Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:ChiefJusticeDS and Me - The Diary of an Uncyclopedia N00b

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edit UnBooks:ChiefJusticeDS and Me - The Diary of an Uncyclopedia N00b

Nothing too special, just your average PEE. --Some Idiot Image002 03:24, July 17, 2010 (UTC)

Some Idiot Image002 03:24, July 17, 2010 (UTC)

HELPME

This tag means that I am here to HELP YOU by giving your article a review.

If this takes more than 24 hours, whack me with a large metal pole.

Done quite a bit now.--Sir HELPME Talk (more? --> CUN ROTM NOTM Pleb USS Pees SK ) On Tuesday, 07:07, July 20 2010 UTC

Humour: 5 Everything is in concept, for some weird reason, so I'll just say hi here. Hi. Remember that on my scale, 5 is average, 7 is good, and 8 or more is great. And 1 sucks.
Concept: 4 I'm gathering all of my advice here because this is the core problem with your article. The concept is in-jokey and self-referential- hence the issues.

My first piece of advice is to change the title. Putting two zeros instead of o's in the word "noob" is meme-ish. A lot of people, including myself, look down on this kind of stuff. Make sure you put this change into effect throughout your article- always spell "noob" with o's instead of zeros.

The introduction is a bit unfunny, and a bit short. A good introduction does these three things:

  1. Introduces the concept of the article - You did this.
  2. Includes some humor - you didn't really do this. I think you should expand on the introduction somehow. Make sure to add some humor while avoiding namedropping, which is a common issue with writers trying to put a lot of humor in a few sentences. Make sure all of the humor in the introduction is relevant and, favorably, states a concept for the future of the article.
  3. Is at least a paragraph long - yeah, your introduction is a bit short. Expand on it in ways I said above.

I also didn't like the fact that you mentioned India specifically - why not just say "abroad"?

As we get into the first section, I discover a common pitfall by newer users: abuse of the {{USERNAME}} template. There are two fundamental problems with doing this: Number one, to IPs, it just says <insert name here>, which ruins the joke. Number two, "{{USERNAME}} <insert insult, usually a gay joke> jokes have been done to death. As it's not essential to the story, you should remove this reference.

There wasn't really much humor in the next section, either. I understand you are making fun of stupid noobs, but it's a bit dry. I think a couple of zesty one-line jokes might help you.

The next section is exactly the same. You could make a joke about him replacing the page with a certain phrase that implies his stupidity. Also, for the fake log, you could make Chief say something a bit funnier rather than simple insults. Also, one little note: the log says he was blocked on July 17, but he blanked Chief's talk page on July 18. Just a factual inaccuracy I found.

Why exactly did he not come on until July 20th? You could make a joke about what he was doing. This has the same key problems as the sections above. You could make some more one-liners about stuff. For example: What exactly did the forum say? Remember that this is an UnBook, so you should feel free to make it long- real books are certainly long-winded. Be very specific about everything.

Another thing you could do: What did the logs for the deletion of the forum, the article, and the blocking of the user say? You can milk this to its full potential.

The problem with your concept is the fact that people who have never used Uncyclopedia before won't know what the hell you're talking about. So, what you could do is focus less on satirizing the person's experience on Uncyclopedia and more on the person. That way, first-timers can laugh and understand as well.

Your execution has one key issue: it's not all that funny. What you need is more laugh-out-loud moments along with the dry satire.

Another problem with your execution is the fact that the article is so short. As I mentioned above, the article is an UnBook, and there's no problem with it being long. There are plenty of places to expand. Once you add the one-liners, the content will be beefed up quite a bit, but you also need more in your conclusion. I like your ending, but it needs to have a bit more before that ending line. A conclusion-type section would be better instead of a section named after the day.

Prose and formatting: 5 There were multiple minor issues here.

A big issue with your prose is that it seems a bit disjointed. Those paragraphs are really' short! The longest one was three lines- most of them were 1 or 2. Those aren't paragraphs- those are sentences. Make sure to only change paragraphs when you are changing ideas, or when your paragraph is getting over around seven lines.

You made quite a few spelling and grammar mistakes. Make sure to spellcheck all of your pages. If you still feel like you have spelling and grammar problems, you should contact the people at Uncyclopedia:Proofreading Service. Put {{Proofread}} on your article, and they'll come and help you.

Honestly, I'm not a fan of all of the code boxes. They make the article look kind of ugly. I would like you to cut down on those so that only a few are there. I think the content of the "article" made by the narrator is fine in a code box, but I don't think the other parts need it so badly.

The last thing I want to talk about here is the image formatting. That first image is really long. I don't think you need to include the whole main page in your screenshot- just a little preview of it. As a rule, a picture shouldn't be longer than the closest section in most cases. Yours is about two times that big. Also, one more image would break up the text a bit, which would be nice. You should add one.

Images: 5 Well, first, check the formatting ramblings.

Alright, so the first image is OK. I think you should make it a bit wider however, because at the moment, the text looks kind of smashed together. I don't think it's necessary for me to be able to read the text clearly, but it should at least look neat.

The second image backs up the concept, but isn't very funny. You could try adding some more in the caption, along the lines of what you have already. For example, you could say something like "Who does he think he is, an admin?" That's stupid, but you get the idea. Another problem with this image is the fact that newer users won't know this is Chief. You could try to clarify that in the caption.

The third image is mostly OK, but has the same issue I mentioned in the end of the last paragraph. Make sure you state that this is UU.

I think you need another image. Images are are a great way for some quick humor. Considering that if you follow this review, you will lengthen the article, and will therefore need more images. For example, you could use an image of the narrator. Other than that, I'm not sure what other images you could include. That's your choice, I suppose.

Overall, you need more images and better captions. This is currently a weak spot in your article.

Miscellaneous: 2 Lowering your score a bit.
Final Score: 21 The concept is a core issue here, but if you fix this up based on what I mentioned, this will be a nice little article. Although, I don't think it'll ever featured due to injokeyness.

On my scale, a score of 21 is slightly below average.

So, you should try to do some rewriting work here. Oh yeah, and sorry if this review is just a jumble of ideas. Complain on User talk:HELPME if it is.

Reviewer: --Sir HELPME Talk (more? --> CUN ROTM NOTM Pleb USS Pees SK ) On Tuesday, 10:14, July 20 2010 UTC
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