Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/The Tempest (quick)

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FAQ

edit The Tempest

Mawrxyz 13:53, November 4, 2010 (UTC)

I'll try to review this soonish. Should be done by tomorrow; meantime, cheers. ~ Pointy *shifty eyes* (talk) (stalk) -- 20101111 - 20:32 (UTC)

Concept: 5 Mmm, it's been awhile since I've read this play (never actually watched it, mind) so I may be missing some points. At any rate, I take it you are intending to take over this piece and put it to great heights, eh? Let's see...

At any rate, this idea of the forced vacation is a good one; at least, it amused me. But though it is described as such several times, it doesn't really follow through that well. If it's a forced holiday, why is Miranda trying to run off and do stuff? If he's not a sorcerer at all, where did the storm come from, how did he put her to sleep, etc?

Indeed, that seems to be the main problem here - consistency and general making sense. Unless these are trying to make some jab at illogical happenings inherent to the actual play, it would help immensely for it to at least make sense in terms of itself, and even if they are jokes at the expense of the original, it should still make sense over all. And stick to the idea of it being a forced vacation instead of some sort of exile, unless that is only a one-time joke, in which case it would probably be best to take it out of the introduction, which should introduce the overall piece, not just joke. Whatever the case, however, stick to the overall joke. Bring it up at the start, be consistent throughout and make the piece flow from one part to the next within the bounds of this joke.

Humour: 4 Let's call this the section for humour and general sense, done piecewise.
  • Introduction - To be frank, I'd advise a quoticide, here. None of them seem particularly funny, the Shakespeare one doesn't even fit with the notion that he wrote it while sleepwalking, which I did find funny, your mom jokes are just meh, and the other two were just lost on me. They seem to be specific to the characters themselves, though, and don't actually cover the thing as a whole - quotes, as leads, are meant to draw a reader in. Say something important to the larger whatnot, often, or at very least arouse curiosity, whereas these just induced a reaction of huh?
Now, what is here as the introduction proper is good. Says something about the subject, introduces an angle, and is to the point and witty. I love the notion that it's a forced vacation instead of an exile, like he was sent to a resort or something (like that one TNG episode, actually). Unfortunately, it's just so short - doesn't expand on the angle, says very little about the play itself - expand and lead into the article proper, saying, though indirectly, why it is important and what happens as a result of what was so far mentioned, and you should have a strong introduction, indeed.
  • Characters - Seems to transition rather suddenly to the list here. Maybe it's just because the introduction is so short and non-introductory, and maybe some sort of setting overview would help first or some such... this would be the place to really solidify the setting and basis of the play, as it is. Say how they all got to where they are in the beginning, perhaps, as well as who they are - thus why they are doing what they are when it starts will probably make more sense. Making it clear how they are important (or that they aren't) should also give this section more meaning, unless it's characters that just get drunk all the time, which also works. Can't have a good play without those. Some of their reasoning already is pretty funny, too.
  • Plot Summary - this would probably work a lot better if it were to stick to the ideas previously introduced. The fact that the guy was sent on vacation (or not), the paperwork from which he was tragically separated, how utterly foreboding it all is... also, think what might happen as a result of it being written by a sleepwalker and whatnot... how does that impact the writing of the piece? Honestly, I can't think of anything save for an excuse for how strange and contradictory it gets, but it may be something to consider.
Act I - Why are they going to Jamaica? Why are they all named Alonso, but none of the other ones are, if it's an Italian thing? Maybe a family thing would make more sense? For that matter, it might work better to name all but one Alonso, with some overly elaborate reason as to why that one is not, if that would fit.
Although why are the only listed lines for this act the captain's? This whole section reads completely differently from the rest, which involve actual script... make it fit; the way the others are, introduce, use script, and say what happens.
Act II - I thought he was on vacation? C'mon, don't go back to what actually happened, now...
At any rate, how would she even leave? If she can leave, would he not as well? And an Indie rock band? I mean, okay, silliness can be good, but... eh? The scripting itself, however, is nice - I like the combination of mock elizabethan prose and apathetic modern ideas. Although why, exactly, would this tire him out? And raving about bananas?
If he has no sorceress properties at all and never demonstrates them, how does he put Miranda to sleep?
That Ariel should be an imaginary friend just seems tacked on, though. Why does she have to be a sprite at all, though? Why not something that would normally be hanging around a resort?
Clinging to a toilet, eh? Toilets can be fun items, and you could play on it more being his saviour and whatnot. But either way, why does he want no clothes? What's with that? I didn't even understand what was going on with that until it said he was naked later.
The last sentence makes no sense to me. This may or may not be a bad sign.
Act III - Telling the reader to remember something isn't necessarily the best idea. At any rate, what? The Spanish Inquisition? What has that got to do with it? I am liking the random things they go and do just because they're there... like the cards, the sandcastle, etc.
Okay, overall, this section is pretty funny, the way the Alonsos mix up, the silliness of the plot... well played, that.
Act IV - Why are they all washing up at different times? That just seems a little odd, although if that was what actually happened... well, eh. Doesn't really matter. The plumbers, though... oh, blimey. If anything, this section may be a mite too silly, but only a mite.
Act V - So... if Ariel is an imaginary friend, how does she know what's going on and how could she bring the other folks to him? And where does this new ship come from, especially if he definitely ain't a sorcerer?
Capitalising DIE and having that evil laugh just comes across as cheesy - so far, the thing has been presented as if by someone who just knows the thing, not by anyone who actually cares enough about it to laugh at the folks. It doesn't fit.
  • Criticism - This, as the final section and as a section discussing the thing as a whole, would be a lovely place to discuss the impacts of his sleepwalking and scribbling, or whatever else you decide to bring in in the introduction. Unfortunately, it pretty much just calls it bad. Elvis Mitchell's line makes as little sense as the play itself, which, while ironic, doesn't really do much for whatever point is trying to be made here. In fact, the whole third paragraph doesn't seem to make sense, being redundant and ultimately going nowhere. The bit about Shakespeare being too dead to comment is a nice touch, but... eh. The last paragraph comes off like a rant from an annoyed student, which doesn't fit in the slightest with the rest of it.
You may want to rewrite most of this part so that it actually does fit and support and conclude the article more effectively. Make it explain what's good and bad about it and tie it all together, and whatnot.
Prose and formatting: 3 Aside from the overly short introduction and lack of a decent conclusion, which I already complained about, this article suffers from some major fluency issues - ideas, as well as words, sentences, paragraphs ans sections should all flow from one to the next. Make sure it uses full sentences, too. This is a common issue with collaborations, but once you go over it all and get it flowing, it should be a lot easier to read.

As it is, it's kind of hard, frankly.

Images: 5 This needs more imags; as it is, it is very texty. All sorts of things could work, images from various enactments of the actual play, something of plumbers with turtles (I know, it's a Mario allusion, but it need not look like that, in fact, it could be funnier if it looked decidedly un-Mario-esque if you do keep that), the Alonsos dying off, something of Miranda... just support the text, break up the wordiness more, and make it pretty.

What is here doesn't even entirely fit, though. The first, with the albatross, is a little too obviously something else. The caption ties it in, but the image just doesn't look right so out of place. The second is quite blurry. But when does she dance? Or did I just miss that? Something funny about why she's dancing might help, though. The other two are just so small I didn't even notice them while reading it, but other than that, they seem decent enough. The last even tries to explain how he made the ship, which is good, but it's so tiny.

Miscellaneous: 6 Hmm... I seem to have gone a little overboard with this. Oh well. Have a number. Gut feeling, and stuff. Or something.
Final Score: 23 It's in a bit of a sorry state as it is, but that seems to be pretty typical of old, massively collaborated things. If you tie the thing together, give it cohesion and unify the main points throughout it all, it should become quite nice, methinks. Hopefully what I've suggested here will help; any questions, feel free to ask. At any rate, best of luck to you, and I do hope you'll see this through.
Reviewer: ~ Pointy *shifty eyes* (talk) (stalk) -- 01:03, November 14, 2010 (UTC)
5
Bloink
Concept
The idea, the angle, the grand funny of the article...
Mmm, it's been awhile since I've read this play (never actually watched it, mind) so I may be missing some points. At any rate, I take it you are intending to take over this piece and put it to great heights, eh? Let's see...

At any rate, this idea of the forced vacation is a good one; at least, it amused me. But though it is described as such several times, it doesn't really follow through that well. If it's a forced holiday, why is Miranda trying to run off and do stuff? If he's not a sorcerer at all, where did the storm come from, how did he put her to sleep, etc?

Indeed, that seems to be the main problem here - consistency and general making sense. Unless these are trying to make some jab at illogical happenings inherent to the actual play, it would help immensely for it to at least make sense in terms of itself, and even if they are jokes at the expense of the original, it should still make sense over all. And stick to the idea of it being a forced vacation instead of some sort of exile, unless that is only a one-time joke, in which case it would probably be best to take it out of the introduction, which should introduce the overall piece, not just joke. Whatever the case, however, stick to the overall joke. Bring it up at the start, be consistent throughout and make the piece flow from one part to the next within the bounds of this joke.

4
Bloink
Humour
The implementation, how funny the article comes out...
Let's call this the section for humour and general sense, done piecewise.
  • Introduction - To be frank, I'd advise a quoticide, here. None of them seem particularly funny, the Shakespeare one doesn't even fit with the notion that he wrote it while sleepwalking, which I did find funny, your mom jokes are just meh, and the other two were just lost on me. They seem to be specific to the characters themselves, though, and don't actually cover the thing as a whole - quotes, as leads, are meant to draw a reader in. Say something important to the larger whatnot, often, or at very least arouse curiosity, whereas these just induced a reaction of huh?
Now, what is here as the introduction proper is good. Says something about the subject, introduces an angle, and is to the point and witty. I love the notion that it's a forced vacation instead of an exile, like he was sent to a resort or something (like that one TNG episode, actually). Unfortunately, it's just so short - doesn't expand on the angle, says very little about the play itself - expand and lead into the article proper, saying, though indirectly, why it is important and what happens as a result of what was so far mentioned, and you should have a strong introduction, indeed.
  • Characters - Seems to transition rather suddenly to the list here. Maybe it's just because the introduction is so short and non-introductory, and maybe some sort of setting overview would help first or some such... this would be the place to really solidify the setting and basis of the play, as it is. Say how they all got to where they are in the beginning, perhaps, as well as who they are - thus why they are doing what they are when it starts will probably make more sense. Making it clear how they are important (or that they aren't) should also give this section more meaning, unless it's characters that just get drunk all the time, which also works. Can't have a good play without those. Some of their reasoning already is pretty funny, too.
  • Plot Summary - this would probably work a lot better if it were to stick to the ideas previously introduced. The fact that the guy was sent on vacation (or not), the paperwork from which he was tragically separated, how utterly foreboding it all is... also, think what might happen as a result of it being written by a sleepwalker and whatnot... how does that impact the writing of the piece? Honestly, I can't think of anything save for an excuse for how strange and contradictory it gets, but it may be something to consider.
Act I - Why are they going to Jamaica? Why are they all named Alonso, but none of the other ones are, if it's an Italian thing? Maybe a family thing would make more sense? For that matter, it might work better to name all but one Alonso, with some overly elaborate reason as to why that one is not, if that would fit.
Although why are the only listed lines for this act the captain's? This whole section reads completely differently from the rest, which involve actual script... make it fit; the way the others are, introduce, use script, and say what happens.
Act II - I thought he was on vacation? C'mon, don't go back to what actually happened, now...
At any rate, how would she even leave? If she can leave, would he not as well? And an Indie rock band? I mean, okay, silliness can be good, but... eh? The scripting itself, however, is nice - I like the combination of mock elizabethan prose and apathetic modern ideas. Although why, exactly, would this tire him out? And raving about bananas?
If he has no sorceress properties at all and never demonstrates them, how does he put Miranda to sleep?
That Ariel should be an imaginary friend just seems tacked on, though. Why does she have to be a sprite at all, though? Why not something that would normally be hanging around a resort?
Clinging to a toilet, eh? Toilets can be fun items, and you could play on it more being his saviour and whatnot. But either way, why does he want no clothes? What's with that? I didn't even understand what was going on with that until it said he was naked later.
The last sentence makes no sense to me. This may or may not be a bad sign.
Act III - Telling the reader to remember something isn't necessarily the best idea. At any rate, what? The Spanish Inquisition? What has that got to do with it? I am liking the random things they go and do just because they're there... like the cards, the sandcastle, etc.
Okay, overall, this section is pretty funny, the way the Alonsos mix up, the silliness of the plot... well played, that.
Act IV - Why are they all washing up at different times? That just seems a little odd, although if that was what actually happened... well, eh. Doesn't really matter. The plumbers, though... oh, blimey. If anything, this section may be a mite too silly, but only a mite.
Act V - So... if Ariel is an imaginary friend, how does she know what's going on and how could she bring the other folks to him? And where does this new ship come from, especially if he definitely ain't a sorcerer?
Capitalising DIE and having that evil laugh just comes across as cheesy - so far, the thing has been presented as if by someone who just knows the thing, not by anyone who actually cares enough about it to laugh at the folks. It doesn't fit.
  • Criticism - This, as the final section and as a section discussing the thing as a whole, would be a lovely place to discuss the impacts of his sleepwalking and scribbling, or whatever else you decide to bring in in the introduction. Unfortunately, it pretty much just calls it bad. Elvis Mitchell's line makes as little sense as the play itself, which, while ironic, doesn't really do much for whatever point is trying to be made here. In fact, the whole third paragraph doesn't seem to make sense, being redundant and ultimately going nowhere. The bit about Shakespeare being too dead to comment is a nice touch, but... eh. The last paragraph comes off like a rant from an annoyed student, which doesn't fit in the slightest with the rest of it.
You may want to rewrite most of this part so that it actually does fit and support and conclude the article more effectively. Make it explain what's good and bad about it and tie it all together, and whatnot.
3
Bloink
Prose and formatting
Appearance, flow, overall presentation...
Aside from the overly short introduction and lack of a decent conclusion, which I already complained about, this article suffers from some major fluency issues - ideas, as well as words, sentences, paragraphs ans sections should all flow from one to the next. Make sure it uses full sentences, too. This is a common issue with collaborations, but once you go over it all and get it flowing, it should be a lot easier to read.

As it is, it's kind of hard, frankly.

5
Bloink
Images
The graphics themselves, as well as their humour and relevance...
This needs more imags; as it is, it is very texty. All sorts of things could work, images from various enactments of the actual play, something of plumbers with turtles (I know, it's a Mario allusion, but it need not look like that, in fact, it could be funnier if it looked decidedly un-Mario-esque if you do keep that), the Alonsos dying off, something of Miranda... just support the text, break up the wordiness more, and make it pretty.

What is here doesn't even entirely fit, though. The first, with the albatross, is a little too obviously something else. The caption ties it in, but the image just doesn't look right so out of place. The second is quite blurry. But when does she dance? Or did I just miss that? Something funny about why she's dancing might help, though. The other two are just so small I didn't even notice them while reading it, but other than that, they seem decent enough. The last even tries to explain how he made the ship, which is good, but it's so tiny.

6
Bloink
Miscellaneous
Anything else... or not...
Hmm... I seem to have gone a little overboard with this. Oh well. Have a number. Gut feeling, and stuff. Or something.
23
Bloink
Final score
~ Pointy *shifty eyes* (talk) (stalk) -- 01:03, November 14, 2010 (UTC)
It's in a bit of a sorry state as it is, but that seems to be pretty typical of old, massively collaborated things. If you tie the thing together, give it cohesion and unify the main points throughout it all, it should become quite nice, methinks. Hopefully what I've suggested here will help; any questions, feel free to ask. At any rate, best of luck to you, and I do hope you'll see this through.
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