Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks

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edit The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks

GiratinaOriginForme |Si Plebius Dato' (Sir) Joe ang Aussie CUN|IC Kill 800px-Flag of the Philippines svg | 07:23, March 28, 2010 (UTC)

Why not. 48 hours --Sir Skinfan13 Talk {< CUN RotM FBotM VFH ΥΣΣ Maj. SK >} 07:33 EST 31 Mar, 2010

Humour: 3 The way I review, I generally put the majority of my comments and suggestions in the humor section. This allows me to be lazy keep all of my thoughts organized. I'll give you my first impressions after one read through and then go in for a more detailed look.

Initial Impressions

Well, not quite sure what I just read there. It's not that it isn't funny (although I wasn't too fond of the unintelligent and random sexual humor), it was just kinda boring. Now, take it with a grain of salt that before reviewing this I had no idea the game existed, so i may be missing out on some inside players jokes here, but I think this illustrates a good point. Even if it is funnier to people who've played the game, you need to throw in tidbits for guys like me who haven't got a first clue what the game's actually about. Overall, I felt like this was fairly forgettable.

More Detail

The Oscar Wilde quote... wasn't very funny. Typically Oscar Wilde quotes don't make me laugh much any more. I think it's a joke that has become way too abused here on Uncyc, so unless it's an extremely clever quote, I generally look down upon them. Needless to say, you should get rid of the Wilde quote. The first quote is ok though. Now onto the rest of the introduction. I like your literal translation of the Japanese name for the game. The last sentence/paragraph of your introduction is puzzling. It's a severe run-on sentence and it doesn't make much sense. I feel that there could be a funny joke buried in there (the Nintendo North America conference being held in Germany) but the delivery is so pell-mell that the entire meaning of the joke is lost.

Plot: ugh, this was painful to read through. There was very little of redeeming value in this section to me. This felt very much like it could have been copied and pasted from wikipedia with random crude one-liners thrown in between lines. What really hurts this isn't the crude stuff; there are certainly ways to be crude and funny. The randomness and awkward palcement of the crudeness is what really makes this a chore to read. What you need to do with this section is figure out a timeline of events your going to cover and rewrite this so it flows better: there is no real flow to the section. It reads much like I feel falling down a jagged cliff would feel like, as opposed to rolling down a grass hill as a child. Find a way to make the words fit together smoother. Also, less random crudity and more focused satire/crude humor is also a must if you are going to make this work.

Gameplay: Now, here's what I thought had promise within this mess, the realms bit (although you state there are 'four' but you list six). This is fairly funny, but again, its thrown in so carelessly and without context that the joke looses its impact. Along these lines, this section is very much like the plot section: very choppy, random crudity, and fairly boring. This again has the feel of perhaps a 14 year old who just found out the meaning of the word sex vandalizing the wikipedia page on this subject. The humor here needs to be more focused and revolved around text that is smooth and more enjoyable to read.

Multiplayer: short, and mostly dumb. I did get a slight chuckle out of your metaphor "illegitimate twin of the aborted fetus known as Four Swords DS." This reads a lot more smoothly than any of your other similar jokes, which makes this funny, as opposed to flipping the screen around drawing penises while jacking link off. That's just dumb.

Reception: short, and stupid. I really thought that the second half about Japanese immigrants was especially dumb.

OK, so here's what I think you need to do in order to make this a whole bunch funnier:

  • drop the endless similar penis jokes. They simply aren't funny, they're predictable and immature.
  • edit this to make it read a lot smoother, have sentences flow into one another better, have them relate the whats going on so tat a rough chronology forms instead of the loose almost listing of events you have under plot.
  • Have a running gag. I have noticed that most pages on here that I enjoy tend to have running gags on which the other jokes are built off of. This article, besides the word 'penis' does not have a running gag. Come up with something slightly more intelligent than penises or rape; maybe use criticism of the train (which you slightly hint at) as your running gag. Train puns, who knows, anything but middle school penis humor.
Concept: 5 dead middle average. Good idea (video game article), bad execution. Like I just touched on in humor, there doesn't seem to be a unifying gag throughout the article, the only angle it seems to take is that for no reason the game is abnormally perverse for a Legend of Zelda Game. There also seems to be no point of view that this article is written from: it feels more like a vandalized wikipedia article than a piece of comedy. Finding a narrative tone, whether it be encyclopedic satire or just straightforward crude humor, is going to be rather important in making this much more readable.

Perhaps adding a section about the development of the game and/or the developers themselves would be a good way to add more material to this page.

Prose and formatting: 3 Oh my! spelling and grammar errors galore! I would highly recommend doing some thorough proof-reading, or getting someone else to do this for you; there are numerous spelling and grammar errors that really just detract from your article even more so than the actual article does on its own. The introduction, for some reason (I think its the quotes and italicized font in the text) seems visually cluttered. I would find a way to make this more pleasant on the eye. one way is to get rid of one of the quotes at the top of the page. Another would be to find a way to combine the two 'paragraphs' into a single one. I know that's generally the opposite of what reviewers tend to suggest, but it will go a long way towards making this easier on the eyes.

Secondly, your redlinks could be easily fixed to read the way you want them to and have them link to the concept you want, and I'm pretty sure you know this. I hate the look of redlinks in articles (that's what Requested Pages is for).

The table at the beginning of the page is ok I suppose, but looks kind of crude. Is there an existing template that could be used to make the page look nicer? Is there a template you or someone else could possibly make to replace it? Now I will be the first to point out what a hypocrite I am since I use the same template on Dethklok, but someday I hope to change that. Hopefully you can too, a nice template can go a long way to making an article look really good.

Images: 4 Adequate number of images considering the short length of your article. They're pretty standard though.
  • First Image: makes sense for use as the first image of this article, especially since it's in the infobox. I actually think the caption is fairly clever considering the game was literally built off the game engine of the Phantom Hourglass and it is a sequel to said game. This is the kind of coherent stuff you should stick to mostly in the article I think.
  • Second Image: not sure what's going on here. I can tell it's a screen caption, but the details are too small to reveal anything upon a quick glance. The image itself though offers no real comedic value. In this situations you need to fully rely on the image caption in order to make the image funny. You don't really do this at all, instead you opt for some strange random self-dialogue quote. I would suggest scrapping this image altogether. Find a different image, one that has some implicit comedic value, and come up with a witty caption, much like the first image.
Miscellaneous: 2 my level of enjoyment from reading this article.
Final Score: 17 This is a mess. A well-intentioned mess, but a mess none-the-less. What really hurts this is the juvenile penis humor, the numerous grammar and spelling mistakes, and the general lack of cohesion throughout. This article needs a lot of work before it can even consider VFH imo. If you have any comments or questions, please feel free to drop me a line.
Reviewer: -- Skinfan13 00:25 EST 1 April, 2010
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