Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:A Day In the Life of Armond White
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|A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article|
is being reviewed by:
UU - natter
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).
|Humour:||7||There we go, I knew this was in there somewhere - what we have here, my friend, is a bloody good start! Now people score differently, so remember 5 is my average (it being halfway and all) so 7 from me is good. I like this idea - the guy really seems like this pompous buffoon (although I tend to agree with one of the comments on that Up review - it seems like a persona) and putting that in a series of everyday situations is a good one, and gives you plenty of opportunity to have fun with it.
And, for the most part, you do well with it. I like the first couple of sections particularly - the pancakes critique is nice (although 30 minute pancakes? 30 seconds is surely more like it, or do you like to play frisbee with yours?) I also like the movie review - citing Meet The Spartans as the superior film was a nice touch.
So why did I say "for the most part" then? Well, simply put, this gets a tad repetitive - it's the same basic joke every chapter, and while you obviously enjoy parodying his style, that means the article gets stale before the end. You need to mix it up a bit here - perhaps put him in a situation where his superciliousness is dented quite badly in one chapter, take him right out of his comfort zone and have him flounder a little, let us enjoy seeing him exposed before he goes back to his insular little worldview with another chip to add to the mound on his shoulder. I'd maybe cut out the "dinner" chapter, where I think you were running out of ideas, and see if you can re-work his lunchtime to change the formula - possibly have a bunch of people gang up on him a little, or something, just change the record a little, y'know?
|Concept:||8||This is a good idea, and you've already got the mileage from it. My biggest worry is that it may be a slightly tough sell to those like me who have never encountered the guy. To that end, your intro is probably your other weakness here - it's short, it doesn't sell the concept, it doesn't set the guy up so people who don't click on the link don't know what they're getting. I think you need to have a more interesting intro.
Now, while I'm not holding this up as a great intro, I'm gonna link here to UnMysteries:A Tissue Of Lies, because on its first go on VFH, people didn't know what to expect from it, got confused, and it didn't do too well. Cajek pointed out as much in a review. So I gave it an intro that set up what to expect a lot more, and the next time it sailed through. Moral: a good intro is vital - sell the character and the concept right from the start. Perhaps have the kind of excited dust jacket blurb you get on books desperate to sell, or something. But it will make a difference.
Also, I think having the book be about him, rather than by him, would be important - if it was by him, the whole thing would be in his prose style, and he'd justify his actions far more fully. Maybe have it be a biography for a feature in a film magazine or something - "my day following in the footsteps of a film-review god", you know - that kind of thing.
|Prose and formatting:||6||A few typos: "swalled his food", "seperate", "Determinted", "interperet", "approched", "naievity", "The protaganist", "sandwhich", "intellegence", "suplements", "belitteled". Plus little things such as "your mock of the common man" which should really be "your mocking", or "your mockery".
But the main thing I want to address here is rhythm. 5 of your 7 sections, as well as having the same basic joke, have a very similar rhythm - two or three set-up lines, then a lengthy rant from Armond, then a line or two afterwards. This couples with the lack of variety to almost grate by the end of the article, which is a shame, because as I say, it's a good article. So as well as breaking up the whole article with at least one section with a different idea, try to take the sections you have and structure a couple of them differently. Make more of the argument with the motorist, possibly (also, please make more of him leaving his car where it was smashed as he walks away to the subway - there must be a way he can reflect on this with an air of superiority).
A repetitive rhythm, coupled with a lack of variety, that's all that's holding this article back from an even higher score.
|Images:||7||The right number, well spaced, and, with a little fiddling, captioned too. The captions do need to be consistent with the tone though - instead of having them voiced by the other participants, have the writer note something about them - "the pancakes that so offended Armond's sensibilities" or whatever.|
|Final Score:||35.3||Right, thanks for asking me to look at this - I enjoyed it. I like the idea, and it shows you can write, and write well too. Take heart, and keep going. To summarise this, you really need to:
So take this on board, and this article could go far!
I'm sure you know this by now, but this is only my opinion, others are available. And as always, good luck!
|Reviewer:||--UU - natter 21:15, Jun 15|