Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/The Fourth Stooge
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Written in just over a half hour. Very basic knowledge of Iggy Pop required, and a keen eye for Catch-22 references also halps.
17:31, June 28, 2010 (UTC)
This one's mine. 24 hours--If you're 555 then I'm Talk What's it like to be a heretic? 10:23, June 30, 2010 (UTC)
- What does it mean when it takes 72 times the time to pee review something than it does to write it? -- 01:01, July 3, 2010 (UTC)
|Humour:||7||The way I review, I generally put the majority of my comments and suggestions in the humor section. This allows me to |
Pretty clever for a 30 minute write. I admit, I had to wikipedia Iggy Pop for a few of the references, but overall I thought it was a clever play on the fact that he was in a band called The Stooges. There were parts of this that worked really well, but there were parts that also kind of fell a little flat, sometimes due to wording or word order, other times just because the joke was a little dumb, but overall, I feel like this is a promising article, especially if you spend a little more than 30 minutes on it.
Section by Section
First thing I noticed were the tenses in the article. Lots of present tense for a subject involving the 1970's and the early to mid 1900's. The way you've written the first two sentences implies that the Stooges are still influential and still performing. But then you switch to past tense. You need to make the beginning of the introduction a little more obviously past tense. Also, the year 1969 is a little confusing, since that's the basically the final year that the Three Stooges performed.
I really like the recurring joke you set up here, the "This isn't their narrative" lines.
I like your reference #1, but I think what would be even funnier in terms of the joke (common knowledge) would be a citation needed tag. I feel that the joke would be more obvious and slightly more humorous, but that is solely my opinion and it works well as is. Great use of descriptive language here; "About twenty seven years passed and no communication passed between the Thunderous Three and the Onerous One," well except for the the underlined. You might want to find a synonym so it reads better.
Some ideas for expanding: I think building on the idea established that they were born on the same night, and thus destined to lead entwining lives, should be expanded upon a little more. You do this by having them brush shoulders and argue at hot dog stands, but perhaps more examples, some specific, of them crossing paths without realizing it would be an entertaining addition/angle to take.
"Iggy made his way to the west coast to pursue his dreams of being a musician in pursuit of his dreams." This is an example of what I was talking about earlier. This is a joke that may have been funny as you wrote it, but it doesn't come across very well. I didn't understand what you were trying to say here at first and I thought maybe it was a long repeat-typo, but a second read of the sentence made the joke clearer. Anything the requires reading twice isn't a very good joke (but then again I just might be retarded, get a second opinion on this one).
"by punching Curly square in the nose, which flooded Moe with so much joy that he turned around and punched Larry square in the nose..." Maybe changing that to 'face' would make the flow better. Synonyms are a writer's friend.
A problem at this point is that you have Iggy being the manager of the Three Stooges. As far as I know, that would never be considered an actual part of the comedy group. In addition to this, I feel that Iggy wasn't included in the stooges long enough. I agree, he shouldn't be included for long in their history, but a mention of him being incorporated in possibly a long lost animated short might be a good idea. Either way, a little filler about his time as a stooge may be a good and humorous addition.
The Four Stooges Get Pursued By A Copyright Infringement
(might want to tag the word suit onto the end of that section title, or maybe reword it)
Normally I don't like self-referential humor, but you nailed it here, its pretty funny.
Not to sound extremely homo, but I'm kind of curious as to how David Bowie planned on helping Iggy get back into the stooges. lol
but at any rate, I think the ending is fitting in its own way.
Final Humor Comments
Overall a fairly funny article. It seems a bit short, but then again you've admitted to spending only 30 minutes on writing it. i think if you spend a little more time on expanding this and changing a few things around, this could turn out to be a really quirky and interesting article. Maybe even accessible to the average Uncyclopedia Reader.
|Concept:||7.5||Fairly good concept, the running joke of the article might be hard for some users to understand without a little bit of direction (perhaps a link to the Iggy Pop wikipedia page? if they read the first two sentences there they will get the premise of your article), but all in all its clever and fun.
I especially like your recurring joke about 'This isn't their story...' One thing though, about that, I think that a little bit of variation in these lines would make the joke funnier. You do this in two places, the reference to the mummy, and specifically 'this man was the fourth stooge." This is the sort of variation I'm talking about. It makes everything less repetitive, and therefore, more interesting. It can also edify the humor of the preceding paragraphs by reflecting the 'plot.'
As I mentioned before, getting rid of the 'manager' bit and inserting Iggy as a full part of the act goes along better with your premise. Also expanding this just a bit by describing his short stint with the stooges (why he deserves an encyclopedia page in the first place) is a good way to keep the readers invested. I was kind of wondering as I finished reading the article exactly why Iggy would have been considered a "fourth stooge" given the circumstances described in your article: he was a manager briefly and didn't star with them in anything meaningful. Here's my specific suggestion (which you are completely entitled to and probably will ignore): describe a lost episode or scene in a movie they did that featured him. Describe it. Then have a story about the Beatles watching it and getting really pissed off. As a result of the lawsuit, Iggy is thrown out and the episode and/or scene is thrown out of subsequent printings, thus why it is 'lost.' Again, just a suggestion.
|Prose and formatting:||8||Fairly good overall. Excellent spelling, I didn't notice any mistakes while reading. There were one or two syntax related grammar problems I encountered on my second read-through, but nothing serious. I don't even remember what they are so don't stress over it.
The one thing, as I mentioned before, is that I would encourage you to make good use of a thesaurus. Like I said, synonyms will elevate your writing and make it flow better. Nothing peeves me more when reading than having the same word used within a sentence of itself. Just a personal irritation, nothing personal meant. Still though, I think changing your wording up a bit will make the article read better in places, mostly in the areas I pointed out. MS word has a wonderful built in thesaurus that you can use by simply right-clicking the word you want to change.
|Images:||6||3 images is about right for the length of this particular article. Depending on the amount of expansion you might possibly decide to do, you may have to find another image. The first two images are fairly uninteresting, though the second one is better than the opening image. The 3rd one is great though. As for the captions, I like the recurring joke you have about 'sneering.'|
|Miscellaneous:||7||My level of enjoyment from reading the article, on a scale of 0 being not at all, 5 being average and 10 being jizz-in-my-pants.|
|Final Score:||35.5||All in all a fairly good start. I would encourage you to expand your idea though. Bulleted summary of suggestions:
If you have any comments, gripes, threats, etc. I encourage you to drop me a line.
|Reviewer:||-- GUN WotM RotM FBotM VFH SK Maj. ΥΣΣ 04:45 EST 4 July, 2010|
Thanks for the feedback, but Iggy is staying the manager. This is an allusion to Brian Epstein being the most prominently known "fifth Beatle," but I guess to make this reference more visible I could include a part about some other "stooge" being a "session humorist" or something. Maybe he can even be Billy Preston.
In my hurry to write the article, some words did end up unnecessarily repeating and some tenses naturally ended up conflicting, but (in case you couldn't tell with the recurring paragraph finishers) repetition in certain places is a joke itself (as in the case of the Catch-22 reference, but I'll go back to the joke to make sure the wording matches up better). Repetition doesn't have to be your enemy. Because of the speed of the article I employed it a bit clumsily, but it seems to me that you're just refusing to embrace the concept here.
The 1969 reference sailed over your head, but again it's practically invisible to anyone unfamiliar with the song at the moment. I'll throw in a footnote to accentuate it.
I'll try not to expand it too much, because I've noticed a recent trend that articles tend to tread on far far far longer than they typically should (see: Giant Jew Band) and I don't want to beat any jokes into the ground, especially since most of them are quick and repetition-heavy. Anyway, thanks for the tips. -- 01:47, July 5, 2010 (UTC)