Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/USA Women Team Swimmer Disqualified
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Let me know what you guys think of this story-a continuation of a running theme I've been creating. Thanks, Smuggler. Smuggler 23:12, 12 August 2008 (UTC)
|A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article|
is being reviewed by:
UU - natter
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).
|Humour:||7||Right, a solid seven here. Did make me chuckle a couple of times. I liked the line about the mayor, Travis Tidbits, and the final paragraph was quite good, and a decent way to wrap up. The problem was in the consistency and the explanation, criticism of which probably fits better under the prose section, so I'll pop it down there. However, I'll mention here that there are several keys to good humour articles, and while concept and decent jokes certainly help, consistency in your style and explaining things properly also help quite a bit.|
|Concept:||7||Pretty good, I'd say - the images help to highlight the absurdity of a guy passing himself off as a girl in a sport where it's hard to conceal anything in the uniform of choice. You got some good ideas from it too - again, contrasting the images with the guys finding him attractive helps. And the final section moves away a little from that idea, preventing it from coming off as a one-joke article. Although I'd say you do need a line or two more about something other than people finding him attractive to fully escape that feeling.|
|Prose and formatting:||5||OK, here's the thing: the main issue I have with the prose is you don't explain things properly. You never actually mention why he got disqualified. OK, given the pics and the comments, it's fairly obvious, but that doesn't matter. It's a news article. In a news article, they mention the reason. Consistency with the style you're writing in helps to make the absurdity work better. Plus you could get a good joke out of the way you explain it.
Continuing with the consistency thing, a Chinese Olympic official said "That dude make me as hard as Chinese Algebra!"? A US official at the Olympics, possibly, but not a Chinese one - they've got a better chance than most of understanding Chinese Algebra, so that statement doesn't work so well, plus the vocabulary doesn't fit, and if you're trying to mine absurdity from a Chinese official speaking in an unexpected style, you need to make more of it than one line, or it gets lost.
Finally, there are a few grammatical slips, like "Poor planning and miscommunication are to blamed once again" ("have been blamed" would work better); using semicolons before quotes as well - should be colons. As in "Travis Tidbits upon hearing the LATEST news: "WHAT?! EWWWW!!!" etc. Also "they laughed their asses off and pointed and John and Jim" - should be "laughed at".
In the Chinese Algebra section, you have an ambiguous statement - "The others pointed at him". It's not clear who "the others" are. Other officials? Other swimmers? Other people?
In the final paragraph, winded should really be wound.
And that's about it. So yeah, work on the prose and the newsy feel a bit. Don't miss out the perceived point of the story (the reason) and tidy up a little, and it should be dandy.
|Images:||9||Good. Relevant and amusing. Work well with the prose. Can't really fault you here.|
|Miscellaneous:||7||Averaged per usual.|
|Final Score:||35||This is a pretty good article, with a good idea, in need of some tidying up and clarification. Don't forget to explain your stories properly before getting into the jokes - proper set-up almost always improves a good joke.
Finally, this is a good score from me. I mark with 5 as average (I'm just that kind of crazy guy) so this is above average overall, and really just needs tweaking to make it really quite decent. And don't forget: this is just my opinion, others are available. And good luck!
|Reviewer:||--UU - natter 08:53, Sep 3|