Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/There's a black hole in my coffee

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edit There's a black hole in my coffee

Egalitarian Aspie 21:03, March 27, 2011 (UTC)

I got this one. --Tophat headless 17:35, March 29, 2011 (UTC)
Doing it now. --Tophat headless 14:56, March 30, 2011 (UTC)
Humour: 4 Okay, so first of all, I know this isn't finished, so there's not much I can say right now except finish it. But just for pee review sake I'll go through section by section.

Introduction

Okay, so this, like the other sections is really short. And there's not really a lot of humor in here either, except for the links. But what I find is that even though links are a good source of humor, they should be a secondary source of humor. Through out the whole article your main source of humor is the links, and cussing. You need something else. Because 1) No matter how good your links are it will never make your article very good unless you have something else to make your article funny. And 2) Cussing is rarely ever funny. I don't know if you've ever seen that movie "Macgruber", but I did, and I regretted it, too. Because the main source of humor in that movie was cussing. It wasn't funny. Anyway, like I said, nothing that is said in this section is actually funny.

Wow, you like it strong? Huh. Well I guess we all have try new things. Anyway, here ya go.

Okay, so this section has the same as the last. Except I did fin the part about "Holy shit, Maud, that hurts! What the hell is in thi-Oh. it's just a black hole. Nevermind." funny. I found it funny because Lenny got so upset that the coffee was hot, but then when he saw it was a black hole (Something much worse) he didn't care. I feel if there were more moments like this in the article it would be funnier.

Oh my God! I swear, I don't know how it happened. I'm so sorry!

Okay, so this is probably the worst section of all of them (sorry to be so blunt). There is absolutely nothing I can see even trying to be funny in this section except for the fisher price link, which as I've said before, is weak. Maybe instead of Lenny being easy he could investigate who put the black hole in there. More on this in the concept section. Also Lenny screams at the end of this section, but in the next section there's nothing to indicate it hurt, or he's upset. You may want to fix that.

LENNY, WHAT THE FUCK!?! YOUR HEAD!!!

Okay, so this section is the shortest of them all, and you still have the link and cussing humor. But, you do have another way of getting humor in this section, in-jokes. I'm of course referring to the Cabal reference. I find that utilizing in-jokes as part of your humor is never good. Any user who has been here long enough is tired of seeing in-jokes in articles. Also, Lenny says "Oh look, there's the cabal!" but the Cabal doesn't exist, so he couldn't have seen it.

So the big things you need to remember is 1) No matter how good your links are it will never make your article very good unless you have something else to make your article funny. 2) Cussing is rarely ever funny. 3) Finish the article, and make it longer. And if you're stuck, put this: {{stuck}} to the article. Which will add your article to this category. 4) Never watch "Macgruber". And 5) There is no Cabal.

Concept: 4 So really, what is the concept here? It's a man named Lenny goes into a diner late at night, orders a black cup of coffee, which turns out to have a black hole in it. And then his head falls into the fourth dimension. I hate to say it, but that is a really weak concept.

You really need to think about your concept before doing anything else.

Like I said above, maybe you could make it into a kind of who dun-it. Or maybe you could have Lenny die, an them make it a murder mystery. The image you have in there is already black an white, so it works.

Maybe something along the lines of "I walked into Maud's diner, no one but an old man an Maud was there. I could see by the old man's face he had to pee really badly." Okay, so that wasn't very funny, but you get what I'm saying. right? It needs more.

Some articles have multiple concepts to them. Yours might benefit from that.

Prose and formatting: 7 Okay, so I kind of suck a grammar, prose, and spelling my self. But I did notice some things.
  1. Seeing as all the headers are what Maud is saying, they should have quotes on each side. Ya know, these: "
  2. This is more of a style thing but if the headers have quotes around them they should probably be italic. But like I said, that's not a must.
  3. Saying anutha' is neither funny, nor consistent. If Lenny never talks like that the rest of the article why does he there?
  4. I may be wrong, but I think Cabal is a proper noun, so it should be capitalized.

Other than that, I can't see anything else wrong. But you may want to run it through a spell checker, because I might have missed something.

Images: 5 Well, there's only one, so I guess it goes without saying you need more. One f the good things about making your article longer is there's more to illustrate.

However, I do like the one image you do have. Now, I may be a little biased seeing as I did find the image for you, but I still like it.

The one thing I don't like it the caption. There's nothing really wrong with it, and I guess it's kind of funny, but it's also kind of generic. I think you could come up with something better to say there. Maybe something along the lines of "Goddammit Maud." Or if you go for the murder mystery theme it could be something like "He didn't have a chance, that Lenny guy. But I wonder, who has access to a black hole? Maybe Darth Vader..." Neither of those are very good, but I'm just trying to say the caption needs to be better.

Miscellaneous: 4 My overall feel of this article.
Final Score: 24 Okay, so this is a difficult topic, but it needs to be finished before there's much more anyone can say. But I feel with enough work put into it this could be a fun, quirky, nice little article. I don't feel that this will ever be ready to feature, but maybe. We'll see...
Reviewer: --Tophat headless 19:10, March 30, 2011 (UTC)
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