Okies, this is actually the first good UnBook that I've finished. I think it's pretty damned excelent but I could be wrong. Thoughts? does it need shortening, do those pictures work? Orian57Talk19:42 5 July 2009
I find myself concurring completely with your above sentiment in this respect. Intelligently written and done from a perspective that often ends in failure. I feel that your humour gels very well, points do not feel over stressed and the humour is a good blend of subtlety and in-your-face bluntness.
I think that your concept is a very intriguing one the idea of a zombie apocalypse being handled with complacency is, while less original than other ideas, still an underused one and brilliantly satirizes the convention that is portrayed in mainstream works.
Prose and formatting:
I think that your prose and formatting are absolutely fine and you have been at this for long enough to know how to proofread. My only comment here would be with regards to the length; while your early humour does a great deal to hook a reader in, some parts of the story feel slightly unnecessary and less essential than others. For me it was the part concerning the character of Charley, while it builds on the earlier idea of the narrator's annoyance with life and the people around them, the character's introduction felt like a slightly awkward shift from the early part of the story. I would simply urge you to consider the impact of the introduction of the character on someone who finds the relationship between the narrator and his daughter the more amusing aspect of the piece. Granted I am making a mountain out of a mole hill here, as the character is only intended to portray real-life issues that the narrator is forced to put up with and the sections with that contain the character are very amusing. I would only suggest that you briefly revisit the character's early appearance and consider their impact on a tentative reader of the story.
The weakest part of your piece by quite a long way. While the early image of the cover is absolutely fine a couple of the later images seem to compliment the less funny parts of your article. The Duracell image confused me most as the batteries are a relatively small part of the section, an image that would compliment the section would be one concerning 'Mr Patel' or the zombies. I also felt that your piece was crying out for an image of the zombies, it could easily fit, I was very surprised that there wasn't one. I was also slightly unsure about the use of the bike image twice, is the repetition really necessary? Could the first image's caption not encapsulate the second image? I would urge you to revisit the images and decide whether another image would better compliment the text. I also feel unsure as to the last image, it doesn't seem to play much of a purpose especially in the context of the section which does not even refer to it.
My overall grade for the article. Note: While a 7 for the images seems to demand a lower score I think that this piece is a brilliant example of how things should be done, and, most importantly, I enjoyed reading it.
Overall an excellent article that deserves recognition and praise. I know I tend to go on over small issues, so don't set too much stall by my comments. In my view only the images need any work and I think you had recognised a need for that yourself. An excellent article, by far the best I have reviewed so far.... granted this is only my fourth. Well done.