Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/The UNcivil War
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vladimirKruscecev 17:50, July 13, 2011 (UTC)
vladimirKruscecev 17:50, July 13, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||2||Alright, before I begin, I believe you have picked a really hard topic to make funny and that has shown in your article. The humor has extensive cracks in it and I'll attempt to help you fix them up here.
First off I'll say writing an entire article on the "political" side of Uncyclopedia is an odd choice. You are not the first to try this, nor do I think you will be the last. Most of them in the past have failed because they are far too in-jokey to be funny, perhaps this is unavoidable in most cases, but you have that exact line of writing in your article. Unless you make drastic alterations to it, the article don't survive for very long. So I'll go through your article section by section now.
Prelude to War - Ok when I read this section, my first thought was is this possible to make funny. At first I thought no, but I think if you cut the list of just random people, that bear absolutely no relevance to your article you have a good start towards making it funny. As for the rest of this section two things:
Two golden rules. I also think a better prompt for war to break out would be perhaps mass genocide (parody of WWII and slightly more believable!)
Sometime later - Marginal better, again cut out bits that are neither relevant or funny (I'm talking about your reference to Lindsay Lohan.) Stick to what this article is supposed to be about, an imaginary war, not drunk celebrities. This point also needs better explaining and expansion, quite simple add more detail to what you currently have.
War Begins - This section is kind of a mix of amusing and just randomness. The introduction is somewhat questionable as the first two words "That hermaphrodite" make me go what the fuck is going on here? The introduction to this section along with the rest of the article are extremely difficult to follow unless you have a taste for this style of writing (which most folks around here do not).
Now you proceed to tell the rest of this with images, a daring move which appears to pay off to some degree, the first few images look like what a war should look like and therefore are ok to leave the way they are. The image of the crab like creature and sponge bob square pants are very out of lace and should not be there, keep the theme consistent throughout this section.
As for the rest of this section, your use of teh internetz speks & por grmr isn't very good. Proper grammar would follow the proper formalities of war and would create more satire and humor than what you currently have. Again instead of specific character names use army ranks for example that would have the same effect whilst avoiding being injokey.
UN intervention - This somewhat better as it avoids in-jokes and sticks to the subject matter to a good enough extent. Try and make the article of a similar quality to this section and your article will become of a high enough quality to survive. Although slightly flawed in wording (try re-wording it slightly) it is none the less pretty good.
Plan goes wrong,Just like the Emmys - Lack of vanity cruft is good to see, but this is still too random to be funny. Try writting something that could actually go wrong rather than made up garbage. An example would be a surprise enemy attack of something to that efeect, this section needs to be re-done to a large extent!
The Master plan - The Zombiebaron reference must go. Thats all I have to say, give him a name like "The General" or somethin but vanity is not good, try something different that specifics like I said earlier. Also Chuck Norris jokes stopped being funny ages ago. Sorry.
battle at the barriers - Merge this idea with the previous one, once you have the previous once fixed up. That could do well as one big section, or make it a sub-section ewhat ever works with you. But I see no need to seperate them, it ruins the articles flow even more than it already is.
the final battle - Kill this section its basically repeating the previous two. It also has entirely too many Zombiebaron references.
Aftermath - Don't refer to Zombiebaron for god sake! Use some sort of more general term, in fact you could use the admins in general, because they are all evil overlords.
Sorry I had do be so harsh in this section, but it needs a lot of work to get up and running.
|Concept:||2||Your choose of topic was an odd one as a stated before, in-jokey wiki wars are generally frowned upon at Uncyclopedia. Whats made it worse is you havent stuck to the same concept consistantly. As I said before cut out the random parts and it will not only become funnier but it will aos show you can pick a difficult concept and make it worth while to the reader.
Specifically cut out any bits that bare no relevvance to your article, as well as cutting ut any specific references to Users (especially Zombiebaron!)
|Prose and formatting:||0.5||Alright I hve multiple issues with your formatting, luckily its easier to fix up than the humour, so I will outline the issues.
This is the biggest issue that makes your article look ugly, this will make it very attractive, and keep the reader interested.
Center images - Specificall in sections where your telling your story with images, go:
That simple, it would also be good if they were consistant in size.
Proofread - Go back through your article and go and fix up every typo you made, including all those pointless brackets lying all over your article.
|Images:||2||Some images are really good, some are really bad. The one of spongebob is certainly not relevant. Also Id try and look for higher quality and more consistant images to tell the sotry with, but thats just a thought. The main reason you didn't get a high score here is that they are poorly formatted as I stated above.|
|Miscellaneous:||1||My overall rating out of 10|
|Final Score:||7.5||Hope the feedback helps. Sorry I couldn't give you a good score, but don't get discourages, keep trying and get it up and running!|