Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/That kid who wears his headphones around his neck

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edit That kid who wears his headphones around his neck

Djdorama 16:30, 11 April 2009 (UTC)

Humour: 7 Decently funny. I really can't give you any advice to improve it humor-wise, because what you've got here is one "situation," and a discription of how said situation plays out. There aren't really any jokes you could add or remove, and changing different aspects of the situation (like, say, a Harrier Jump Jet instead of a helicopter) really wouldn't make any difference as far as how funny the article is. Unless you find jump jets hilarious, in which case go for it.

There are some things I will suggest you do, but I'll mention those in the Prose section.

Concept: 8 I do like the whole "that random nameless archetype person that always seems to be around" concept. It's fairly witty, and shows a level of social asuteness. Or something.
Prose and formatting: 5 OK, here are my problems:

First of all, you've got no links. Links are important. They take about 0.3 seconds apiece to do, and they make the article look soooo much better. Add some.

Next, I don't like how four of your five sections are about the encounter with said kid, and then you've randomly got "history." Either loose the "history" section, or (and I think this is the much better route to go) add more sections like "history" in between the different sections of the chase. This gives the article more of a coherent feel to it, and builds anticipation and tension, which is important when you're writing something of a chase scene. Alfred Hitchcock had a saying: it's not the blow(job), but the anticipation of the blow(job) that matters. Or something. The same thing applies to most things. Break up the chase scene, and add some suspense. You can have a section on different types of headphone kids (the goth sort, the post-rock sort, the socially awkward sort, the pretentious sort, the sort that always wears iPod earphones, etc.), and then have a section on, say, "how to deal with a headphone kid," or something. I mean, you can do whatever the hell ya want, this is just me talking here.

Images: 4 You've got two images, they're both really standard, and you need bifocals to see them. Add at least two more pictures, and either improve your existing images or at very least make them larger.

Some suggestions: a picture of headphones, a picture of the helicopter, a picture of a Japanese rave, a picture of your neighborhood, pictures of more headphone kids (especially if you're doing my one suggested section), etc.

Miscellaneous: 7 Slightly higher than average. This is a solid article, but it could be great with some polish.
Final Score: 31 Kaiwa shima la desu shi~~!
Reviewer: Sir Guildensternenstein 05:15, 12 April 2009 (UTC)
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