Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Tails the Straight
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2nd time on Pee review, last one was a while ago. The article uses the "bombastically say the complete opposite of reality" form of humor, which is normally frowned upon, but I think it works in this one.
Mnbvcxz 00:36, 4 November 2008 (UTC)
|Humour:||8||Yes. I think it works. I like Deadpan style delivery, and so I appreciate this. In places you wander slightly away from the style you are attempting, and I think you need to sort these issues out. If you go deadpan, you need to keep it rigidly solid all the way through.
I copped out the template, not sure it's helping. Put it back if ya really want, but I think it spoils what is otherwise a quality article. I do understand the relevance of it, but most readers will not be aware that it's a parody of the other template, so... Well... Up to you.
You know that Mr T is gay right? Also, probably refer to Mr Norris, rather than Chuck Norris. It's more serious sounding.
"va-jay-jay!" - really? This did not fit with the rest of the tone. It's very deadpan elsewhere...
I would loose the quotes section. Pick just your 2 or 3 favourites, and move them to the top of the article. Move the picture in the quotes section to Early History. I think if as I suggest you loose the quotes section you will then be struggling for length. You can probably use another section. I wish I could suggest what, but I'm no expert in the game. I hope you can think of something, or maybe re-work some of the quotes into an actual section.
I did not really laugh out loud reading this article, but the general quality is so high that I had to score well about average.
|Concept:||8||You are trying something tricky here. Chances are that a lot of people reading this will not understand the humour style. You do however do it very well, and those who get the "joke" will think it's excellent.|
|Prose and formatting:||8.5||Generally, very, very good stuff. I found a few things I was not quite happy with...
"Several Mobians sued to stop the wedding, arguing that straight marriage is wrong, however, no law against straight marriage existed, probably because no one ever thought such a strange thing would ever be attempted, so nothing could be done to prevent the marriage between a male and a female." has sentence fragmentation, too many commas or something! Anyway, re-word it somehow...
I'm also not happy with: "As expected, other children constantly make fun of Tails the Straight Jr. because his mother, shockingly, gave birth to him and because of his obvious straightness, calling him a "bush-goblin", in reference to fact he was birthed out of a va-jay-jay. However, Tails the Straight Jr. often intimidates his mockers with his epic straightness." You need to do something here.
|Images:||7.5||The pictures are OK, but are actually more of an accompaniment rather than adding much to the humour. Maybe you could find some pics of him doing particularly straight (or gay) things, and come up with a deadpan caption? Actually, I think you might be able to manage just one really gay style pic at the end with a caption saying something like "Doing really straight things.. Um, Hang on!!" If you just let the style slip in that one place you might get away with it, and add to the humour...|
|Final Score:||40||It's vitally important to maintain the consistency of the style, and in a few places it wanders a bit. Sort out the issues I have highlighted, and I will be happy to nominate this for VFH. It may not make it, but it's an excellent example of the style, and I would like to see something like this featured on the front page. The difference between this passing and failing VFH is lightly going to be the addition of another quality pic and caption.
I have given you a good score here, but others may have widely varying opinions. I personally like the style, but don't count on my opinion being a representation of the rest of the community.
|Reviewer:||MrN 16:09, Nov 9|
First off, thanks for the review. I made most of the changes to the article that you suggested, but I haven't gone thru it to fix everything yet. I wouldn't call the style deadpan per say, its more a parody of the "OMG this guy is so gay" style. I would say deadpan is more like Baby_recipes, my article is generally much more "bombastic" than deadpan proper.
Btw the sentence, "Several Mobians sued to stop the wedding, arguing that straight marriage is wrong, however, no law against straight marriage existed, probably because no one ever thought such a strange thing would ever be attempted, so nothing could be done to prevent the marriage between a male and a female." would be called a run-on sentence, specifically, a comma splice, meaning that I used a comma where I should have used a semicolon. If I used a semicolon after wrong, the sentence would be grammatically correct, but I agree that its still would be too long and ugly.
Anyway, I have the following questions:
- If Mr. T is gay, who should I use as the epitome of heterosexuality? Ideally, I should use someone active in the early 90's. I do reference Bear Grylls, who some believe to be a little effeminate, mainly because he's British.
- Currently, the article has Tails the Straight being a mirror-universe clone of Tails. Should I get rid of that and make the article about the "real" Tails?
- Should I change "va-jay-jay" to vagina, or should I try a different synonym? I'm trying to get the least offensive word for it, and vagina just sounded vulgar.
- Yea, actually thinking about it, Mr T is perfect. Maybe Charles Bronson, Clint Eastwood or Steve McQueen if you want a more serious example. Yea, I love the Bear Grylls reference.
- I think the mirror-universe thing works fine, but it's up to you. If you have more ideas for the other way, do that.
- You need help coming up with names for the female sexual organ? Dude. Ask Mr T. :P I think the BBC consider the "toot toot" to be the "least offensive" name name, but I doubt Americans will know what that is. Front Bottom? Hea, there are a LOT of possible names. Probably best if you choose, I think you have a much better understand of what you are trying to do here than me anyway... MrN 15:32, Nov 10
- I can get names for the female sex organ easy, but all of them sound more vulgar than vagina for some reason.--Mnbvcxz 01:50, 11 November 2008 (UTC)