works incredibly well. "Matty looked at me very sadly, "Ooh Ah oh?" she said very sadly." You keep using the same adjectives in sections, try using different words like upset, morose, sombre etc.
Chapter 7 - Hilarity, pure brilliance, I definately lolled, this section is the best on the article :p.
Chapter 8 - "I could never have been satisfied after I have been out here." should really be "I could never have been satisfied after being out here.".
This article is brilliant, enjoyed reading and reviewing it.
|Concept:||10||5/5 concept 5/5 for implementation.|
|Prose and formatting:||8||In Chapter 1 - "I signed up. I was on my way for a change of a lifetime." should have an and instead of a fullstop, it just sounds better.
In Chapter 2 - "What it turned out to be was a four week period of a bunch of old people" should be "What it turned out to be was a four week period with a bunch of old people"
In Chapter 3 - "She laughed as a slipped a few times. I had decided to name her Matty." should be "She laughed as I slipped a few times. I had decided to name her Matty." "before treated me to a cold lion feast" should be "before treating me to a cold lion feast".
In Chapter 5 - "When he realized I had no clue what I was talking about" should be "When he realized I had no clue what he was talking about".
In Chapter 8 - "and I can by a big ol' dog." should be "and I can buy a big ol' dog." Also "But on the planeride back" should be "But on the plane ride back".
|Images:||8||Maybe could use a closing picture but the images work really well, excellent use, they fit appropriately with the article.|
|Miscellaneous:||10||It might be sick but its got that something special, 10/10.|
|Final Score:||45||Very good article, it has my vote on VFH.|
|Reviewer:||--—The preceding signed comment was added by Projectmayhem666 (talk • contribs). 13:50, 20 March 2009 (UTC)|