Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/The Men in Blood-Stained Overcoats Who Stay Out of Sight, Waiting For Just the Right Moment

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edit The Men in Blood-Stained Overcoats Who Stay Out of Sight, Waiting For Just the Right Moment

Looking for expansion ideas, and just generally how "funneh" it is. Specifically, I'm hoping it's not too dark or hard for the laughter to emerge. At this point, I'm wondering why everyone is staying clear of this...   Le Cejak <17:14, 07 Aug 2008>


Ok. I should be able to finish this tomorrow. The Woodburninator (woodtalk) (woodstalk) 05:01, 21 August 2008 (UTC)

I just noticed I already 1-starred this. I think it was during my 1-star all your articles after you did my userpage splurge, but regardless, I already made up my mind aparently, so expect scores that reflect this. The Woodburninator (woodtalk) (woodstalk) 13:50, 21 August 2008 (UTC)
Humour: 5.15 I'm guessing you want a full one. Well, lets see what we can do here. Just so you know, 5 is average for me, and it goes from there. If I seem to be bashing the article a bunch, sorry. Its too long of an article to point out the good parts and where it needs work, and you didn't come here to get a pat on the back, so I'll just try to keep it to where it needs work.

Whole article: 4.5 It seems like your article is going for a fear mongering style, if you don't buy our product, these guys will kill you. I see this as being quite similar to Fear Mongering in fact. I'm not sure how you want to go with this. One thing that I think made that one work was that it used fear mongering to scare you, and then didn't try to sell its product till the end, which was a big: "Oh, haha" for the reader. I think why that one worked is because it was about fear mongering, and then at the end it was trying to sell the product. Right now you haven't fleshed out the Men themselves. The narrator and the products are more fleshed out than the subject, and it makes me feel like its missing something. Fleshing out the title characters themselves might help push the scare you into buying product style, and give you a lot more chances throughout the article for some quality dark humor. You could do that, or maybe give some subtle hints as to buying your products is the only way to keep TMIBSO(as your long title, will now be referred) from getting you.

One thing I'm thinking, and this one would be a pretty big change if you go this way(but I feel it would do the most good for the article), is perhaps make the narrator a little sarcastic, and uncaring if you get attacked (also, there are a few places where the narrator is the actual article. It's interesting, but its confusing, and I'm not thinking its working so much. I would scrap that). Like he's writing the article, but he kind of taunts you throughout, and makes it known that it's no skin off his back if you die. Sounds like it could be funny to me.

Another thing I am seeing is that I'm not really getting "scared" by these men. I see that you're a little scared of going too dark with this one, but for the subject matter, it needs to be a little darker. Darker/Harsher language would help some, and I would really try to "scare" the reader. Like the narrator here is a little too cheery. Even when he's talking about what should be scary, its too happy almost. Also, be a little blunter every now and then. In some places it gets a wordy, and being blunt about some things could really get some laughs.

Lastly, its a bit long right now. I would do some trimming. Perhaps whole sections, perhaps just pieces of sections, but your almost beating the dead horse as is. Do some trimming. I'm not sure where (sorry), but its neccessary right now.

And now a quick run through the sections.

Intro: 4- Right now the opening sentence is a little cold. I think using indeed in that sentence, makes me think there should be a sentence before it, some sort of opener. Perhaps detail a moment when one could strike, or say TMIBSO are [Explanation], or something. Its not working right now.

When Is It Safe?!: 4- Pretty much, see the Whole Article section for this. Changing tone would go a long way for making this funny.

The Right Moment: 6.5- There are some good lines here. I really like when you kind of toss out a joke like its nothing here. For instance:"Ha ha ha I'm only kidding slightly." Is great. That slightly is so subtle, but it made me chuckle, and I think goes along with a kind of sarcastic, or maybe cynical narrator that could work. Also, that whole second paragraph works well. I think the subtlety of the ending of that paragraph feels really good for this article. I don't get the Censored joke thing. Seems out of place.

When Should I be Frightened?!: 5- This section doesn't do much for me. There's nothing wrong with it, there are a few ok lines, but it could use some umph(If that word can be understood in type form). I would say use my Whole Article comments for this one.

Credentials for...: 7.5- I love the next Wednesday line, and the "riding whatever animal it is that your afraid of" line. That second line lends itself twards maybe paradying some movie blood-stained trenchcoat men.

Where are they?:5.5- Not too bad, I would again say my Whole article comments work well for this. I like the narrator calling you names. Goes along with giving the narrator a different tone, and if you go that way, get rid of the blaming the computer part.

Who are they?: 3- I'm a little confused by some stuff here. The first paragraph I'm missing something. The men "joined" when you were wetting your bed...did they join the group, did they join others in coming after you? That needs some help. I like the Uncyclopedia Gold line. The last paragraph needs some work. It seems out of place here, and almost feels like a half-hearted attempt to flesh out the character now. I would move the paragraph elsewhere, and look at the Whole Comments section to help it out some.

Big joke: 4 Again, Whole Comments section. There seems to be a theme throughout this review.

What Do I Do?: 6.5- I love the idea of you plugging Gold membership this whole time, and then saying that Platinum is your only real choice. Made me laugh. Would get better score with some changing of the narrator.

Where's your god now?: 8- The narrator takes a turn in this one. I like the mocking of the reader, and the blunt, "Your God is a lie" line. It works, and I want to see more of this.

Other Stuff to buy...: 4- You've really gone into product stuff now, which isn't horrible seeing as the article is nearing an end. Mostly, it the same thing as always. Narrator. I keep mentioning it because I want you to know why the section is getting a meh score, when theres stuff I really like in it.

It's ok to let your guard down: 4- The whole section seems to be building up to that last line, and it does not work. I could see it working in conversation, but written, its not great. Maybe use the tone of voice like:"Ha ha, not really. You're fucking screwed!" Perhaps not that line, but that tone would totally make this section work.

What'd I do...: 5- Decent end. I'm not sure what else to say about it.

One thing to mention, if you do make changes to the narrator (I'm sorry, if I didn't make it clear enough that I think you should) try not to kill the sarcastic/cynical approach. Its probably why you need to make the article a bit shorter.

Concept: 6 It's not a bad idea for an article. It could be executed better, which is holding it back some. I like the subject idea, that you're trying to sell stuff out of this.
Prose and formatting: 6 There are a lot of confusing parts. Read through the article, it could use some going through, just to make sure everything reads ok. Just 3 or 4 spelling errors. goose bumps, tutus, a few others. Nothing major.
Images: 6 The images are fine for this article. The first one is the weakest, but after that they are generally ok (Allthough the guy in the middle with the UCD hoodie looks like my first roommate in college. It's not him, but it does look like him.). Captions aren't bad. Nothing mind blowing here, but it doesn't bring the article down.
Miscellaneous: 5.8 Averaged.
Final Score: 28.95 It may seem a bit low, B-U-T if you just work with the tone of the article/narrator, it will probably jump a lot for me. I can't know how much until after I read a different version, but a good much. I don't think it would be a bad idea to get a second review either before or after you make changes either. I feel like this is such a long article, that I could get caught up on one thing, and miss others. Oh well. I enjoyed reviewing. I'm sure I'll see you around.
Reviewer: The Woodburninator (woodtalk) (woodstalk) 20:59, 21 August 2008 (UTC)
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