Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/USA Men's Olympic Water Polo Team Disqualified

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edit UnNews:USA_Men's_Olympic_Water_Polo_Team_Disqualified

Smuggler 09:48, 10 August 2008 (UTC)

Masaru

PEE REVIEW IN PROGRESS

Hyperbole is engaged in the dual processes
of giving you his opinion and pretending you care.
Humour: 3 Normally I do Pee Reviews section-by-section, but this being UnNews, it's all one section. Huh. I guess I'll go paragraph-by-paragraph.

First paragraph: change "turn of horrendous events" to "horrendous turn of events." I'm not entirely clear on the concept of this article after reading this paragraph. Why was the Water Polo team disqualified? Why were the Chinese so furious that they jumped up and down? What is this petition? Who filed it? Who did they file it with?

Second paragraph: This doesn't make any sense unless we know who "Travis Tidbits" is. Apparently, he's a fictional character from the other UnNews about the fencing team, but that isn't made clear, and even in that article, it isn't clear who he is. The problem with this paragraph is that it really isn't funny - it's just a guy being angry about a disqualification.

Third paragraph: The only joke here seems to be that the Chinese manufacture a lot of things, and I'm having trouble seeing how that's a joke.

Fourth paragraph: This is entirely redundant to the second paragraph. And why are we getting all these quotes from fencers instead of from the water polo team?

Fifth paragraph: Okay, this is a little incoherent. The Chinese official roundhouse-kicks John and knocks him out cold, and then John giggles a lot, and then the Chinese official kicks him in the groin? That doesn't make any sense. Also, personally, I don't find the pidgin English very funny - it seems a little gratuitously racist. But others may disagree.

Sixth paragraph: It concludes the article all right, but doesn't really contain jokes.

Concept: 3 There's a major problem with the concept of this article. The concept of the writing is "Men's Olympic water polo team disqualified for no apparent reason, and people are pissed." That's not a funny concept. The concept of the images seems to be "Men's Olympic water polo team disqualified because they tried to enter horses as players." And that is a pretty funny concept. So why didn't it make it into the article? Are we supposed to infer from the pictures that that's the reason they were disqualified? And if so, why isn't there a single mention of it in the text? Wouldn't the Chinese at least have said something about the Americans' flagrant attempt at cheating?
Prose and formatting: 4 This definitely needs a proofread. There are semicolons where there should be colons; words are pluralized with apostrophes; there are some sentence fragments; and there are just some really unusual turns of phrase, like "Said incrediously by Jim his teammate;". Really, this article needs a total rewrite, but after it's written, be sure to submit it to UN:PS - they'll fix up all that stuff for you.
Images: 6 That's a lot of images for one UnNews - about two to many, I think. But the images are pretty funny - at least, they would be if they matched the text of the article. They need to. I'd change the text, not the images. Let's make this an article about the U.S. trying to enter horses into water polo - that's pretty funny.
Miscellaneous: 4 Kind of an average
Final Score: 20 This article definitely needs work, but it's worth doing that work. Good luck!
Reviewer: Tinymasaru.gifpillow talk 18:21, 22 August 2008 (UTC)
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