The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
| ||Ah, your first article... and let me say, for a first, it is a amazingly... well, article-like, compared to most of them. Coherent, sensible, has funny bits... it even has a definite concept to which it sticks pretty much all the way through and even builds off; I'm impressed. That's unusual, see. Which is kind of sad, but... anyhow. Yours has an idea and angle, so I'll stop yakking about what's just fine and go into stuff that might prove more helpful for improvement.
Main conceptual issue, I think, would just be accessibility to the average reader - will they be able to get it? The Christian whatnot is more widely known, so that's not an issue; very common religion, with some rather overly advertised silliness and well-known idiosyncrasies amongst practitioners, too - you put some of these to use, but why not other bits? What in regards to Christians winds up in the news, for instance? What do they do? Seriously, I don't know; I don't read the news, but it might prove a good connection for other folks that do. The more these things connect to folks' own lives and experiences, the more funny they tend to be.
Problem is, it's very computery - obviously, since it's about a distribution of an operating system, it would be, but that doesn't mean you have to go into such technical detail - the detail is lost on most folks, and really does little more than alienate them. Lose some of the specifics, and mix the really good ones up with more vague things, analogies and metaphors and other fancible whatnots that impress the liberal arts majors. I tried doing that, used a silly analogy in one of mine (granted, that was more because I was on a deadline and couldn't think of anything to write, but that's beside the point) - and it came out a little weirdly there, but with the whole Christianity thing, you have a lot more to work with. I mean, you do this already with the God as kernel and other changed names, but really parallel the things more, and develop those parallels, and you may even manage to teach the plebes a thing or two about computers in general in the process. Compare specifics to the Bible, perhaps? Just as So-and-so did some miracle, UbuntuCE does... something. How even the tiny details are the same...
At the end of it all, though, know your audience. Work with that.
|Prose and formatting |
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
| ||This is probably your most problematic regard. It's not that you can't write or even that it's sloppily written, since those just plain ain't the case, but it's very cursory, doesn't go particularly in-depth with the jokes, and doesn't seem particularly organised. It's just section, section, section... without much apparent reason why most of them they're in the order in which they are. Make it flow. Start by introducing the thing, yes, but then have that lead directly into the next part, which in turn leads into the next - there should be reason why it is in the order it is, perhaps all along building up momentum so you can end it with one finally grand funny... though that last bit certainly isn't necessary. One way to do it.
And go more into the topics. So cursory. If you stop on them a little longer and develop the jokes, say some more relevant stuff, who the developers are, what the impacts of things are, how the monotheistic kernel affects operations, how it handles multiple cores, how the aengels operate differently from daemons, what problems this might have caused in development, how users react... pull it together.
Don't just list, talk about things. Mind, there is a definite hatred for lists around here - your article as it is demonstrates how much briefer and cursory they can make things, as well as how much potential humour can be lost, but lists also tend to be idiocy magnets from IPs and whatnot. Very easy to tack on new entries, not like with paragraphs which tend to have more definite structure and flow. It's also easier to read a paragraph. Smoother. Minds seem to like that.
Get rid of the lists. Paragraph it, not just so it's funnier and you have more of an opportunity to go in-depth and so it reads better, but also so it's harder for random passerby to muck it up without it being immediately apparent. Keep the ideas, of course, but as sentences within a paragraph... here's a random one.
- Differences from other Ubuntu editions are subtle, but like the differences between religions, they are immediately apparent to users and prone to cause great discomfort when they come up in conversation. Instead of killing tasks like in other editions, tasks are exorcised. This, as with much of the system, is specifically tailored to be in accordance with the ten commandments; killing is specifically forbidden. Likewise, the daemons inherent to other editions have been replaced with angels, as a hard drive infested with daemons would be more difficult to bless. Though an Apple lawsuit is pending, these blessed hard drives are another feature of the system, enabling advanced support of holy scripture...
I know, not very good, and the jokes I added are also... not very good, but my point is more flow than content, here - the jokes do flow from each other more just a list, this way. There's also... room, so to speak, to expand on them, and room for more little jokes as well as more poking at the main thing, tying it more concretely to your main concept. You're the expert here; you can probably come up with much better in general, but you should be able to make it a lot more effective, as well as just read better, if you use a better format.
Quotes are another thing widely hated around here. They're just overused (like lists) and tend not to be very funny (also like lists), nor do they look that good (also also like lists). If you are going to have them, though, keep it to one or two and make sure they're funny in of themselves as well as lead into the article, perhaps setting scene or tone or some such. None of the ones you have here seem to particularly do so, however, so you may want to lose these entirely. And do move the first section up - by which I mean it shouldn't have a header; the lede usually comes before the table of contents, so we know what this even is before we see what the contents are. In general, though, look how other articles are formatted, especially the featured ones. Use their structures as examples, see what you think looks good and what doesn't, and perhaps put similar whatnots to use, in this and in others.
Also, subsections - you used two equals for the section headers, use more equals signs for subsections, and break it up by what's related. ===Kernel=== and ===filesystem=== could go under some ==system== section, or put that under ==Software==, for instance. That kind of thing. Keeps it more organised.
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
| ||Ah, the notions... world domination, assimilation, monotheism, the inevitable heretics... just lovely. Anyhow, for a section-by-section because I'm boring like that:
- Some sensical concerns, here. Why is it bringing the power and security of God to Christians? Should they not already have that through their faith? Or is this another way of returning that faith? Perhaps I'm just being dense, actually.
- That it's so widely supportive has me more confused, though. Some of the denominations don't even consider the others Christians, so how does that account for an operating system supporting the lot? How did the developers cooperate to share the libraries and whatnot involved between the different ones developing their own denominational versions? Or did they not? Perhaps there was too much disdain and they didn't share and some came up with completely different setups... perhaps they masked it with smiles and cooperation, loving their fellow developers even as they knew the others would still go to Hell, either way... I dunno, something to consider, anyhow. Could possibly make something funny out of it.
- Why is it a virtually created universe? What is a universe, when you get right down to it, but the extent of existance? Would not the capacity of a computer be its own universe, and anything virtual within that be a smaller verse? Or is it deluding the system through some complex algorithms or something that it is in fact bigger than the thing itself? Perhaps some parallel?
- And why world domination? Would not world conversion be optimal? Granted, they're basically the same thing, but would a Christian actually say it? How would one put it, bringing the love of God to all across the world... I dunno. Get irony in there, perhaps. Maybe something about how the internet is, or how God is, or religion in general.
The File System
- Some of the bugs mentioned later make this section a little more interesting...
- But why would it hide porn? Why would a good Christian even have porn, supposedly? Porn isn't inherently funny, anyhow, and here it just seems completely random. Either you need more random things so it's not the odd thing out, or...
- Canonical - is that a play on the fact that the company supporting and organising Ubuntu is called 'Canonical'? Interesting coincidence if not, but either way, could make for a good joke for those familiar with it if you can make it seem less coincidental. Not entirely sure how you do that, though... the later mention doesn't really help, either, since the term is being used completely differently. Now it's definitely the company. Eh, perhaps it's good enough as it; not like I'm helping.
- The code coming from Q, that's getting a little weird, especially since this is the first mention of it not being an ordinary developed by folks thing. For that matter, why would it be something from Star Trek? Are those folks gods? Which one would even be the Christian God?
- Hel is a Norse god... she has a realm somewhere deepish.
- The snippet of code itself, though... this won't mean a thing to anyone not familiar with C-like languages - a shame, since some of it's pretty clever, but... eh. What you could do, though is talk about the snippet. Have a paragraph or so discussing the snippet, what it contains, the ramifications of it being smuggled out, what folks made of it and tried to do with it, etc, and then have a link to the snippet itself on a subpage or something - if folks can understand the stuff, it'll be there, but it'll also be out of the way of the rest of folks. Having it in a scrolling thing in the middle of the page is just annoying when trying to scroll up and down the page, though, but it's pretty long to just leave straight on the page.
Differences From Other Ubuntu Editions
- I like the daemons/aengels bit...
- Anyhow, the Apple lawsuit... what is that? What are you referring to? Links, perhaps, so the less in the loop of us can see what you're referring to?
- Removing the viruses by prayer is a fitting notion... are they like sins? Or daemons? But why would a ubuntu have viruses at all? Are they not a Windows thing, or is there something specific about this one that it contracts them from something else? From being used by the less pure? By... well, something. But why not explain it out, lay out something ridiculous in that wonderfully matter-of-fact encyclopaedic tone?
- The Muslims being converted... again, this seems strange. Again, elaborate, and perhaps hint more at whatever you're alluding to...
- All Christians have their sabbat on sundays? Okay, I'm clueless... but anyhow, that fits. Could add something about the ones that won't do any 'work' at all, unless I'm misrecalling. I recall banisters. Perhaps that was a dream. But anyhow, specifics are good if people are apt to get them.
- The limit that is reached, is this the... physical limit? Is this like dying, the bounds of flesh, or some such? Parallels, man...
Good Friday Egg
- Okay, this one went right over my head. I dunno what to say.
Meh, this list has less to it than the others. It's the sort of bad listy list that elicits hatred from people. The others just need expansion, but this is just some names; not really that funny. I'd suggest cutting it out and focussing on the others, really. Have some examples of names somewhere else, whichever the better are (I'd suggest, but I'm not rightly sure, myself), but no need for the whole pile.
- No need for a see also if you only have stuff you already linked to in the article. But if you do want a see also, what would be some funny links fitting what the article regarded? Continue the humour.
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
| ||Okay, for the first one, why is there a FSM in the centre? That seems incredibly strange, for a Christian OS, considering what the FSM is. Caption doesn't really help, either. Hopefully that's just a reference to something and I'm being clueless, but the entire thing just doesn't seem particularly funny to me.
Second image... that's a lovely one. Possibly a mite overused (I've seen it on a few other articles), but it fits the article, as does the third. Could be more amusing potentially, or could support the article more, as these are generally why images are there, but... actually, a section on releases, beta versions, testers, etc might not be a bad idea, in general.
For the length it is, you could get away with keeping the number of images you have, or add one or two, but you may really want to make some of them bigger, especially the fire one. Thumb default it 200px; try 300px, perhaps? Like so, in case you're unfamiliar - [[Image:Image.jpg|thumb|300px|Caption...]]
Anything else... or not...
| ||How much of an effect could fairy wings have on a semi? Er, I mean... miscellaneous number. Gut feeling about the article as it currently stands, or some such. Not that the numbers mean terribly much, anyhow... I never was any good at following scales. Heed the comments more, or something.
|Final score | ~ 10:37, 27 February 2011
| ||Congratulations; you have just received your first in-depth whingeing about an article. That's basically what this is, just me complaining about everything I could think of regarding the piece, so please don't be put off by it - you have a definite start of something, here, and some rather lovely ideas already established. What they need is consolidation - pull the article together into a more solid read that flows more, and it could become something rather great, I suspect. And you're still working on it, so I do hope this helps, good luck, and don't hesitate to drop by if you have any questions, comments, etc.