Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Symphony in Z Minor (2)
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- I got you, I got you! *Splat* oh....well, I'll do this review for you to make up for that... --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 22:02, March 10, 2011 (UTC)
|Humour:||6||It's as if Joseph Heller, Mozart, Mark Twain, and Sigmund Freud got together, took some acid and said, "Let's write an article."
Your overall humour in this article seems to be derived from its silliness and its susceptibility to be misunderstood, or worse, understood. In order to prevent a massive hemorrhage on my part, I'm going to talk about each section individually. Symphony in Z Minor: You start of well here. That one section of randomness isn't too far off to lose the reader from the beginning. You do well here overall to keep the reader interested and not too confused...yet.
Compostion:Now it gets interesting/disturbing as I try not to picture that first sentence. Then, when you talk about 2046, I completely lost you, mainly because of the 'record' company thing. What record company? Where did that come from? The next issue is in this sentence, "with nail guns I accidentally reincarnated as a form of coral, where I hid for the next few months." First off, insert a comma before 'I accidentally,' because it took me a while to realize that that's where the sentence changed. Second, you never said where you went, only that you became coral, so how could that have been "where you hid for the next few months?" Where you talking about the ocean? If so, you probably will want to clarify that bit. The next paragraph is decent, I was able to follow you through it.
Reception: Hmmm, nothing really wrong with this one. At least that's my opinion, I don't know about Wolfgang's...
Recordings: The first I must say, is in your beginning sentence, you should probably clarify that 'these days' represents the days in 2046, so as not the confused the reader in thinking you are talking about our present time. Your Beethoven comment was clever, just felt like telling you that. Also, you might want to re-word that last sentence. I'm not sure if I correctly understood what you were trying to say there, but maybe that's because I'm a banana, I don't know, can't say for sure...
Structure:Interesting stuff about the lighting....not sure if I should praise your creativity or shudder at the insanity. Also, why would an orchestra play perfectly if they are heavily drugged? And wouldn't this mean that the Symphony sounds different every time it's played? For that first issue, I can't think of anything to substitute for it, but maybe you can? Or not, it's up to you. For the second issue, maybe you could take advantage of that fact and say that because it sounds different everytime, that's why its so successful, or maybe just clarify that you copied what they played and just rounded off to the nearest note or something...
Cultural Impact: No idea where this came from...but you somehow make it fit into the article.........how did you do that you clever bastard? Also, good work, you pretty much answered any lingering questions that may have arised from that section...well, aside from the question about a large, live sperm cell...
|Concept:||6||How do you rate on article's concept when it has just thrown itself into a separate dimension before shooting itself? The concept is a little bit of everything with doses of confusion, and is creative, although I will have to show the teacher so that she knows to stop letting you sniff the glue...
Aside from that, I did see some issues such as how your article gets a little too...crazy, at times. You might want to re-vert some sentences so that they don't stray away and cause the poor reader to get lost over and over again. I should give you praise, however, for being creative with some of your ideas and the manner of which you write them out. Just try not to create a completely irrational world, otherwise the reader will not have anything to grasp onto and will fall off the earth.
|Prose and formatting:||7||Finally, a section that requires a dose of logic. So the overall formatting of the article is great, although if I may suggest putting some of the pictures on the opposite side to balance out the text-picture ratio. Did I just make up a ratio term? Yes I did.
Your prose is little bit of a different story. I noticed some issues with grammar and sentence use, like here, "I didn't want to but my." There should be a comma before but. You have this problem in other sentences as well. I also noticed that there are some broken up sentences that should be, or could be connected, like here, "He might as well have been speaking in hieroglyphics for all I cared. But this day was different." You should combine the sentences with a comma before 'but,' which is coincidentally the same problem in the example before...Still, I'm sure you understand what I'm saying here.
|Images:||5.5||One by one:
First Picture: So the sheet music background is appropriate. I am, however, confused about the cover sheet that says Fucking Aliens. You didn't relly discuss that much about aliens in the beginning, and I'm not sure why you would have big words written on sheet music...seems counter-productive. Maybe you should turn the picture into a cover sheet for the music and have a title like, "Symphony in Z minor: Prelude to the dance of 'my money and hoes.' and then have the author as "Me you fucking dumb-asses, who else?"Or something like that general idea, you get what I'm saying? Of course you do.
Second Picture: Can't really say anything wrong with this picture, although it would be better if you could photoshop some nail guns in their hands...but other than that, it's very
Third Picture: Ok, well, this one may need some photoshop. First, the background may need to be different, but that's a minor issue. The main thing is giving the watermelon that face powder and wig you mention in the article, so that it fits better with it. Otherwise, it's just your everyday, profiled watermelon...
Fourth Picture. Hmmm can't really argue against this one, although the caption is little too wordy for the average reader. Might want to tone down the use of them big words and thems metaphors yous gots theres so thats the average joe can understands yours english.
Fifth Picture: Of that DNA thing...not sure what to say here since I'm not sure if you were trying to make an accurate drawing or what...I'll let you decide on this one.
Sixth Picture: Overall, it is appropriate, although it looks more like the sperm is inserting itself into that giant blue thing instead of eating it.........Also, well placed caption.
|Miscellaneous:||6.5||My god, I've never felt a greater desire to just give an article a score of negative infinity to infinity...|
|Final Score:||31||This article just destroyed the functional capacity of my mind. I need to lie down after this. Leave something on my talk page if you have...any...comments...or...what? Oh dear, I've just fainted *faint*.|
|Reviewer:||--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა) 00:06, March 12, 2011 (UTC)|