Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/The House of Mouse (revised, again)

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edit The House of Mouse

I need yet another review. I'm done some tweaks and added images. Thanks Rbpolsen Come Rant · Come Look at all My Crap 05:30, September 12, 2009 (UTC)

I'll check out your mouse house. WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 00:21, October 3, 2009 (UTC)
Humour: 5 Introduction I like to introduce myself so you know who I am and how unqualified I am. I'm new here, but was just named Noob of the Month and got a Golden Shower Award for one of my Pee Reviews from a Reviewer of the Month. But I knew nothing about Disney's House of Mouse until after I read this Uncyclopedia article (after that I took a peek at what that unreliable Wikipedia said). I have a basic idea of the Maus graphic novel, and really hate to admit I haven't yet read the Pulitizer Prize winner. (Please don't tell the cats). Enough about me.

I'm going to put most if not all of my comments on Prose and Formatting section in this section as well so I don't end up repeating the same material, but have scored humour separately.

I think there's an interesting concept here, turning the wholesome Mickey Mouse-run night club into the corrupt Maus-run nightclub (yes, I should put that in the concept section). And the descriptions are detailed and often colorful. But unfortunately, I often got lost in the details, which were sometimes confusing. For example, is Castaway Cay an island, a business, a country? Unfortunately, humor works when the punch line is very obvious--there's a classic saying that a joke that has to be explained isn't funny. Honestly, the score of 5 is a bit higher than I felt the article warrants as is, but probably quite a bit lower than the level of humor that's buried here. For me or another reader to see and understand the humor immediately, I would suggest explaining things more clearly, and perhaps even getting a clearer idea in your own mind.

Some of my suggestions will seem nitpicky--a minor misspelling or miscapitalization. I'm providing these because as a writer I've found when others have told me about my goofs it's a great help in editing.

My paragraphs below are in the same order paragraphs appear in the article, although I might skip some of the article's paragraphs.

  • The quotes at the top: it seems like almost every Uncyclopedia article has quotes at the top, but almost every featured article does not. Personally, I would cut the quotes.
  • "The House of Mouse...." You tie this article in with another one (Castaway Cay), which is nice. I would cut the sentence "It is located....under the authorites' noses" into two sentences. You call the place a "sleazy establishment," but later on it sounds high class. You might want to make this consistent.

History

  • "In the late 60's on Castaway, the island was abuzz with talk of revolution" I had to reread to get the meaning. Do you mean, "In the late 60s, Castaway Island, or Castaway Cay? If it's the name of country, you might want to stick with Castaway Cay. And if it was "abuzz with talk of revolution" in the 1960s, why did they wait until 1978 to revolt? '"After a few years," Said (should be "said") Maus....' "I saw the faces of men... terrified faces, angry faces... Disney was treating its workers with disrespect, and Disney was going to pay."--I really liked this part.
  • "I felt so scared, because I knew that I was the ringleader."--if Maus was president, that wouldn't be considered a ringleader. "In 1978, the workers of Castaway actively attacked (I'd cut "actively") the Disney Federation and Maus."
  • "Maus escaped the island with only his life intact and retreated to the Hundred-Acre Woods to rethink it."--it's not clear what he's rethinking. It's also not clear to me if he was a political president, a ringleader, or something else, and I'm sure I understand if Castaway Cay or Castaway is an island nation or a business. If it's a nation, how does The Disney Company get away with running it? The focus here is a little unclear. "He saw mafia (should be Mafia) men "big bucks to be made, entertaining, aiding and arousing underground-trade high-rollers. Such a task would be lucrative to success in both status and bond-building".--this quote sounds mixed, with the very informal "big bucks" and the very formal "both status and bond-building." You might want to choose a definite style for Maus' speech. What or who does he sound like? "The House of Mouse slowly became known as the de-facto venue for high-rollers and mafia-men."--I like your wording here.
  • ...offering a buffet of deal-sealing luxuries and services."--nice. "...reputation for being a thrifty businessman, ready for anything, fast acting and always ready to compromise."--to me, "thrifty" doesn't seem to fit here. Also sometimes it's "the House of Mouse" and sometimes "The House of Mouse (The capitalized)". You might want to make it consistent.

Significance

  • "Maus has said, regarding the club, that, "The House of Mouse strives to be a cultural center for all activities...and we mean all activities."--I like this, although you really don't need "regarding the club". "It is regarded by many...."--as this contrasts with the critics, you might want to say "But it is regarded...." and also let us know who these many are--citizens, sociologists, Mafiosos? "it is the city center, more so than the Civic Center, City Hall or YMCA. Perhaps more so than any other establishment on the face of the Earth!"--no place outside the city could be the city center. And is the Hundred-Acre Woods a city or just a "city of vice?" The part about the Mad Hatter didn't add to this, in my opinion. And if the Genie is so rich, why did it take him weeks to make bond? I think I would like it better without the Mad Hatter and Genie parts, unless you redo them.

Use in the Mousepact Meetings

  • Other than a few things which I'll mention, I like this section where they could be "manipulating the global economy and military-industrial complex for the long-term benefit of international crime." Pu--is this Winnie the Pooh? It's not said. "and half-arab half-cuban" Cuban should be capitalized (and the country is called Castaway not Castaway Cay--or is it sstill a country?) "...what actually takes place at the meetings is well beyond the knowledge of almost all researchers."--who are the researchers it's not beyond, and what do they report? "emergency speed elevator (should be elevators)...." "...55 gallons of honey, 60 gallons of hunny...."--nice Winnie the Pooh reference."
  • ...Pooh's Operation Black Raincloud...."--what is this?

Controversy

  • "...a somewhat controversial status...."--I think "somewhat" weakens this. Also when it's commonly believed a center for international crime, what type of good reputation does it have that's been weakened by controversy?
  • I like Maus feeling comfortable having his grandmother or even Ggrandchildren walk right in.
  • "Fox News Reporter Tom Banks visited the House of Mouse in 2001"--in this section he disappears, but no one else seems to follow up the investigation. Why? I like you using Black Pete, as from Wikipedia he was apparently a regular on Disney's programs. I'd like it if you included more regulars--what are Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, Goofy, Pluto and the rest doing there?
  • "Another controversy...." this follows a reporter being beaten and disappearing, which sounds like more than a controversy.
  • "Louie quit his job not long after the scandal occurred...."--which scandal?

I enjoyed your descriptive writing, but I think clearing the article up would bring out the humor and your writing better.

Concept: 7 Again, I like your concept of turning the Disney House of Mouse into a house of international crime. If you made your concept clearer (city-country-or business? etc.) I would rate this even higher.
Prose and formatting: 5 (See Humour section for details) This is a mixed score--the best parts I would give an 8 or higher, but the rest unfortunately brings this down. I think if you communicate a very clear concept of precisely what you're going for here, this score could be much higher than 5.
Images: 7 I liked the 2007 House of Mouse, and Mouse (do you mean Maus?) rallying support in 1961, but suggest cutting the "Notice the very low quality of the film. Experts believe the film used for this photo was almost certainly Soviet in origin." part from the description. "This man knows how Mousepact works... kinda."--I think this photo and caption will only be funny to someone who knows this man very well and has strong feelings about him. In the "dancer "baloo" photo the name should be capitalized. "Then-gay-erotic dancer" implies this person is now something else, but doesn't say what--I don't think this part adds to the picture, and I wouldn't use both "is sometimes" and "by some"--maybe one, but not both as I think it weakens the description. "Photo with the caption "Bartender Chuck Lewie Shortly several weeks before quitting" although either "shortly" or "several weeks" should go. Also this images of Lewie isn't consistent with the image above it--you might want to explain this.
Miscellaneous: 6 Average of above.
Final Score: 30 Again, I think there's the seed of a very good article here. It just needs some weeding, trimmng and other gardening terms. If you edit this, please post a note on my talk page.
Reviewer: WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 05:00, October 3, 2009 (UTC)
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