Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Thank god I FINALLY found you! (2nd time)
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- I can do it, if you wouldn't mind me taking down that picture of the african 'princess,' while I do it. I'm sorry, but that image is making me feel sick more than pictures like that usually do... --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 00:38, April 6, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||So the humour in the section is alright, but like I say in the concept section, the main issue is the lack of originality in the article. You do make some good jokes about the princess being ill and dying by getting hit by a bus, didn't see that coming. In regards to some issues, see below
This sentence, "Step 1: Go to this website: www.ripyouoff.com." There's something about the website name, it feels a little too straightforward to show the reader that it's a scam website. Maybe something like www.cashfornothing.com or something a little more conspicuous.
With this sentence, "When done correctly you should get all of your money very quickly." Mayeb add a second part like, "if you don't, do not try to contact me/the police/the IRS. I will make sure to contact you before I get on the boat to the Cayman Islands, I mean, the local bank." or something like that.
Finally, for this last part, "Thank you, and god bless." I think you should change god with some African god instead, like a sentence like this, "Thank you, and may Ison and Jok (African gods for fertility and rain) bless you with plenty of fertility for both bountiful crops and the boom boom in bed with your wive(s)."
I can't really think about any other ways to expand this article as these e-mails are meant to be short and straight to the point. You manage to give a pretty good background story to the prince and do a good job in talking about the scam process. Like I say below, the main issue is just the concept, so just read that part and see if there's anything you can do. Aside from that, the humour is alright.
|Concept:||5||Not the most creative and unique concept I've seen, a scam e-mail from the 'prince' of Africa. Your article does have some creative points, but all in all, it seems like a scam e-mail I might expect from a below-average scam artist. The only thing I can really suggest to improve on this issue is to maybe change the location of the scam-artist. Below are some suggestions.
1. Maybe make it the caliph of Baghdad or sultan of Oman or something like that. Then, you could joke how the person may have gotten a scam e-mail from his brother from Nigeria and that he shouldn't trust him and instead, trust the sultan guy or whatever. You could also use this to have a less *ahem* offense picture of the princess and change it with a woman completely covered in burqa with the same caption you have. That way, it's ironic because you can't see the woman, so how can you know she's dashing? Also, added irony in that it's unlikely for a sultan to marry a middle eastern princess and become sultan or whatever.
2. Or how about the king of Siberia or Manchuria or something in the east? Then you could do the same thing with the picture of the princess, except with an eskimo coat instead of a burqa. Plus, it may be a little bit less random, depends on what you think.
These are just some ideas for the concept. The main problem is just you conform too specifically to the African prince joke. A little variety about the location and type of scam might make this article seem a little bit more original and creative than it is now. I mean, it's actually been a while since I've seen the prince of Nigeria scam, but I have seen plenty of scams with princes from Venezuela trying to escape Hugo Chavez's rule, and such like that. A little variety in yours too is all I'm saying.
|Prose and formatting:||6||You might want to re-read the article to check for spelling and grammar errors. I say some issues with commas in unnecessary places and also sentences like this, "Then just recently at the reading of her will," and this, "I mean I'm all ready pretty well off. seem a little strange don't you think ('already' is one word, for example)? In regards to formatting, it is alright, but maybe you should consider formatting like an article like this. A more e-mail friendly format may help make this article funnier and more relevant to scam e-mails. Just a suggestion.|
|Images:||6||The images are ok, just some minor issue with them. I'll talk about them individually. The princess one is alright, although it does disgust me more than make me laugh...maybe that's just me. It will depend on if you take my advice in the concept section in regards to the picture as well, so look for that.
The picture with the white guy shaking hands with
For the last picture about the 4 steps, I'm not sure what to think of it. On one hand, it feels contradictory like that last picture and seems out of place, especially since your caption says to ignore it. On the other, it is a little clever and ironic so maybe it should be there. I'll let you decide on this one.
I think you have a decent amount of pictures for a short article like this, especially since I can't think of any ideas of possible images you could further insert. Sorry, maybe after I see the finished version, I'll think of something...
|Miscellaneous:||5.85||Average or something around that. Can't find my calculator...|
|Final Score:||28.85||So that's about it, if you have any questions or comments, fell free to jump over to my talkpage. Sorry it took me so long, my internet has been acting weird the past few days. Anyways, hope I was able to help, look forward to reading the finished version.|
|Reviewer:||--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 19:45, April 7, 2011 (UTC)|