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This was the latest project of Imperial Colonization. We would love a detailed review from someone who didn't help write it (a reviewer who's a member of IC is welcome to review, as long as you weren't one of the writers). Thanks. WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 20:00, January 27, 2010 (UTC)
- I'll get to this one in the next 24 hours. --ChiefjusticeDS 23:10, January 28, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||7||OK, I thought the humour was generally pleasing and there were certainly parts of it that made me smile more than others, there are some things that I would recommend that you have a look at before doing anything else with this one. The first thing that struck me about this one was the difficulty I had buying into the world that you have created for the article. What I mean by this is that I had difficulty establishing to myself that what was going on was both feasible and connected in a logical way. The reason for this is that the base idea for the start doesn't really sell the idea to me, it seemed to me that the justification for the article is a bit weak. If you consider the fact that everything that follows relies on this idea to give it a context this is a problem. To expand on this problem I think that the reason for this difficulty arises in that the article's narrative begins with very little explanation of who characters are, one can work this out but it isn't immediately obvious. Were I required to describe the opening narrative style I would probably say that it is like getting into a prestigious university, difficult to get into but enjoyable once you are there; I would describe it this way because once you do get into the article it flows pretty well. My advice on fixing this would be to firstly read through your introduction (meaning the origin and transformer parades sections) carefully and try to identify when the narrative is falling down. I would say sentences like "While transformation was in vogue on Cybertron for a short time (see below), the vast majority of Cybertronians (known colloquially as the Puritanicons) do not change their appearance" obstruct the humour, simply because the way they are written is inaccessible to a casual reader; there are too many made up words and this makes the narrative feel less friendly to people who have never really investigated the Transformers.
The second problem that I noticed was that the links between different parts of the article seem quite tenuous. This first struck me when I read about the transformers being exiled to Earth from their planet only for the second section to start telling me about Transformer parades on the planet the narrative had just left. I hope it is evident how jarring this is to the storyline of the article, the jokes in the parade section are good but the way the article introduces them detracts from their enjoyment. Indeed I felt that as a whole there were a lot of curious linking happening in the article, not just with the sections. The Barrack Obama joke, I got certainly, but I did feel that it just came from nowhere and without much explanation, the narrative touches on it later but in a way that doesn't really explain anything. My recommendation is that a little bit of time is devoted into making sure that the article isn't being totally random. Now there is nothing wrong with being random, but I would say that the article's structure requires that some parts are explained, nothing detracts more from humour than confusion.
Overall my feeling here is that the actual material is good and the jokes are enjoyable and well thought out, what is letting the article down is its context and development, both of which feel a bit rushed, a bit more time spent on these parts will work wonders for the article's humour as a whole, since it will feel far more solid and far more structured with a bit more explanation.
|Concept:||8||I like the concept and I think that it provides grounds for a number of the laughs in the article. One thing I did notice with the tone was that it varies as it goes along, a problem experienced generally by colonization pieces, this isn't as bad as I have seen in the past and the tone is pretty consistent it does vary at times. The most obvious instance is in the image caption of the two cars, since you are writing as though this is an encyclopaedia article opinions should be avoided, even in the captions. If we go deeper than that then I would recommend that someone reads through the article carefully and ensures that it all conforms to the same tone, so it feels like all the sections have been written by one person and not separate people. However, I am being a bit harsh on this one, the issues with tone are nowhere near serious enough to disrupt the article and the tonal differences only prove trying a couple of times throughout. A quick, but careful, check is all that is required here.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||OK, the prose are fine and they are broken up nicely where they should be. The spelling and grammar however is of a lower standard. I'm not going to lecture at length about proofreading, but it should be of a higher standard on a colonization article, get someone to check it through carefully. The problems with grammar in a couple of sections do make things a bit harder to read and take in so do your best to get things sorted. The formatting could do with spreading out a bit more too, especially at the top where things are a bit congested, otherwise I would just recommend spreading the images out so that they don't squash the text into the middle. Sort these minor issues out and the final product will be vastly improved.|
|Images:||7||The images are generally good, the reason you have lost marks on this one is partly down to the formatting problems but also because a couple of the images look a bit scruffy. The Awkward moments image has to be blown up to a reasonable size to be appreciated properly, which does lead to the reader having to leave the article to view it. I would recommend a bigger resolution or a different image here. I also would personally prefer a closer link between the text and a couple of the images as sometimes the links are unclear; the jokes that the images and captions make would be much improved were they linked to the text. The image of the cars nearer the top is improved because it compliments a joke in the text, try to do this with more clarity in some other cases. The importance of your captions should also be remembered and you should ensure that they are exactly as you want them.|
|Miscellaneous:||7||My overall grade of the article.|
|Final Score:||35||The article is ultimately very enjoyable when you get into the narrative flow, this narrative flow is disrupted slightly by a slow start which does mean perseverance is necessary to get the full benefit of the article's humour. There are some excellent examples of good writing here and the only thing keeping the article from doing better are some minor errors across the board, sort those and you will have a very solid article. If you have any questions or comments for me then please direct them to my talk page. Good luck making any changes.|
|Reviewer:||--ChiefjusticeDS 21:06, January 29, 2010 (UTC)|