Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Tallinn 2020 Summer Olympics bid
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PEE REVIEW IN PROGRESS
of giving you his opinion and pretending you care.
|Humour:||5||Heya, Gert5. Let's have a look at this article.
Lede: The lede is very, very short. Also, the lede should really say that Tallinn is in Estonia - most of us probably don't know that. There has to be a better way to introduce the quotes than "Here are some quotes" - surely there could be a joke at this poor fictional CEO's expense. Incidentally - why is a CEO (of a corporation) running the Olympics Committee of a country?
Large athletics: Well, right off the bat, this is a confusing title. Maybe a title like "Tallinn Stadium" would be clearer. Some of the prose in this section is confusing - I'm unclear whether "A. Le Coq arena" is the same thing as "the football stadium." And what's being painted? And why is it reassuring that the paint is cheap? I can't laugh at the jokes if I'm not even completely sure what they are.
Basketball: Here, I get the joke about Estonia being so poor that they have to make basketball hoops out of "borrowed" buckets and light posts - but, again, I don't understand this "surely the government wouldn't mind" stuff, because the Olympic Planning Committee would almost certainly be comprised of government officials. I don't understand why the height of the hoop will only decrease (these are buckets taped to light posts, no?) I don't understand the last two or three sentences at all - I'm just totally lost.
Diving and Swimming: I do like the phrase "with toxic results" - that's funny. Although "fish repellent to avoid sharks" might have been funnier than "shark repellent to avoid fish". I like the "local pond" stuff at the end, too, but why is a pool being mentioned? Isn't the whole joke here that Tallinn doesn't have a pool? Also, the "local sea" being references is the Gulf of Finland, which is incredibly cold (roughly 43F/ 6C). A joke could be made about that.
Cycling: Again, we're running into the problem with the "mayor giving us a green light" not making a lot of sense - Olympics just aren't organized by private groups that beg mayors for permission. They're organized by countries who order mayors to do things. If that for some reason isn't the case in Tallinn, we readers need to know why. I really don't understand the line "As long as those cars don't hit the fan." What fan?
Safety and Security: This section is pretty funny. I like the joke about picking up a random Japanese child on the way to work every day, and the joke about a lack of assassination targets is good. My one problem is that I have absolutely no idea how the tin cans are being used. Are they being rattled to scare away thieves? That's my best guess, but it doesn't seem to make sense.
Opening Show and Finale: The prose gets very confusing in this section. I think the joke is being made that there would be explosions in the stadium anyway... but I'm not sure.
Summary: This section isn't hilarious, but it seems like a fine way to end the article.
|Concept:||8||The concept of a region totally unprepared to host the Olympics putting in an Olympic bid is definitely funny, and communicating their unpreparedness through their assertions that they actually are prepared is also a very good concept.|
|Prose and formatting:||2||The prose is absolutely killing this article. Many of these jokes simply don't make sense and can't be understood because the wording is so unusual. For example, the sentence "We can also adjust the height of the hoop, but I'm afraid it will only decrease, so we will have to make some rearrangements in the height schedule." - I don't know what that means. Or "We can throw some leftover paper from last year's events to make borders and stuff, and probably put in some... plastic." - I have no idea what's being talked about here. Or ". Since we couldn't balance out the stadium, there will probably be lots of explosions." - I can't figure out what's meant by "balance out the stadium."
The problem isn't proofreading so much as that the expression of the jokes just isn't clear. That has to be fixed in order for this article to work.
|Images:||7||The images are fine. Not hilarious, but fine.|
|Miscellaneous:||5||Averaged, badly, by guessing.|
|Final Score:||27||Well, this is a good concept and an article worth working on, but right now, it's struggling. I've mentioned a few minor problems, but really, the thing that's standing between this article and a good article is clarity. Once I understand what I'm reading, I'm sure I'll appreciate it a whole lot more.|
|Reviewer:||17:58, 22 August 2008 (UTC)|