Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Timmy Turner (Revised)
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188.8.131.52 21:54, June 25, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||5||Hello 184.108.40.206.220.127.116.11...hows it going? I will assume that you are a new person to uncyclopedia. First things first...I would suggest registering your account. It gives you benifits...like having an image here on uncyclopedia...also...when you vote on things it gives you a whole vote...and finally you get taken just a little more seriously. That being said, you dont have to and I dont believe anyone will murder you if you dont get an account. Though if someone does murder you...I am not responsible for that. Okay?
I read through your article and I laughed a little and I chuckled a little because, there is humour running throughout the article and there are cute moments that got a smile out of me. So there you have it...you have a cute article. That being said...there can be a whole lot more...and there are a couple basic reasons why. First...while the article has cute moments...the sum of the article is...a bunch of cute moments, rather than, say, funny moments building up into a connected story, which usually equals really funny and interesting. Second: Again, there are cute moments, and they stay there in that zone of cute rather than funny. ITs sort of...the things I would say when talking about some guy I know in high school or making up absurd stuff about some guy whose like funny and stuff. Thats a step or two out of the zone of...creative and new and somewhat complex.
Now...dont take this as...your article sucks. I doesnt and you should not feel that way about it...it does however need some work to get past the...oh isnt that silly that this guy is a silly guy with lots of silly characteristics that does silly things. It wouldn't take much either to get past that. You just need to ask yourself...why are you even telling us about this guy? Why should the reader care? What is there in particular about him thats worth laughing at? What do you want the reader to leave with when they are finished with the article?
Mostly...it can be the simple case of expanding your jokes. Each sentence is a new joke. And so instead of lighting up a bunch of small firecrackers at once to make a huge bang,...there are only a bunch of small crackers going off every 5 seconds. Cute...but where is the bang. So you need to expand the jokes. Make them drag on for even a couple paragraphs.
Second...you can easily have a secondary theme running throughout the article. Think of any random quality you can add to the guy. How about...he hates being a character drawn up of lines and colours and wants to be more human? How about...he secretly is the devils child but wants to be a good person. This secondary idea can run throughout the whole article...being a long running joke that can have a beginning middle and end...and that could be anything!! Though the best idea would be simply that he never grows old and this makes life impossible for him. You already started with that.
Lets look at simply expanding some of your cute jokes ad we will skip the intro: (Timmy was born...but due to the shows continuity...) Okay...this is already the seed of good humour. Its obvious you have a knack for irony. Why not expand this. First...I would suggest calling the show neutral continuity (unless he should get younger with each successive episode). With the second sentence you can talk about how time never really moves forward for him (even if you never get that directly from the show, i.e. the show explicitly stating that he never gets old). "Timmy never seemed to develop himself as a person...never change...never learn what it was to be good...because...if you placed any day of his life before or after any other day...it didn't seem to change anything". Okay...not funny but you are building up to something more absurd. "Timmy also became curious why...even after years he never seemed to get that magical hair that grew on other peoples middle region...or any of the exciting new realities that came with it". Of course...not all humour has to be sexual or dirty and in fact...if you can make this funny without going down that road...even better but I'm not going to spend an hour coming up with more suggestions. But in any case...see how it doesnt take that much work to extend an idea to more than just a sentence...and it makes it funnier and more complex!?
The rest of the paragraph is that sort of...yeah...this guy does nutty things and destroys the world. Cute...but can you think of something more clever? Would you even need that in this paragraph or can you extend the first idea about negative continuity?
Fairy godparents: The part where you talk about never graduating...can you tie that into negative continuity? Maybe the guy is dumb because time never moves forward and he can never learn. So people are mean to him for being dumb even though its not his fault!!! The fairy god parents stuff could be funny...but since ive never seen the show and you give no examples as to how his wishes come true in the worst way...I can't get the humour. EXPAND!
The next section seems to be about various ways the city keeps getting destroyed. Again,,,since I havent seen the show I don't know if this is actually true or just clever examples of yours. But again...you could expand just one of these and make them more than cute...but really funny. Why not go with the whole negative continuity bit and relate that to the city being destroyed but then...some how the same city again the next day.
Death: Is this the end? This would be a great ending if this was your final paragraph and you maybe wrote one more sentence. Great ending if you go over the article again with the whole negative continuity concept.
You could probably do without the final paragraph. In my humble opinion.
|Concept:||5||As Ive said before...there is a sketch of a concept...but you need it to be clearer in the article and expand your ideas and humour and answer some of the questions I asked in the previous section. I would suggest rewriting things as though negative continuity is the heart of your article ending with a short death section. Expand expand expand!|
|Prose and formatting:||5||Your actual narrative is well written...cant see any big mistakes...except for the whole: having everything divided into one sentence ideas. Expand expand expand!|
|Images:||5||Nothing wrong with the images...except they are just three images taken from on-line and they all look the same and there are no captions. Think about your concepts in the article...his magical powers...never getting old...accidentally destroying things. Try to find images that represent that. Try to photo shop some images or ask an experienced user to to that...funny captions are also really an important part of an article.|
|Miscellaneous:||10||Because this article could easily be hilarious!|
|Final Score:||30||Anyways...as Ive said many times...expand expand expand. That also means spend a lot of time thinking about the concept and individual jokes. I spat out one article in a day...and I have most of my articles sitting around for almost a year now. Time usually equals GREAT! And of course...dont take any of this as BAD trash talk...this is all constructive criticism and I wouldnt have spent all this time writing if I didnt think you could turn this into something even better. Good luck and feel free to ask me any questions if you didnt get anything or want to know more ideas, suggestions or what not. Have fun!|
|Reviewer:||--02:01, June 28, 2011 (UTC)|