Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/The Art of War

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edit The Art of War

Sir ScottPat (talk) White Ensign Scotland Flag 1 Compassrose VFH UnS NotM WotM WotY 07:38, February 1, 2014 (UTC)

I'll take this one. --ShabiDOO 09:39, February 5, 2014 (UTC)

edit Reviewed

Reviewer details

A little bit about the reviewer

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Humour

How and why is it funny? Any suggestions?

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Concept

How good is an idea behind the article?

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Prose and Formatting

How good does it look and how well does it read?

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Images

How are the images? Are they relevant, with good quality and formatting?

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Miscellaneous

The article's overall quality - that indefinable something.

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Summary

An overall summation of the article.

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--ShabiDOO 04:51, March 5, 2014 (UTC)

Concept

I think that the majority of good articles either combine two or more very different concepts or infuse one concept into another. Your idea of infusing dentistry torture into the art of war was a fantastic idea. When you use a literary topic I think it's important to stay true to the form and subject matter of the book...which you've done. Starting many sentences with "Tzu says..." is brilliant as it adds continuity throughout the article but also makes the article seem old and ancient chinese sounding. Starting with a quote in each of the chapters is a good idea but I've noted that some of them aren't as high quality as the others. You've stuck mainly to the two concepts and haven't branched out which I think is a good idea in a shorter article.

Images

The first image sort of looks like a soldier from the revolution whose weapon is a toothbrush with toothpaste. If thats the case as it most certainly is...then its a really funny and good idea but the image should be re-chopped so that the toothpaste is ontop of the bristles rather than covering the entire brush. Otherwise it looks sort of like a glow in the dark toothbrush. Also the subtext of the book cover is a little fuzzy so you might want to upload a version with higher resolution.

I also like the second image though I'd recommend leaving the machine gun either on the ground or completely out of the picture. It's clear in the context of the article and the background that he is a soldier-dentist. I think it would be funnier if his only weapon is the dentist tool that he has. The tank in the background is more than enough realism IMHO.

Third pic is really well done...but as with all the images...the text is really fuzzy. I dont know what program you used to chop it but consider saving the image in higher resolution or reformatting the text. A 10/10 image becomes sort of a 7/10 image if you have to squint to read the text.

The fourth picture is great...but consider using a caption that states the opposite of what you'd expect with a warning label such as: One should always use caution with toothpaste...as everything you consume for the following hour will taste like minty flouride. Or something even lamer and anti-intuitive like how roomates steal each other's tubes or how it shouldn't be used as shampoo or sunscreen.

The second last image is also great but I can't quite figure out what Rosevelt is holding. It's another case of the image being a little too fuzzy.

The final image is great.

Content

Intro: Consider breaking up the first sentence into two. It's a little long. In the last sentence of the first paragraph...give a solid reason why the books on the art of war had to be updated. Was it because of the invention of trench dentistry...or ortho-nationalism or the proliferation of gummybear sweets in Germany? I always find that when you add a random seeming element into an article...giving a reason why will add immediate relevancy to the addition but it's also a great source of easy humour.

In false replacements...consider a funnier sounding synonym. The second paragraph overall is helarious.

Skills required section: The first paragraph is great however the wording of the first two sentences is a little clumsy. Try using the active voice and everything should fall into place nicely and neatly.

I think you can cut the end of the last sentence in the second paragraph: "as it is a better option than more abuse." This sentence gives away the joke which you already set up so well. In cases like this I think it's better to allow the reader to figure out the joke themselves and continue on with the article (which not only makes it more encyclopedic but also makes you look clever and the reader feel that they are clever for getting the joke in the first place). Sometimes it's best to cut out these explanations of the joke that the reader should have already gotten anyways.

13 Principles: I've noticed that you keep using medical school instead of dental school. I know in some countries medical and dental school are the same thing or that certain high end dentists need to go to medical school...but as far as I know in the majority of anglo-saxon countries dentists don't go to medical school and writing it so may confuse most of your readers.

The one for each year of medical school line is totally helarious.

"so you have no restriction of the sharpness of your tools you decide to stick in your victim's mouth" should probably be cut down into two sentences. For instance: "the sharper the tool you use the better service you will render unto your victim. especially when you stick it in his mouth". This version also sounds like a parable/biblical.

The following sentence is one of the weaker ones in the article in my opinion. Declaring two ulsers instead of one kind of feels like a flat joke. It could easily be replaced with something totally and utterly unexpected or absurd. Perhaps you can refer to a victim who lost all his teeth in a friendly pingpong match between two different squadrons or a victim who wants to replace their teeth with some sort of military weapon. The sky's the limit.

The second paragraph is funny and fits well but the wording is rather awkward. Consider cutting out the extra adjectives and filler and get to the point. For example:

Planning ahead is more important than the actual surgery. A dentists clinic is just like an operating room only without the anesthetic. Shoddy preparation may result in your patient suffering great pain, or perhaps not enough pain. In either case the patient might flee without paying.

Ch 2:

The section is great. Though the final sentence is also a little awkward. Find a way to reword it so it's clearer how a dentist could use the book to get a better salary.

Ch 3:

The section is funny and fits in well with the article. However again, I highly recommend cutting out all unecesary words and phrases (padding). like: "good examples of this are to" can be cut without losing anything. The same with "usually this will include". Always write in such a way where you consider that you are always at the edge of losing your reader's attention and as though their time is extremely valuable. Unless the extra adjectives and introductory phrases are vital to the article and/or strengthen the joke...it should be cut out.

Ch 4: I would recommend cutting the entire first paragraph and transfer the "12 is an unlucky number" to the last chapter.

I'd recommend re-working the next paragraph. First I'd suggest that dentists should never admit to making a mystake (and so they'd never return the deposit). Here's an example of how it might look: "Depositary" refers to the amount of money the patient pays you with before the operation. The dentist can spend this money before or after the surgery as money is a fungible resource. A dentist never has to return a depositary as they never ever make mistakes...and even if they do they should be trained well enough to convince their victims that it was somehow their own fault."

The next paragraph is helarious. However the last sentence seems a little out of place. Try making it more absurd or try stating the total obvious. I think any good article should have at least one example of stating the totally obvious to funny effect. For example: "This is why dentists never wear white shoes" or "Depositories can be traded for goods and services while depositaries like saliva and bloody rags cannot".

Ch 5: This is the first chapter where I find the quote isn't quite upto par with the others. This quote would be okay in other articles...as its funny...mostly. But when the level of humour is at such a high standard in all the quotes before hand...a mediochre quote is a bit of a let down. I'm not sure you need to have a quote on every single chapter either to still maintain continuity. I'd recommend choping the weakest ones. That way when the next quote comes it will be non necesarily expected and will probably seem funnier.

As I mentioned earlier...its a good idea to trim the fat of an article. "In this chapter the book gets across the message that..." isn't a necesary line in the article. You've already made it clear that this is a book which talks about various things. I think at this point in the article...half way through you can start writing from the point of view of the book itself. The chapter can simply begin with: "dentistry is not for wimpish doctors". Its a strong statement and it's also funny without the fat and without narrating the fact that you are reviewing a book. Writers do this sometimes in book reviews...that is start directly quoting from the book as though it's their own argument.

The chapter itself is helarious. Though it seems as though you are missing a line. There are SO many power tools in their office that... but we don't get to the punchline. Here would be an ideal place to make a joke about what it would take to keep that many power draining tools in one place. Does it require the entire powersupply of a national electric grid? Are they so powerful that the tools themselves fight each other over limited energy sources? Etc...

Ch 6: Also not the strongest quote. I get the concept of the chapter but there are a few gramattical mystakes and style inconsistancies. I'd recommend writing every sentence in the active form (so that the subject comes first and no subject is having something done to it). For example: Patients should take only enough drugs so that they start to hallucinate but never pass out.

The rest of the chapter should be formatted in a way distinct from the text about reality. You could for example put the hallucinating text in italic. In the last sentence it isn't clear if it's part of the hallucination or if the dentist is hotgluing the patients mouth shut. Perhaps it would be funnier if the last sentence is in real life and the dentist is hot gluing the patient to the chair so that he can get his work done better with less fidgiting.

Ch 7: The quote is so-so. The first sentence could be cut. Be careful not to write plaque as plague. Consider extending the humour of this chapter even further for example: "the dentist can further distract the patient by placing a cool and fresh glass of water just out of reach of the patient".

Ch 8: Sorry but this is the weakest chapter in the article in my opinion. I'm not sure what you mean by greens. Do you mean green tictacs instead of orange ones? It would be better to say "do you have any green tictacs?" just to be clear.

more sweet=sweeter.

Perhaps you could replace the whole section with a one sentence chapter: "A warrior dentist never underestimates the power of tic-tacs...especially the green ones."

Nothing more need be said. Vague absurdity. The reader can fill in the rest which is good because your audience will do half the work for you but it'll still be funny.

Ch 9: Another quote to consider cutting and using in some other article.

In this chapter you have a lot of padding and little content...and two different concepts. One is the gloomy february and the other is the joke on selling a book for a fixed price. I'd recommend picking just one of those as I'm not sure they gel together so well. Pay close attention to the filler content.

Ch 10: Quote not quite upto par with the others imho.

The first few sentences seem like padding. The middle of the content is great...helarious. But I'm not sure the story on Poland matches the style and concept of the article as much as the rest. Perhaps you should think of some content that relates more closely to war and chinese thought.

Ch 11: Very funny quote.

You often use "may be" "possible" "could be" "perhaps" which can be used widely however sometimes a joke is funnier if you state it more directly...if you leave out the weasel words or any doubt. "(although that may be due to smoking)" could easily be "which is due to chain smoking not dental hygene".

The second desease is funny but think parsimony. Parsimony-parsimony-parsimony. The third is funny. Consider the dentist suggesting all patients brush more even if they brush 20 times a day. The dentist could order the patient to double it or triple it. The bonus being if they brush too hard their tooth enamel will come off...which is yet one more reason to have to go to the dentist. Number six and eight are funny though I find five and seven weaker. In all cases there is a lot of padding in the paragraphs. Last one is very funny.

Ch 12: You should probably either minimise the entire content of the chapter or develop it a little further. It could be reduced to one sentence about the very fast transition from gunpoweder to lasers or if expanding give us an idea about the significance of laser technology in dentistry perhaps with an absurd example.

Ch 13: Very well written and funny. Good way to end the section.

Criticism: In the first paragraph...you might consider bringing up civil service. As you probably know China had an infamous civil service test for any chinese man to take and based on merrit one could work for a state and reach high levels. This might be a great time to weave that into the EU content using the Art of War as a standard publication for aspiring dental worriors.

For the second third paragraph...the religious element isn't taken to an absurd extreme imho. The KKK is humerous but it doesn't live upto the potential/standard of the rest of the article. There is creationism, biblical realism, islamic terrorism, bhudist pacifists which are all more contemporary polemics with religion...but whatever you do I'd recomment towards the end of your article pulling off an extremely absurd moment...and religion is one of the best topics to pull that off.

Application outside dentistry: Consider having the prisoners practice dentistry on each other after reading the book and then having to be all isolated and kept under 24 hour supervision after learning the potentially leathal skills of the Art of War...or something of the sort. Obviously the last line of the article is one of the most important places to get a laugh out of the reader...and while yours is funny I know that you can tighten it up and make it roaringly awesomely helarious.

Anyhoo...as it is now I'd give your article an 8.9 out of 10 which means: it could be featured right now but I know it can be all the more better. Ask me if you didn't understand anything here or if you need more explanation, examples or for me to expand.

Also...never forget...that my username is Shabidoo and that if you want to talk with me you have to go to my talk page which can be found on the tab next to userpage if you happen to be visiting my userpage which everyone in the world should do once a day at least.
This was a Pee Review by --ShabiDOO 04:51, March 5, 2014 (UTC)

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