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Would like an review on this baby, I've fixed it up a bit since it's last submission, although I want to know if the beginning needs to be trimmed down. I personally like it, but I have been led to believe it may be too long and unwieldy. Knock yourself out. - UnIdiot | | Talk | Contribs -
04:12, Jul 30
|Humour:||7||Chapter 1: The Calm Before The Storm, 6
While I see what you're trying to do, the excessive dryness and repetition here just didn't really work out that well for me. There could possibly be some one liners about the things that discussed in the article, for example, there could be a quick anectdote about Tetris, or possibly some sort of humorous explanation of Linux for those who have not been introduced to the magical world of computer geekism. Since there's later a discussion about how crazy Linux users are (the IRC conversation) you might want to give some sort of humorous setup about you joining their ranks, etc. The third paragraph is where you begin to hit your stride; I enjoyed the quick explanation of the blue light, and the father joke. The tittywanker joke was a little funny, but not great. Still, you need to either slim down the expository text or pepper it with jokes, because it's a little bit too dry.
Chapter 2: It Begins, 5
Unfortunately, we begin to lose the humor here. It's not terrible or anything, but the witty little anectdotes start to fade away. There's a mention of the Matrix, but you only quote it, which didn't really work for me on a humorous level. I think that if you could think of a little story to go with it, this could be pretty funny. There's a mention of what you father's done to you, and I think there's a decent chance this could be exaggerated on, maybe through a quick flashback?
Chapter 3: A "Solution", 8
Now you start to tell little stories about everything you mention, which greatly adds to the variety of the article. The longer story about the computer, when peppered with little extra stories (the Chex Mix, the Tetris Movie), is a little bit rambling but this is perfect for the style of the narrator. My main suggestion here would be to tell a little more about the internal speaker: possibly have the narrator growing extremely frusterated about the speaker's persistence to destroy his life, etc.
Chapter 4: The Internet Tries To Help, 9
This little conversation and setup worked extremely well for me, as it's a good representation of the typical internet community. You might want to lead up a little bit to this, possibly explaining the narrator's hesitation to go to an internet chat for help, but it's not really necessary.
Chapter 5: A Sore Ass, 7
This could use with a little bit more regular text from the narrator; while the increasingly sized beeping works well, I think that humor could be injected through the narrator's growing frustration with the computer as he begins to really panic. Also, since it's the internal speaker doing this, and the speaker is mentioned before, you might want to have some exceptionally angry responses to its persistence in ruining the narrator's life.
|Concept:||7||A technological, rambling story could work well for the niche audience of computer geeks and such, as long as it continues to have persistent one liners and jokes to accompany the story that you're telling.|
|Prose and formatting:||8||There's no real issues with the formatting, but the prose could use a little work. For example, in the beginning, "I loved Tetris, it was my favorite game," sounds a little bit weak, and you continue this throughout. I'm not sure if this was a deliberate style choice, but the blunt form doesn't conduct humor that well. There's also a few minor typos and odd grammar choices, I suggest rereading it slowly and carefully to catch all of these.|
|Images:||8||The pictures worked well with the exception of the black and green screen, which didn't really add that much. The rest of the pictures have a more humorous aspect, whereas this one feels simply like a prompt screen. This is the area where you talk about Chex Mix, and maybe you could have a picture of that instead? It's just that there's a picture of code that is already in the article and that is mostly black.|
|Final Score:||37.5||With a little bit more anecdotes and stories, this could definitely hit hard with a niche audience of those who are tech savvy, though I should warn you that most other people wouldn't care much for the code and Linux aspects of it. Still, it's generally a funny article, just one that could use a bit more humor in between the serious story parts.|
|Reviewer:||--mrmonkey72 03:27, 31 July 2008 (UTC)|