Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/The Last Pepsi
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talk page me when you've done. If you feel really generous, review my other articles too. :3 SadisticWolf 17:46, May 17, 2010 (UTC)
- I'll do it. It's either this or study for finals, and I sure don't want to be studying for my finals.--Sirrah Catsh
irE Chess the Striker2117 18:20, May 17, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||5||Your humour isn't bad, and there are some great parts in this article; however the article seems a bit short and some of the jokes seem to lose their humour in the phrasing of your article (which I'll cover more below in the Content and Prose sections). The constant torture of the Pepsi as the narrator tries to find something else to distract him could be very nice if you expand the article to cover more of his day (You tried to take a nice refreshing walk outside but even the dogs started to turn into Pepsi symbols.) The reference to the Nigerian Prince scheme also was fairly funny, but I think that it's a tad too much out in the open (whatever that means) and needs to be drawn back a bit (also, if you expand your article a bit more, it'll help to solve this problem.) The Pepsi effect that you mention at the end could be very interesting and funny if you attempt to explain it a bit more in-depth (perhaps make an entire section devoted to it that's more than 3 sentences). I'd also suggest that you remove that tag line at the end for at least right now, although if you can find a good spot to fit it in when rewriting (or possibly make it a caption for one of the picture's that you should add).
I like your humour that's already in this, and think that it just needs some refining; and I hope you'll consider adding some more good stuff in there and expanding the article to make it really good.
|Concept:||6||I really, really like the concept behind this, as I think that most people know what it feels like to see the last one of something and not want to take it because of others. The sort of second-person thing you did with saying “you” all the time is interesting as most people outside of HowTo articles don't use it, but if you clean up the article enough I don't think you'll catch too much flak for it (at least not after the great controversy dies down). Your biggest problem currently is that the article is rather short and need to be expanded. As I stated above, doing some bits about the person trying to resist the Pepsi by doing other activities and still hearing it's siren call, might be a good idea; or if you can come up with anything you think might be really funny to help lengthen the article put that in there instead. In general, you want to find some more stuff to help beef your article up and make it a bit longer.|
|Prose and formatting:||4||You're writing style is oddly elegant (in it's own way) in the wording and yet kind of choppy with the sentences. I'll list some improvements section by section
The way you have it, “The Last Pepsi. The final...” kind of makes me think of a movie advertisement, which I think would be cool, but currently it's not written to fully bring out that effect. If that's what you want to go for, then I suggest you have 2-3 very short sentences that are clearly separate (and possibly on separate lines) so that it's “The last Pepsi. The final container. The siren-like call from the kitchen.” If you don't want to go with that style, then I suggest you either remove “The last Pepsi.” fragmented sentence from the beginning, or find a way to incorporate it into a longer sentence. After “ultimate decision” I would put a colon to lead into the next little question about whether or not to drink the Pepsi.
That next little paragraph I would suggest making it's own section with it's own header and expanding, because otherwise the beginning part before any headers is going to be kinda long. When you say “there are two sides to this” make it something like “there are two sides to this dilemma” or something, so it's a bit clearer.
After you expand this section (if you plan to do so) call on either the proofreading service (who I'll insert here when I remember the link) or someone else to look over it and edit out the typos and weird grammatical things (and this is probably going to apply to the rest of the sections too). Don't worry though, when I write my articles they always have really bad typos and grammatical errors that I miss because I don't see them until they are pointed out.
The Pepsi is asking you to drink it
Here my main concern is the 4 sentence break you take to explain the scream. I want to like it, but it's just a little too long for it's purpose. Try to shorten it down to something that is just a quick, funny side note so it doesn't interrupt the reading so much; but keep along the lines of the same material. Really, that's the biggest problem here because about half the section is spent on that. Once again, expand the article (I know it seems kind of contradictory to tell you to chop that down and expand the rest, but I mean expand the part actually about the Pepsi) and chop down the tangential stuff just a bit.
The Pepsi wants to seduce your taste buds
All I can say besides EXPAND is that in the phrase “you're gonna drink that Pepsi - at least that's what you keep “ I think you should get rid of the “-” and then change the next sentence into something like “Despite all the times you think this...” and go on from there.
The Pepsi Effect
That first sentence doesn't work too well as it is because of how the headers split the thought-train from the last section. So you're going to need a lead in to it, or move it up to the previous sections as a sort of lead in into the “Pepsi Effect” section. Also, that next sentence doesn't ever close the parenthesis in it, but you're going to need to expand it so worry about that later. As I said above, thee last line would work very nicely as a caption for your final picture if you choose to insert one, but it doesn't work very well in the article.
Add some more stuff too it and keep it mostly on topic (a bit of short tangential humour is nice, but long off-topic rants confuse us poor readers).
|Images:||0||There are none (which you really need for most articles on this wiki). You don't need to put in anything really special, just find some stuff on Google and make some really good captions for it. As I've mentioned at least three times in this review, that last line would be perfect for a caption on your last picture.|
|Final Score:||18.75||I really think you have a great idea here and I urge you to add to this page because I think that it could be really funny. Don't be discouraged by the low score (I mean, Images were like 1/5 of that) because it seems like you have a really wonderful skeleton of an article here with plenty of potential, it just needs more content. If you have any questions, feel free to rant on my talk page.|