Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/The Fat Girl (Resubmit)

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edit The Fat Girl

OK, lets try this one more time. This article was previously reviewed and reworked (slightly) so its back up and looking for some more improvements. Dame PPsigPPlips.gifGUN PotY WotM 2xPotM 17xVFH VFP Poo PMS •YAP• 18:45, 14 July 2008 (UTC)

User:Orian57/peetemplate8

Dame PPsigPPlips.gifGUN PotY WotM 2xPotM 17xVFH VFP Poo PMS •YAP• 18:45, 14 July 2008 (UTC)

Humour: 8.5 Nicely done! Consistently funny and, unlike Syndrome, I think that a lot of people will “get” this.

I thought your opening line: "The Fat Girl is a mandatory accessory for a young gay man who is newly out of the closet, according to Homosexual Occupational Marketing Organization (HOMO) " was a particularly good opening.

Concept: 8 I liked this concept, it’s a strong well known stereo type (both the pupate-homosexual and The Fat Girl). I also like how the article appeared to have been written from the point of view of someone on the outside looking it, it would have been hard to have the jokes about her if it was written by either of the pupate homosexual or herself.
Prose and formatting: 8.5 Hard to fault other than one or two spelling/grammar errors. Interesting language and as Syndrome said your command of gay-related slang is amazing, I learned words here!

You do have a list in the “How to spot the fat girl” section. I don’t like lists. I guess this works ok but if you could convert it into some prose that’s always better.

Also you have that section “Problem solved, right?” I don’t think it’s necessary to have a giant heading for that, possibly a level 3 heading but I’d prefer to just have it as part of the “why?” bit.

I’m glad you didn’t listen to Syndrome about a creature table thing as I think that would have cheapened it.

Images: 5 Only the three and sorry to say they weren’t excellent. Though I thought the first one would be more relevant and better further down the article as where it is it gives a preview of one of the better jokes from later on, kinda spoiling it a bit. So you have a choice either move it down with that caption (probably the one I’d choose as the caption fits best with that picture) or change the caption to another joke that doesn’t come up later.

As for the dear old queen, I’m sorry to say it felt a little lazy. Simply throwing the queen/queen mum into a joke like this kinda ruins it. I can see that the contrast between her normal posh-ness and then being some kind of sexual deviant or person that is rude and swears a lot, may work (indeed can and does in carefully done circumstances, like sketch shows). Here though I didn’t like it. Maybe one of a car crash illustrating the dire effects of the rear-view mirror glitter ball toy? Or maybe the Christmas dinner row? Just throwing some other ideas out there, I’d certainly like something other than the queen mother.

The Fat Super-Woman thing. It too was a little disappointing. It seemed a little random and didn’t fit at all with the kind of Fat Girl you were trying to portray. I’d suggest trying to use a picture of the fat girls with the lesbibabies just to help get across what a lesbibabie actually is as that’s something I didn’t get and probably something other people will miss out on too.

Miscellaneous: 7.5 Averaged
Final Score: 37.5 Sorry this took me longer than it should have, kinda forgot when I got into writing an article (taking my own shot at the PLS) and then my internet started playing up and I couldn’t get on the internet. Anyway I do think this will be featureable, certainly if you sort out the pictures. If you’d like to thank/ask/insult me about anything please visit my talk page.
Reviewer: SK Sir Orian57Talk Gay flag RotM 23:58 18 July 2008
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