Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/The House of Mouse (revised, again)
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|Humour:||5||Introduction I like to introduce myself so you know who I am and how unqualified I am. I'm new here, but was just named Noob of the Month and got a Golden Shower Award for one of my Pee Reviews from a Reviewer of the Month. But I knew nothing about Disney's House of Mouse until after I read this Uncyclopedia article (after that I took a peek at what that unreliable Wikipedia said). I have a basic idea of the Maus graphic novel, and really hate to admit I haven't yet read the Pulitizer Prize winner. (Please don't tell the cats). Enough about me.
I'm going to put most if not all of my comments on Prose and Formatting section in this section as well so I don't end up repeating the same material, but have scored humour separately.
I think there's an interesting concept here, turning the wholesome Mickey Mouse-run night club into the corrupt Maus-run nightclub (yes, I should put that in the concept section). And the descriptions are detailed and often colorful. But unfortunately, I often got lost in the details, which were sometimes confusing. For example, is Castaway Cay an island, a business, a country? Unfortunately, humor works when the punch line is very obvious--there's a classic saying that a joke that has to be explained isn't funny. Honestly, the score of 5 is a bit higher than I felt the article warrants as is, but probably quite a bit lower than the level of humor that's buried here. For me or another reader to see and understand the humor immediately, I would suggest explaining things more clearly, and perhaps even getting a clearer idea in your own mind.
Some of my suggestions will seem nitpicky--a minor misspelling or miscapitalization. I'm providing these because as a writer I've found when others have told me about my goofs it's a great help in editing.
My paragraphs below are in the same order paragraphs appear in the article, although I might skip some of the article's paragraphs.
Use in the Mousepact Meetings
I enjoyed your descriptive writing, but I think clearing the article up would bring out the humor and your writing better.
|Concept:||7||Again, I like your concept of turning the Disney House of Mouse into a house of international crime. If you made your concept clearer (city-country-or business? etc.) I would rate this even higher.|
|Prose and formatting:||5||(See Humour section for details) This is a mixed score--the best parts I would give an 8 or higher, but the rest unfortunately brings this down. I think if you communicate a very clear concept of precisely what you're going for here, this score could be much higher than 5.|
|Images:||7||I liked the 2007 House of Mouse, and Mouse (do you mean Maus?) rallying support in 1961, but suggest cutting the "Notice the very low quality of the film. Experts believe the film used for this photo was almost certainly Soviet in origin." part from the description. "This man knows how Mousepact works... kinda."--I think this photo and caption will only be funny to someone who knows this man very well and has strong feelings about him. In the "dancer "baloo" photo the name should be capitalized. "Then-gay-erotic dancer" implies this person is now something else, but doesn't say what--I don't think this part adds to the picture, and I wouldn't use both "is sometimes" and "by some"--maybe one, but not both as I think it weakens the description. "Photo with the caption "Bartender Chuck Lewie Shortly several weeks before quitting" although either "shortly" or "several weeks" should go. Also this images of Lewie isn't consistent with the image above it--you might want to explain this.|
|Miscellaneous:||6||Average of above.|
|Final Score:||30||Again, I think there's the seed of a very good article here. It just needs some weeding, trimmng and other gardening terms. If you edit this, please post a note on my talk page.|
|Reviewer:||WHY???PuppyOnTheRadio 05:00, October 3, 2009 (UTC)|