Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/The Life and Times of a Cute Little Puppy
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Well Cajek, I give it a
30 2 for being retarded. I hate the repetitive pictures, I hate the spelling errors, I hate YOU. FU, Kajak. Anyway, this is a rewrite I'm in the process of doing. It has some problems, such as being totally random. It needs some restructuring. • <Apr 17, 2008 [4:59]>
Though The Improver reserved this Pee Review, he/she/it/Abominable Snowman has not yet completed it.
You may claim the review by replacing his/her/its/Abominable Snowman's name with yours.
Hopefully this should stop Cajek's shenanigans. --User:The Improver/sig16:25, Apr 17 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||7||This is hard for me to judge but the humor seems to focus on how harrowing and cute the dog is. Which is good, and you also seem to focused your sub-humor on the dog's cuteness and the orphan itself. Unfortunately all it has going for it is cuteness. I would suggest some third-person commentary about how people are fools for cuteness and why does the dog get any fame, but add a side of cuteness and harrowness to it. Also try to add "some" drama to it, not a lot but a small amount. It should give the article an extra-side of personality.|
|Concept:||8||This is a good concept, devoting your entire article to a cute dog and adding harrowness and cuteness to it, but some of it could use expanding. As such, who his parents were, the loving family, and "The Cute Little Dog's" earlier life before all the harrowness.|
|Prose and formatting:||9||It is perfect. It has a consistent style, perfect spelling and looks like I can get immersed into what's happening around here. No need for improving here.|
|Images:||7||Mostly, you made good with the usage of only 2 images, one of the dog himself and one of the orphan. I liked how you kinda made the dog images smaller by progression and made it fit into the theme. I kinda like the orphan refusing anyone to pet his/her dog. No need for any additional images here.|
|Miscellaneous:||7.8||Averaged via Pee Review Regulations|
|Final Score:||38.8||Overall, this is a good article. Not perfect but good. The only thing it just needs is some depth and backstory. If you add some depth, backstory and some 3rd person commentary, I'm sure that you'll make an article that's even more enjoyable and even VFH wothy. Have any comments for me, you leave them at my talk page. I hope your article reaches the likes of VFH soon.|
|Reviewer:||User:The Improver/sig17:14, Apr 17 2008 (UTC)|
Now Cajek can rest knowing his article has been reviewed. --User:The Improver/sig17:14, Apr 17 2008 (UTC)
- Well since Cajek requested this. I am going to go in-depth on which sections you should improve.
- Introduction: The Introduction of his Troubles & Early life: Trouble Brewing
- I'm suggesting that you merge them together as they don't do anything separately. I'm thinking that this section needs some added depth and emotion. What was his life before his parents died? How happy and cute was it?. Think of those two questions in your mind and them place them into the article.
- Trials and Tribulations: Troubled Times
- This section has promise but it seems to skip directly to that point. Think of the girls life, what were it's high points, what were it's low points, what drastic and horrowing thing did she did. Mostly we want to get a glimpse of the dog's life with the family in the section. Also try to add a transition that brings "The Cute Little Puppy" into the music business. Like his family leaving him behind or something. Be creative.
- Run-ins with the Law: The Introduction of his Troubles
- This section is pretty good on itself. Showing the life of an animal star. You know what I think it needs. Needs some third-person commentary, make the guy complain on how the dog supposedly got famous and how the dog doesn't get any fame but he doesn't. It would give this section an added perspective.
- Troubles: The Time of Troubled Troubles
- Mostly this section has potential with it's beginning but mostly uses the cuteness to end it. What I would suggest is to add some depression and sadness to this part. Not a lot but a little, it should make us sympathize with the dog.
- It's okay but it needs to be more like an end instead of just another park. Try to rework this section so that it's the true end.
- Commercial and Critical Reception: The Troubles Have Begun
- Merge with the beginning, it just seems like it would have more potential in the beginning.
Well those are my opinions on how you should improve the article. You don't have to follow them, they're there just for advice. --User:The Improver/sig22:34, Apr 17 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||7||OK, this is a tough one to score because, as you say, it's a bit odd at present. I think I can see where you're headed with this, but it does feel a bit disjointed. Also, the missus is watching The Matrix right now, which is a little distracting. But still...
At the moment, I'm not feeling enough of a contrast between the expectations we're given byh the title and all the talk of harrowing circumstances, and the reality, which is... not much at present. You spend time setting us up for something bad, but it doesn't materialise - now I think you're trying to make that the point, that harrowing to the puppy is not being pampered to within an inch of his life, but that doesn't really come across at present. A bit more emphasis on what he was undergoing, and why he considers this to be such degradation, would probably help. Ironically, in previous reviews I've suggested you rein yourself in a little, here I'm suggesting you go a bit further!
Also, I like the hot air balloon line, but it feels totally out of place there - a bit like this comment.
In terms of structure, I think you need a brief overview at the start - set it up a little more, mention the puppy becomes a recording star, experiences fame's dizzy highs and life's shattering lows. And manages to do so while still a puppy - no mean feat, given how short that time span is! From there, I don't think the setup you have is too bad, but you need to get a bit more from the ideas you have. The distracted narrator's patronising comments and the "terrible hardships" he ends up enduring.
|Concept:||7||A bit confused at the moment, for me. I like the ideas of the narrator digressing into patronising "talking to puppy" style every so often, and the idea that his life is trouble simply by being less pampered than normal - I think that's where you're trying to go with this, I could be wrong. I certainly think that's a direction worth pursuing, extracting the comedy of differing expectations. I'd suggest you spend a little more time on this - having fun with what a pampered, cute little puppy's idea of "harrowing" is. Going minutes without being petted, having to eat scraps, drinking tap water instead of Perrier, that kind of thing.
Oh, and the "no run ins with the law / actually did have a run in with the law" in adjoining paragraphs - not working for me right now. Perhaps if they were separated by a small paragraph or so, it would help. Or if the first paragraph of the two made it clear that no run ins with the law were mentioned in the book, much to the chagrin of those reading in the hope of a juicy scandal or something?
|Prose and formatting:||8||Fine and dandy in the main. I believe the breed is actually spelled Dachshund, and "squeak" is more correct, but pedantry aside, it's the usual good stuff.|
|Images:||8||I've seen you do this trick before, but I think it works quite well here, and is a good way of getting mileage out of the image without having to track down another pic of a similar dog.|
|Miscellaneous:||7.5||Averaged. It seems to be the done thing.|
|Final Score:||37.5||OK, this has potential. I can see why you liked the idea when you saw it, and I can see you starting to put the ol' Cajek touch on it, but I agree it has a way to go yet. Have a think about creating more of a contrast between the expectations and the actuality - look at Paris bloody Hilton's pooch - what kind of treatment does that get? I'm sure a quick Google for one of those celebrity gossip sites will give you plenty of ammo in that direction! Other than that though, I think this looks decent at the moment, and has the potential to be really good. I would say I hope you get it there, but this is you dude, I'll be disappointed if you don't!|
|Reviewer:||--SirU.U.Esq. VFH | GUN | Natter | Uh oh | Pee 21:46, Apr 18|