Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/The easter bunny's funeral

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edit The easter bunny's funeral

have fun ShabiDOO 00:34, July 23, 2011 (UTC)

Reviewing Shabidoo's stuff is my new job here! It could take anywhere from a couple of seconds to 3-4 days depending on this meth's quality. I'll post on your TP when over. Snowflake mini Mattsnow 14:20, September 14, 2011 (UTC)
Humour: 6.5 Re-re-re hi! I reviewed some of your stuff in the past, and you may be used to my style of reviewing, so I guess you know the drill soldier! Suggestions will pop up if my neurons spark one.

Overall, I think it is an article that needs to be reworked in this way (in my view): The "Arrangements" and the "News of his death" sections hardly contain any jokes at all, following a good start with the intro and the first section. I also think a great twist in the story occurs when you introduce those various superheroes that are going to the funeral after the 2 wretched paragraphs, so I would suggest to either add jokes to the 2 paragraphs mentioned OR to "make only one with them so you can introduce the superheroes earlier, therefore having more "time to talk about ridiculous stuff they do at the funeral. I mean, the 2 paragraphs I am talking about are well written, but they are almost sad.

I'll go into specific parts of the article, but I won't touch the 2 aforementioned paragraphs much since well, I just gave you my opinion on the matter. Trash them or add jokes, soldier!

Intro

Excerpt: "When the family asked how could Jesus have died if he still exists? They were told "It's disappointing that we don't live in the 19th century". I am pretty sure there is an attempt at a joke in this, but well, it fails a bit. How about reworking this on the same topic or stating that in fact, the Church says Easter is a time where we should all be suffering in unimaginable ways, maybe you could make a parallel with the crazy people that nail themselves to crosses in the Philippines and that's what we should be doing instead of having fun with a bunny. Hey, who would rather eat chocolate if given the opportunity to be crucified? The Burger King thing made me LOL, pretty clever there.

The actual death

I like this one! Poor bloke choked on an egg. But you didn't answer where that damn big egg is from! That's a hole in the story that leaves room for a joke. Maybe he could have mistakingly eaten something else, believing it was a chocolate egg since he din't have his glasses on. Or something. The rest of the section is entertaining!

News of his death

I don't know about you, but I find this one almost depressing. Finely written. But depressing. *Pops an antidepressant*

Arrangements

I know it doesn't really have much to do with humor, but you could scratch the fact that he is 7. That is not really funny. Well, just like the whole section in my humble view. However, whatever you do with these 2 sections, you still need to introduce Button Jr. in a lulzy way.

Funeral

  • Early hours:The beginning is not bad at all, and it is almost a relief when Santa comes in! Ha, the fun resumes! He could give Button a rotating wheel like the gerbils are using. Let him put the fun in a bit! Expand on these ridiculous guests? Superman could come in bursting through a window, Captain Haddock be drunk as fuck and be totally classless in presence of the deceased and forced out. You have some good leads I think.
  • Stream of Guests: The ridiculous guests are funny, you could come up with another twist on "ET is an herbivore". You could say he ate the whole Whoppers anyway since there is no meat in their "beef". It would have the advantage to cut the Snufalupagus guy since I don't know that guy at all, maybe a more common one would be funnier, Captain Crounch or just about anybody. The "whopper with fries" line comes back here for like a third time, I am sure they have some other disgusting crap on the menu that could be funny. The guests could also remember some lulzy incidents of the bunny's life, on the lines of "Do you remember when <insert lulzy event>?" "Oh yeah that was a good one!"
  • The sermon: Maybe you could make it even more solemn, but it is good. The outro is LOL, I just wonder if other users will think it's kinda cliché, but we write fo ourselves, not to please the gallery eh? That's exactly why I'm writing this review... :S
Concept: 7.5 I like the concept, especially when you introduced the other superheroes attending the funeral. Sad thing the poor beast passed away, and you insisted a bit too much on this, almost taking us to the autopsy room, but the concept of a superhero mourning reunion is great and should be developped.
Prose and formatting: 6 Well, there are some typos, I'll correct the ones I see after I finish this. I'm sure there are some left since I am a poore spaillehr.

Intro

In the second sentence, "no service was given in a Church" sounds weird, it would be better with "the service was not celebrated in a Church." Also, this sentence looks better like this: When the family asked: "How could Jesus have died if he still exists?" They were (...)

The actual death

As I have said in other reviews, sometimes overwelming repetitions tend to kill the fun a bit. You use "daddy" 3 times, try to incorporate synonyms. "broke the windows" is used in 2 sentences in a row, why not write "shattered the glass" the second time around? It "flows" better for the reader. I also added some commas on my typo eradicating rampage, but I feel there are still some passages that could use some, and that's an advice for the whole article.

News of his death

Arrangements

Let's leave those 2 alone, since you'll probably rework them.

Funeral

  • Early hours: "big big hug" sounds kinda childish, but I guess it is OK since the situation is suited to it. End of the paragraph: "with something 100 proof." LOLWUT? Something is missing there.
  • Stream of Guests: "ate" is repeated, it would be easy to find a lulzy synonym. Suggestion: "gave the sermon" = "admonished the remembrance speech to a mesmerized audience who still had ketchup dripping from their mouth while mayonnaise started to form a crust on their fur."
  • The sermon: I think that the "life" repetition in this situation sounds pretty good, as there are instances where repetitions are suited. A whole lot of "yets", though. "He passed his time on Earth" could be said better."
Images: 7.5 1-3.I like the first one, it really is great to have a white font and no captions. It looks good.

The others are great too, they could be without the thumb thing so they don't have a "frame" since they all have a white font. Do as you wish. I realize they may be framed because of file size.

4.The last one made me LOL, but not for the intended reasons, I believe. I was like: "WTF is this? Is that supposed to represent something? Do I just fail to see what these damn lines are shaping?" I am curious to know what it's supposed to be as I spent 5 lulzy minutes trying to get it, but I think you can definitely replace that one lol.

There are enough pics I beliee, and formatting is all good, don't forget to add links.

Miscellaneous: 7 I never know what to write here. This section should be removed from Pees in my view. I'll go complain in high instances.
Final Score: 34.5 Overall it will be awesome once some work is put in it! I hope I haven't been too blunt when expressing my opinion on the 2 sections, but I would be surprised if a majority of people didn't feel like me about this. But remember it is my humble opinion, so I can't get sued. The rest is great and there are numerous good ideas you can develop, it is a great concept. You can do it! Go tiger!
Reviewer: Snowflake mini Mattsnow 01:21, September 15, 2011 (UTC)
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