Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:A Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity

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edit UnBooks:A Bold Fresh Piece of Humanity

Secret Agent 00:23, October 19, 2010 (UTC)

Hey, I've been reviewing a lot lately- maybe I could get this one too? --~~First Child Rei Ayanami (give orders) 14:22, October 26, 2010 (UTC)
Tis would be excellent if you could review my first work on this website. Thanks in advance.--Secret Agent 16:42, October 27, 2010 (UTC)
Humour: 4.5 Hey Secret. (Oh, did I tell you that's your new nickname? Secret.) I'm glad to see a new contributor to the site and hopefully you will become a prosperous writer. That being said, there's a lot of work to be done with this article. It's missing a lot. If you're going to write an article on a political commentator, what you need to do is satirize their political opinions. A great article to check out to learn how to do this would be Ann Coulter. That article is a spot-on lampooning of Ann's far-rightedness. With your own article, however, I can feel a trace of clever satire, it's there, it's there, I can feel it, it's just... not there. I saw a hint of mocking O'Reilly's self-absorbed, womanizing demeanor in your article, but that was all. A hint, and nothing more. If you've experienced the misfortune of having flipped through The O'Reilly Factor For Kids like I have, you'd notice that he starts the book with "This book is not about me. It is about you." He then goes on to talk about things HE'S experienced, girls HE slept with, etc. etc. Write your article like O'Reilly would- that is, full of self-promoting stories that nobody gives a rat's ass about.

Perhaps the biggest problem with your article is the content, or rather lack thereof. Actually, it's both. Your article is so short, and yet a lot of it isn't about O'Reilly himself, but a bunch of unrelated stories that don't necessarily fit the bill for one of the self-promoting stories I just talked about, although the cruise one could be interesting. You need to make this article about Bill O'Reilly, because you're trying to write from his point of view, and what does he love talking about? Exactly.

Also, take out the "asassinated by Jesus" thing, that's just odd.

Concept: 5 The concept itself is good, if not a little iffy, as it's hard to write an UnBook that is an existing book already, but that's not the main thing here. The execution is mediocre, and employs the concept to about 30% its full potential. I mean, without good execution, there's really not much of a concept, right? You need to find a satirical angle and take it, mock O'Reilly while emulating him at the same time. Think like you were writing this for him, in order to show him what an idiot he is. There is any number of angles you could take with this article, once you find your direction, it's all up to you.
Prose and formatting: 4 The main problem with your prose is that there is simply not enough. That being said, there is still some significant problems with what you already have. I see 7 sections and about two sentences per section. The out-of-proportion header-word ratio is really ugly. Some of the all-caps you used was a little too all-capsy for my taste, so get rid of that. Also, the strikethrough at the end was unsightly and irrelevant, a double whammy. There was also a lot of spelin an GRAMER, mistakes? I'm pretty sure I didn't pick up, but I can feel them. Yeah. That's my superpower. I detect grammar.
Images: 4 The first one should be just a regular cover, it shouldn't be in that online website format, or whatever. And the second one is just... odd. This is a kinda weird section for me, because in my vision for this article, there's tons of images that can't be put in the context of this at the moment, so yeah, no suggestions for now. Sorry.
Miscellaneous: 5 My overall opinion.
Final Score: 22.5 This isn't all that good of a first article yet, but it has a little potential, and it definitely showed that you had a lot. Now, I'm going to jump off my house and watch Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann on Hulu. Peace, Rei.
Reviewer: --~~First Child Rei Ayanami (give orders) 03:28, October 28, 2010 (UTC)
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