Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/The Misunderstood (2nd GO)
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Funnybony 19:23, 17 August 2009 (UTC)
|A big mug o' reviewin' strength tea? Why, that must mean this article|
is being reviewed by:
UU - natter
(While you're welcome to review it as well, you might like to consider helping someone else instead).
(Also, if the review hasn't been finished within 24 hours of this tag appearing, feel free to remove it or clout UU athwart the ear'ole).
|Humour:||4.5||OK, when I review an article, first I skim through it, like most new readers would, to see if it hooks me in. It didn't - I was confused and not really drawn in. Here's why:
You throw away your entire concept in the intro, and it's rushed, and confusing - at one point, while skimming, I got the idea you were suggesting Karma was a member of the group. You seem in a hurry to explain your idea, rushing over in a sentence what you could more happily explain in a paragraph - that requires the reader to make leaps of logic that they may well not manage, losing their interest quickly.
So I suggest cutting back the intro, and just using it to set up the idea, and then using the subsequent sections to explore the ways that karma conspired against the group in more depth. This allows your readers to follow the concept more easily, and should make for a more approachable, easy to follow article. There aren't that many great band articles on Uncyc, but have a look at Punk Floyd to see a decent example - notice how the intro is fairly short, and the idea is maintained through the whole article? That's what you're looking for - don't copy the article, but note how it uses its concept.
Now, I suggest you just spend time explaining how each step in the band's career was specifically designed to conspire against the band by karma - how did the creation of John Peel matter? I like the suggestion that the entire British invasion was specifically to fuck up The Misunderstood's chances, but you make so little of this - surely a paragraph or two could be wrung from this idea alone? I also like the little inversions of reality - such as the Yardbirds being the British Minsunderstood - quite nice, when you know what it refers to.
Finally, you have several lists in this article - three, in fact. Not great - Trivia lists are usually a lazy way of adding lines you couldn't be bothered to fit into the article proper, and they rarely if ever work well. If you're attached to any of the lines in the lists, try including them in the article somewhere instead, and ditch the lists - sure, I see you got them from Wikipedia, but you don't need to recreate that article too much - let your own idea blossom instead, don't slavishly follow their format.
You have some good ideas, and a handful of good lines ("war sucks dead dicks" made me snigger more than I'd care to admit), but they get lost because you used your idea up too quick and then fell back on trying to copy the WP article for the rest of the time - stick to your own idea, make that the article, and go for it!
|Concept:||5||Hum, well, it's a band article, which is always a double-edged sword, but possibly even more so in this case. Good band articles are few and far between, because people are too close to the subject matter and either just write about them sucking, or just write about their colossal greatness and how all haters are n00bs. You've avoided that trap at least, but while you do have an angle to the article with the Karma thingy, it's a bit muddied and confused. What you need to do is make things more clear, which I'm hopefully addressing in the other sections.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||I've already mentioned the lists, and the fact that it all feels rushed. There aren't any major typos or anything, but the article feels almost cramped as a result - not helped by the sparsity of the pics. So, as already suggested, let the prose breathe more, cut the lists, add a pic or two, and make it more of a coherent article instead of a jumble.|
|Images:||4||Not many images. One in the infobox, one towards the foot of the page, both lifted from Wikipedia, and the YouTube link, which kind of looks like an image. That's too few for an article of this length, and they don't add much to the article either.|
|Miscellaneous:||4.9||Averaged, as is the way with such things.|
|Final Score:||24.4||On the face of it, that's not a great score, but remember two things. One - perhaps radically, I see 25/50 as being the average, so this is only just below average, which really isn't that bad. And two - seriously, it won't take much to lift this above average, although it'll take more to lift it into the realms of "really good". Add a pic or two (they don't need to be from WP - maybe one of the band with the Black Cloud of Karma hanging heavily over them?), cut the lists, spread your idea about karma having it in for the band to the whole article (maybe explore why karma targeted them), and you'll be well on your way. Don't forget to take another look at HTBFANJS - some of our best writers refer to it regularly while writing, and it really does help.
Read the article back, trying to forget you ever heard of the band - how much of it would you be able to follow easily? And perhaps lose the bridge landing on the band - perhaps have a little more fun with whatshisname (can't remember, not going to look it up) being drafted instead - anti-war hippy at war is a fun idea to play with, as is the band's possible response - did they all try to sign up to avoid splitting the group? Did the idea of that many hippies in Vietnam scare the military brass? How did they react?
I hope this helps - I'd like to see you work some more on this, and hope you'll take some of these tips. I can see this being a tidy little article without too much more effort, so I hope you'll take the time to make that happen. If you have any questions, or want more tips, ask on my talk page. Finally, remember that this is only my opinion, others are available. And good luck!
|Reviewer:||--UU - natter 12:32, Aug 23|