Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/The Fat Girl
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This one has been on Uncyclopedia for a while. Like Goldilocks and the Three Bears it was inspired by my brother who had his own Fat Girl for a while, and this woman could suck the air out of a room. This article may be brutal (If you're reading this Adrian, this article is all about you), but in it is great truth. Once again, review help is always welcome, constructive criticism is appreciated, ideas for making better are even more welcome. Hugs! Dame 15:39, 10 July 2008 (UTC)
I'd hit that. --21:23, 10 July 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||5||Oh boy. I don't think this article was written for me. I don't know a lot about Pupate-Homosexuals or lesbibabies or anything, so basically I didn't have any context in which to read this article. A lot of this is new to me and very educational, so I guess I should be thanking you.
With that in mind, I think it would be a good idea to rework the lead so people like me know what the dickens you're talking about. The first paragraph is a bunch of jargon and it left me confused. It would go better if you switched the first and second paragraphs, and then reworded the old first paragraph so it eases the reader a little more gently into the wonderful world of gay lingo.
Although both this and your Goldilocks articles are excessively gay, Goldilocks succeeded where this fails in creating a charming (yet disgusting) narrative out of something I would otherwise wish I could unsee. Who's narrating this article? I toyed with the idea that a bitter fat girl was writing about herself (although I would never even think for a second that you're a bitter fat girl, Prettiest of Pretties), or maybe some detached and well-researched 3rd-party scholar, some Jane Goodall of fat girls, but the only conclusion that works is that is someone who's kind of pissed with a fat girl. What I'm trying to say is that the article has a gossipy high-school-drama feel to it, and me no likey.
So, I dunno. There was nothing in here I found laugh-out-loud funny, nothing I found groan-worthy, and a lot I didn't get. The line of dialogue abut touching her breasts was the funniest joke in the article, in my opinion.
|Concept:||7||If someone put a gun to my head and made me write an article entitled "Fat Girls", my writing would consist mostly of jokes revolving around the phrase "No fat chicks", and pleas for my life. In that light, I guess you've done a good job with "Fat Girls".
I've never been called a feminist, but I get the feeling that the fat girl is a complex creature, and this Pupate-Homosexual attachment is only one facet of a fat girl's lifestyle. Are you really giving fat girls a fair shake here? Of course not; you're not trying to. Of course you may not agree with this, but it would be a big improvement for this article if you played on this limited-scope tunnel-vision view of fat girls by making the article more scientific, and more like it was written by an experienced researcher. Add one of those species boxes like they have on Wikipedia or the Homo sexuals article, and throw around some key phrases like "studies have shown that" or "natural habitat" or "incubation period". I don't know. Why are you asking me? I'm supposed to be reviewing this article? What!?
|Prose and formatting:||8||Your spelling is good, although I'm pretty sure "ubber" isn't a word. Your grammar has a few niggles that need working out. Your command of gay-related slang is amazing. I'm pretty sure the Kinsey scale only goes as high as 6 or 7.|
|Images:||7||The deeper I get in to reviewing this article, the more sure I am that I should have just left this alone and let a girl review it. ME MAN! ME LIKE STEAK! WOMAN GOOD! FAT CHICKS BAD! I don't get the reference to the Queen but I'm sure it's hilarious. The superhero pic is nice even though I think I've seen it before somewhere, and the other picture fits with what you said about waiting about bars.|
|Miscellaneous:||6.8||Averaged. You know, maybe it would be a good idea to include a glossary? So you can explain terms in a humorous way and everyone wins?|
|Final Score:||33.8||Where do I see this article in 5 years? I imagine you'll have ignored all my suggestions because I don't know what I'm talking about, and even if this article doesn't go to VFH, it will still be nestled away comfortably in Category:Prettiestpretty's Gay Brother Saga. Seriously, though, my guess is that you're satisfied with this article as it is.|
|Reviewer:||"I want to be in you"? Does that line actually work? --04:29, 13 July 2008 (UTC)|