Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/The Malik
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AldirTheKnight 23:14, 10 July 2008 (UTC)
|This article is under review by|
Sayeth Gerry: shotgun!!
ugh, i guess i'll give this one a go. it's similar to your other article, and many of the same points apply, and you haven't touched that one in two weeks since its review. nevertheless, this one's clogging up the queue.
|Humour:||1.9||avergage of humor scores
both are basically one sentence. you need a better intro. particularly important would be a description of what the hell a MALIK is, since i could only figure it out based off of you other review. give descriptions of the character, it's video game personality, and why you would possibly want one.
again, this is mostly relevant (i hope) for people who have played the game extensively. basically: include why. why would he fight the characters he does to emerge from the box? is his equipment packed specially? do instructions come with him?
again, i'm not sure what's going on in this section. the both-arms thing seems to be some sort of recurring thing, but i have no idea what it means. this section could probably be dropped.
it's getting repetitive, but i am totally lost for the entire duration of this section. not knowing any of the characters or plot really hurts the reader, and they will quickly stop reading your page. try to draw them in with things they can relate to even if they havent played the game.
this one-liner section needs to be greatly lengthened or incorporated into another section.
this section isn't funny, and i doubt it would be even if i was a fan of the game. try to add some unexpected things in, like keeping the unit clean.
this section wasn't too bad. try to make the rest of your article sound like this. the emo jokes get tired out extremely quickly though. try saying things like 'he can go over 8 seconds without crying' instead of 'he is emo'.
another list of characters that i'm not familiar with, and thus don't find funny. try to stay away from exclusively using game-specific things, and focus more on things like interactions between malik and dogs (normal, everyday things).
an extremely weak ending. expand this into a full section, with tips for general things you might expect from any product.
|Concept:||2.5||1/5 points for a subject that is fairly obscure, and for not giving enough background info on the subject to make the reader understand. 1.5/5 points for execution, which was a decent idea i guess, but poorly brought into the light.|
|Prose and formatting:||2||this article is, in short, annoying. white space sprawls thrugh the top, and the repeated use of MALIK and ALTAIR in all caps every time made me want to bang my head off of my keyboard. you can use the all caps to refer to the product, but also try out the indefinite article 'it'. it works wonders! you use a lot of long sentences, which are techinically ok, but can get tedious and confusing. you never want you reader to have to read a section more than once to comprehend it.|
|Images:||3||you have images, but they really don't contribute to the article. i'm not sure what the first one is, and the other two seem to be some sort of cartoon malik, which doesn't make much sense to be since i would think that 'assassin's creed' would be a violent, and thus mature, game. try opening with an image of malik, so that people only vaguely familiar with who/what it is will recognize it.|
|Final Score:||11.8||my preview button tells me that my/your final score is 11.8, placing this article between 'probably VFD' and 'probably VFD/QVFD'. this article wouldn not survive the mainspace without extensive work. get rid of the annoying caps all through the article, give better background on the characters. treat the whole thing like a malik is some sort of deluxe version of a common appliance (it can clean your room! it can do your dishes! it can bring death swiftly to your enemies!). i have to say, even with all of these improvements, you'll have an extremely hard time getting readers who haven't played the game extensively to read this article. nevertheless, i wish you luck, i invite you to contact me should you need further assistance, and i hope you do in fact try to make this article mainspace-worthy (thus yielding my review not a total waste of time).|
|Reviewer:||19:30, 25 July 2008 (UTC)|