The theme with "two pennies" has potential to be a running gag in the article, but starting that joke out with "up the rectum" tends to bring a reaction of "oh no, this article is going to be all toilet humor". If you were to start out with a normal place to put two pennies (such as in the pocket or wallet), and then progress to increasingly strange places to put pennies, that could work. Then later on, you break the pattern with saying it was "two dollars" when the story is told to Bush, without any accounting for the sudden change (ie why he would tell GW Bush it was 2 dollars), which breaks the credibility of the article. The article also in a very blunt way says that Cruz is a bigot. This is an opinion, and a rant, and is not funny in itself. Describing the behavior of a bigot without actually calling him that would be a funnier way to go. Likewise with the opinion that Cruz or anyone else is paranoid, homophobe, narcissist, or bat-shit crazy. "Cruz is anti-gay, anti-female, anti-Hispanic, anti-African-American, anti-Islam, anti-Muzlum, anti-Muzlim, anti-Catholic, anti-Hindu, anti-Sikh, anti-Buddhism, antisemitic, anti-science, anti-education, anti-reason...Cruz is an extreme gun-rights nut bag." This is an example of an unfunny rant, and you haven't demonstrated any of it in the article by describing his stances or behavior. This is just name-calling, which isn't funny.
The concept of Ted Cruz being a person who is an extremist that is ripe for being made fun of is a good one, considering his role in the last government shutdown. But it isn't well executed here. Nothing in the article demonstrates his being truly extreme, nor explains any of his role in the shutdown to the reader who might live in say, Europe, or even Hong Kong. I would like to see more (exaggerated) descriptions of irrational positions and decisions that Cruz has taken, perhaps with a slant that they are "perfectly reasonable" - play devil's advocate a bit here.
Prose and formatting:
This article doesn't link to any other articles, or use any bold or italic text for emphasis anywhere. The article could also use some proofreading. For example, because he felt is was "in the bag." is not grammatically correct. Please ask someone if you need proofreading help - we have a Proofreading Service. Also, double-check the article for typos and spelling mistakes (I believe I saw a few in there, but fortunately not many).
No images were included with the article.
Average of the above scores
You have a decent concept, and this article has lots of potential, but the article needs more work before it is ready for mainspace.