Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/The Asylum-Seeker's Guide to Visiting McDonalds

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edit The Asylum-Seeker's Guide to Visiting McDonalds

I wish to be sued by a litigious multinational. Why not join the fun? Sog1970 19:34, September 27, 2009 (UTC)

Well my recent article that related to a multi-national corporation got completely destroyed on VFH, and I'm feeling unreasonably bitter about it, so I'm more then happy to take out my petty anger on your work. Bwahahahaha! Pup t 20:33, 5/10/2009
Humour: 8.75 This article illicited many LOL's from me. Further Insight or reasoning towards this can be seen below.
Concept: 8 While the article is about entering McDonalds, it incorporates a whole variety of satire on urban british society. Although this could be seen as the writer overstepping his boundaries, it is done in a very funny and very relevant manner. However, until around 1/3 of the way through the article, it isn't too obvious that it is catering to an asylum-seeker's viewpoint, (besides the article title, durrrr!). Some parts at the bottom would indicate that the Asylum seeker is of the Islamic faith. However, the obstacles list does not really need call for it much. Perhaps maybe a few "refrain from beheading them for attending McDonalds at sunrise rather than praying" style asides relating to the different stereotypes in the list.
Prose and formatting: 9.5 This article is has very good prose-formatig. The wordings of many of the jokes could not have been done better. The Only 2 spelling or grammatical errors I spotted were "As there is a long history of tolerance of uselessness in the UK and you should on no account attempt to:" and in the Ordering section, "Assylum" is the incorrect spelling. Also, at the end, I do believe the correct spelling is "Tattoos". Sorry to nitpick. The tone of the article is very good, emulating well those wartime propaganda messages, as well as the help leaflets that the government issues today for situations such as this. It captures well that whole british deadpan tone.
Images: 9 Very Relevant to sections, and quite funny, often without having to rely on captions to make a normal image funny.
Miscellaneous: 8.8 Avg'd your score
Final Score: 44.05 A very good page and a prime candidate for VFH
Reviewer: --Matfen815 21:30, October 5, 2009 (UTC)

Humour: 7.5 Very funny article, and good example of satire. Using the reality of a situation and pointing out the absurdity of the existing reality - fantastic. I laughed a few times upon reading. It is not uproariously funny, but it is chuckle worthy. Only two minor issues that I had with the humour.

The first is the oblique terrorist references. I do like them, but they seem to creep in somewhere around the middle and then extend until nearly the end of the article, but they seem to just come from nowhere, and although they are funny, because they are a different source of humour, when they come into play they seem to jar a little. Possibly because I was not thinking of Arabic / terrorist immigrants, just immigrants in general.

The other thing was the last section relating to getting home. The Leaving the restaurant section is a sufficient closing, and it looks as though the last section has been tacked on. I think it is fantastic material, but I would not have it as part of this article, and instead have this as the kernel for a separate article relating to travel in urban UK.

(An aside to this is a piece stolen from Wil Anderson, Australian comedian. He talks about the ads over in London and one that states "If you want to know how much an unliscenced cab ride costs, ask a rape victim." He then is dating a girl and she lets him know that she is scarred from a previous relationship where her ex sexually assaulted her. So he asks her how much a cab ride would be to Heathrow.)

Concept: 8 I was halfway through completing this review (most of humour and all of Prose and Fromatting completed) when my PC crashed (twice) and I was edit conflicted. So I won't over-egg the pudding by completing to my normal level of detail. If you want more feedbakc then you know where I am.
Prose and formatting: 8 Spelling -
  • asylum
  • successfully
  • tattoos
  • Stationary = Stationery (Unless of course you just mean that British customer service just doesn't move...)

Grammar -

  • that immigrants = those immigrants
  • neighbours' pets = pets of neighbours
  • For this reason = Therefore

There are a few more things that can be done in grammar to make it less wordy or tighten it. Run it through a grammar check.

Layout -

  • Images either all to the right, or (and I'm finally relenting on this due to public pressure) alternating left - right. Given the obvious issue that you had with Facilities, I'd suggest the former.

Writing style -

  • Fits in well. Reads like a publication from a government office

Overall appearance -

  • I would suggest potentially __TOCRIGHT__ - I think that's the right keyword - in order to remove some of the whitespace at the start. Otherwise nothing new to add
Images: 6 This has been brought down by the use of the fat man / wheelbarrow image. The images in this are all good, and there does need to be an image relating to obesity. This one, however, isn't it. In my mind's eye I have the picture of the classic current affairs show shot where they have an image of fat backsides walking down what looks to be a city street but no identifying features of the individual. I don't know why, but I just feel that this article works best due to it's subtlety, and that image is just a little too blunt.
Miscellaneous: 8.5 Definite FA contender. A bit of spit and polish.
Final Score: 38 umm... blah
Reviewer: PuppyOnTheRadio who couldn't be buggered signing back in with pc crashing!
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